Excuses for avoiding someone.

eddie wrote:Just being honest, I never make excuses.







If you make excuses, why? What are you avoiding?

Syl wrote:I have avoided seeing someone if I dont feel like seeing them, usually by saying I am busy on that day, and I will be busy, doing something else.

Why deliberately hurt someones feelings anyway....it might make you feel all truthful and honourable, but if it hurts someone elses feelings its a bit of a hollow victory.

Didge wrote:

Syl wrote:I have avoided seeing someone if I dont feel like seeing them, usually by saying I am busy on that day, and I will be busy, doing something else.

Why deliberately hurt someones feelings anyway....it might make you feel all truthful and honourable, but if it hurts someone elses feelings its a bit of a hollow victory.

How many times have you shied away from telling me you think I am being horrible  blah blah blah?

Was that about a victory?

I dont think so

Telling people that you think they are making mistakes is you being honest with them

Telling a person, who you think are making a mistake and then encouraging them to make that mistake. Lying to them, is achieving what exactly?

Syl wrote:

Didge wrote:


How many times have you shied away from telling me you think I am being horrible  blah blah blah?

Was that about a victory?

I dont think so

Telling people that you think they are making mistakes is you being honest with them

Telling a person, who you think are making a mistake and then encouraging them to make that mistake. Lying to them, is achieving what exactly?

I dont shy away from telling you you are a pain in the arse though do I...in any case this thread isnt about that, it's about avoiding someone not arguing with them.

Didge wrote:

Syl wrote:

I dont shy away from telling you you are a pain in the arse though do I...in any case this thread isnt about that, it's about avoiding someone not arguing with them.

That is my point, you do not shy away and are being honest, which is what Eddie is talking about

Whether you like or dislike my actions, you still speak your mind

So some people do avoid, to not end up arguing with someone.

That can be a valid excuse can it not?

Or is it just evading or delaying what will eventually happen, as things never were resolved?

Hence is avoiding someone a good idea?

Syl wrote:

Didge wrote:

That is my point, you do not shy away and are being honest, which is what Eddie is talking about

Whether you like or dislike my actions, you still speak your mind

So some people do avoid, to not end up arguing with someone.

That can be a valid excuse can it not?

Or is it just evading or delaying what will eventually happen, as things never were resolved?

Hence is avoiding someone a good idea?

Yes, but maybe you are just avoiding someone for that particular day, like Rags said sometimes you just dont feel like meeting up.
In a case like that I would make an excuse rather than say I just dont want to bother that day...it's not a lie to say you are busy....I am a woman, I am always busy doing something. .

There is always tomorrow.

Didge wrote:

Syl wrote:

Yes, but maybe you are just avoiding someone for that particular day, like Rags said sometimes you just dont feel like meeting up.
In a case like that I would make an excuse rather than say I just dont want to bother that day...it's not a lie to say you are busy....I am a woman, I am always busy doing something. .

There is always tomorrow.

I call that a form of cowardice, as Eddie clearly does, as its then never ever really facing their problems

No point in putting off today, what you are going to need to do anyway.

Syl wrote:

Didge wrote:


I call that a form of cowardice, as Eddie clearly does, as its then never ever really facing their problems

No point in putting off today, what you are going to need to do anyway.

Its not cowardice it's tact....why hurt someones feelings when you dont need to.

OK, say you rang someone and they said to you "you are a crashing bore and I really cant be arsed with you" would you prefer that than them saying "oh lifes so busy at the moment, I will pass on the invitation but thanks for calling"?

The message is the same, the delivery of it is just different.

Didge wrote:

Syl wrote:

Its not cowardice it's tact....why hurt someones feelings when you dont need to.

OK, say you rang someone and they said to you "you are a crashing bore and I really cant be arsed with you" would you prefer that than them saying "oh lifes so busy at the moment, I will pass on the invitation but thanks for calling"?

The message is the same, the delivery of it is just different.

Disagree hun, I think its cowardice

I would prefer them to tell me I am a bore

Seriously, as that is being honest

Syl wrote:

Didge wrote:


Disagree hun, I think its cowardice

I would prefer them to tell me I am a bore

Seriously, as that is being honest

It's nether dishonest or cowardice in my book, so we will have to agree to disagree on that.

If we are talking about being honest with people if they have upset you in some way thats different, I am talking about just giving an excuse to avoid seeing someone that day.

Syl wrote:It depends who the friend is, my best mate I would just say I couldn't be bothered, another I might say I was busy that afternoon.

Just because you dont want to spend time with a friend that particular day doesnt mean you dont appreciate them as a friend....sometimes a day home alone is preferable, it doesnt mean you dont value their friendship.

.

Didge wrote:

Syl wrote:It depends who the friend is, my best mate I would just say I couldn't be bothered, another I might say I was busy that afternoon.

Just because you dont want to spend time with a friend that particular day doesnt mean you dont appreciate them as a friend....sometimes a day home alone is preferable, it doesnt mean you dont value their friendship.

.

But to me its about being true to your friends.

I have no problem being honest to a friend and saying I want time to myself today

I think people try to poorly tread on eggshells with friends. In order not to offend them. When they should simple be upfront with them. In a way its kind of insulting to the friend, not to be honest, as you are viewing them as unable to take the truth.

Just be upfront, people respect people more that way

Syl wrote:

Didge wrote:


But to me its about being true to your friends.

I have no problem being honest to a friend and saying I want time to myself today

I think people try to poorly tread on eggshells with friends. In order not to offend them. When they should simple be upfront with them. In a way its kind of insulting to the friend, not to be honest, as you are viewing them as unable to take the truth.

Just be upfront, people respect people more that way

Well my best friend has stuck around for 37 years and my oldest friend I met when I was 17......so I must be doing something right.

Didge wrote:

Syl wrote:

Well my best friend has stuck around for 37 years and my oldest friend I met when I was 17......so I must be doing something right.

Not saying you are not Syl...

I just think its preferable to be totally honest with people.

Syl wrote:

Didge wrote:

Not saying you are not Syl...

I just think its preferable to be totally honest with people.

Why, because it makes you feel good about yourself and sod their feelings.

And I repeat, its not being dishonest, its being tactful, there is a difference.

Vintage wrote:oh I think it is about you feeling good for being a paragon of honesty even if you hurt or embarrass those you are supposed to care about. If its not particularly important why hurt someone.

Didge wrote:

Syl wrote:

Why, because it makes you feel good about yourself and sod their feelings.

And I repeat, its not being dishonest, its being tactful, there is a difference.

Its still dishonesty, a whte lie, you may say.

So there is no other way you can dress this up Syl

Its nothing about myself, but being true to the other person, who if they found out you were being dishonest towards them. Are going to feel even more upset and feel betrayed. Hence its always better to be truthful to people.

Syl wrote:

Didge wrote:


Its still dishonesty, a whte lie, you may say.

So there is no other way you can dress this up Syl

Its nothing about myself, but being true to the other person, who if they found out you were being dishonest towards them. Are going to feel even more upset and feel betrayed. Hence its always better to be truthful to people.

Well you called me dishonest the other day for letting my son believe in Santa Claus, so we obviously view things very differently regarding what is a lie and what isnt.
Some things are make believe, some things said are tactful and others are downright lies.....I dont think you can differentiate between the three .

Vintage wrote:So, if you see someone coming towards you that you know will keep you talking and bore you to death, rather than avoid them you'll tell them:
I can't stop and talk I have something to do and anyway you bore me?

Didge wrote:

Syl wrote:

Well you called me dishonest the other day for letting my son believe in Santa Claus, so we obviously view things very differently regarding what is a lie and what isnt.
Some things are make believe, some things said are tactful and others are downright lies.....I dont think you can differentiate between the three .

See how people react. I never called you personally dishonest here. I simple said it is being dishonest

With a child its slightly different, as they are not mentally mature enough to understand a great many things and in that instance a white lie may not hurt, but even then that is still being dishonest.

With adult friends, family etc, there is no reason not to be honest towards them

I have never been afraid to tell my mother that I am an athiest, even though this upsets her being a Catholic. Shes feels like she has let herself down, rasing me as a catholic. Do you think I should have lied to her and been dishonest?

Syl wrote:

Didge wrote:

See how people react. I never called you personally dishonest here. I simple said it is being dishonest

With a child its slightly different, as they are not mentally mature enough to understand a great many things and in that instance a white lie may not hurt, but even then that is still being dishonest.

With adult friends, family etc, there is no reason not to be honest towards them

I have never been afraid to tell my mother that I am an athiest, even though this upsets her being a Catholic. Shes feels like she has let herself down, rasing me as a catholic. Do you think I should have lied to her and been dishonest?

You did call me dishonest when we were talking about Santa....I laughed.

Of course I think you were right to tell your mum you didnt want to follow the Catholic faith, thats an important conversation, or I'm sure it was to your mum,  but thats completely different to what the topic is about here.

Didge wrote:

Vintage wrote:So, if you see someone coming towards you that you know will keep you talking and bore you to death, rather than avoid them you'll tell them:
I can't stop and talk I have something to do and anyway you bore me?

Well if someone bores me to death, they are very unlikely to be my friend and yes I have told people to shut up when they are boring. To not tell them, means they will never learn to understand when they are.

Vintage wrote:

Didge wrote:

Well if someone bores me to death, they are very unlikely to be my friend and yes I have told people to shut up when they are boring. To not tell them, means they will never learn to understand when they are.

-


---and you reckon you have friends and people who come to you for advice - are they masochists?

eddie wrote:Just being honest, I never make excuses.







If you make excuses, why? What are you avoiding?

Didge wrote:

Syl wrote:

You did call me dishonest when we were talking about Santa....I laughed.

Of course I think you were right to tell your mum you didnt want to follow the Catholic faith, thats an important conversation, or I'm sure it was to your mum,  but thats completely different to what the topic is about here.

Its not different at all. The reality is syl and again you can dress this up all you like and I even understand where you are coming from, but a white lie, is still dishonesty

Anyway, I my intent is not to annoy you, but at least I am being tottally honest with you here....

Syl wrote:

Didge wrote:

Its not different at all. The reality is syl and again you can dress this up all you like and I even understand where you are coming from, but a white lie, is still dishonesty

Anyway, I my intent is not to annoy you, but at least I am being tottally honest with you here....

I'm not annoyed, it normally takes more than a conversation on a forum to annoy me.

So answer this, if a very elderly ailing relative,  suffering from the first stages of dementia, was unaware that a family member had died, and they asked how they were.....and you knew that there was no chance of the older person ever finding out the family member had died, but you also knew they would be terribly upset to hear of the death.....would you tell them or just let them believe the person was OK?

Didge wrote:

Syl wrote:

I'm not annoyed, it normally takes more than a conversation on a forum to annoy me.

So answer this, if a very elderly ailing relative,  suffering from the first stages of dementia, was unaware that a family member had died, and they asked how they were.....and you knew that there was no chance of the older person ever finding out the family member had died, but you also knew they would be terribly upset to hear of the death.....would you tell them or just let them believe the person was OK?

Not sure how you think lying to her would help?

When the view would be to help people continually remember?

So I again would be honest with them, as they then may help them to remember more again

Syl wrote:

Didge wrote:

Not sure how you think lying to her would help?

When the view would be to help people continually remember?

So I again would be honest with them, as they then may help them to remember more again

It would help because it would save her heartache over something she need never know about.
A person with dementia remembers some things and not others. Would you constantly remind her that a loved one has died each time she forgets....to do so would upset her every time.
That to me is cruel....and imo it's making yourself feel very self righteous at the expense of someone else.

Didge wrote:

Syl wrote:

It would help because it would save her heartache over something she need never know about.
A person with dementia remembers some things and not others. Would you constantly remind her that a loved one has died each time she forgets....to do so would upset her every time.
That to me is cruel....and imo it's making yourself feel very self righteous at the expense of someone else.

That is subjective to say the least, as  what then if they do remember that person is dead or someone else points it out to them? They will then know you have lied to them. That is just going to confuse them to bits and be even more hurt

Stop making this again about me syl, as I will lose interest very quickly. You and Vintage have constantly done this on the thread and its getting boring now

So its got nothing to do with being self righteous, but what I think is best for them, whether you agree or not

Didge wrote:

Syl wrote:

Yes, but maybe you are just avoiding someone for that particular day, like Rags said sometimes you just dont feel like meeting up.
In a case like that I would make an excuse rather than say I just dont want to bother that day...it's not a lie to say you are busy....I am a woman, I am always busy doing something. .

There is always tomorrow.

I call that a form of cowardice, as Eddie clearly does, as its then never ever really facing their problems

No point in putting off today, what you are going to need to do anyway.

Didge wrote:

Vintage wrote:So, if you see someone coming towards you that you know will keep you talking and bore you to death, rather than avoid them you'll tell them:
I can't stop and talk I have something to do and anyway you bore me?

Well if someone bores me to death, they are very unlikely to be my friend and yes I have told people to shut up when they are boring. To not tell them, means they will never learn to understand when they are.

Syl wrote:

Hold on, you asked me my opinion on whether you were right to have that conversation with your mum, so I also gave a scenario of whether it would be right to tell a dementia sufferer someone had died.

If you shoot quetions at someone it's only fair they shoot a few back.

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:

Well if someone bores me to death, they are very unlikely to be my friend and yes I have told people to shut up when they are boring. To not tell them, means they will never learn to understand when they are.

They might not be boring to someone else though, just to you. You're not the judge of universal boredom.

Didge wrote:

Vintage wrote:oh I think it is about you feeling good for being a paragon of honesty even if you hurt or embarrass those you are supposed to care about. If its not particularly important why hurt someone.

Completely incorrect, as why would it matter to me, when its the other person that matters?

I have never had any trouble telling someone, where they have been stupid, telling them so. That is me being honest with them. I would then help them talk through what led to this mistake.

So is it really hurting them when being honest to them? I have always expected my friends to be honest with me and they always have.

This is the problem in the world today where people are not honest with each other and to afraid by walking on egg shells. That then is never going to help that individual as you never then are being true to them

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


Completely incorrect, as why would it matter to me, when its the other person that matters?

I have never had any trouble telling someone, where they have been stupid, telling them so. That is me being honest with them. I would then help them talk through what led to this mistake.

So is it really hurting them when being honest to them? I have always expected my friends to be honest with me and they always have.

This is the problem in the world today where people are not honest with each other and to afraid by walking on egg shells. That then is never going to help that individual as you never then are being true to them

Your idea of someone being stupid is them not agreeing with you though. I'm amazed you have any friends or even acquaintances if you tell them you can help them see their "mistake" of having a different opinion.

Vintage wrote:What if you are anti social? I love my friends but thankfully don't actually meet up much, I'm just not a social animal - according to, I think it was the cats thread, I have all the attributes of a cat including not enjoying the social activities so many others do.

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

Your idea of someone being stupid is them not agreeing with you though. I'm amazed you have any friends or even acquaintances if you tell them you can help them see their "mistake" of having a different opinion.

Only in your case Rags....

Didge wrote:

Syl wrote:

Hold on, you asked me my opinion on whether you were right to have that conversation with your mum, so I also gave a scenario of whether it would be right to tell a dementia sufferer someone had died.

If you shoot quetions at someone it's only fair they shoot a few back.

No you made claims onto me.

That will make the conversation really boring for me and letting you know

Syl wrote:

Didge wrote:

No you made claims onto me.

That will make the conversation really boring for me and letting you know

Normally you love to turn every thread about you....not sure why you object the one time I do it for you.

And thats you told.

Syl wrote:Everyone is boring sometimes. I have a friend and whenever she has a problem or I have a problem we talk it out with each other. Sometimes she goes on and on...sometimes I do.
I would never tell her she is droning on though...even if I think she is. I will try to change the subject or suggest we do something, but to tel her she is boring would be to make her think she couldn't off load onto me....and she can.
I'm sure she thinks the same about me.

That to me is what friendship is....not some cut and dried 'truth' that has to be told regardless of who's feelings you hurt in the name of 'honesty'..

Didge wrote:

Syl wrote:
Normally you love to turn every thread about you....not sure why you object the one time I do it for you.

And thats you told.

Because as I told you last week, I am trying to keep them from spiralling out of control

Hey ho