The Ballad of Dickbeard the Pirate

Yo ho ho, m'hearties! Time to brace the mizzen mast and set sail for adventure, romance, and potential breaches of human rights law and international treaties under the scurvy command of that salty dog, immigration and border protection minister Scott "Dickbeard" Morrison!

Dickbeard and his motley crew were hauled up before the High Court for failing to provide procedural fairness after intercepting the ship carrying 157 Sri Lankan asylum seekers who'd set sail from India. Their argument was that since the ship was boarded on the high seas, the Australian Government is not bound by the rules regarding treatment of asylum seekers.

And that seems fair: after all, there's another, older, more romantic term that covers the acts of stopping, boarding and commandeering another nation's vessel travelling in international waters before abducting the passengers and crew.

And so began the legend of Dickbeard the Pirate. Take up your squeezebox, old salts, and sing!

Why does his flag look so bloodstained and tatty?

'Tis torn from the death shroud of Reza Barati!

From high seas to High Court, the front bench admire it:

Why, who is that cockwit? 'Tis Dickbeard the Pirate!

Heave away! Haul away!

The High Court held a directions hearing into the case yesterday during which, according to the detained group's lawyer George Newhouse, the issues were boiled down to a) whether the government had the right to intercept a boat outside of Australia's territorial waters, b) whether the power to do that somehow meant that all usual obligations afforded to detainees were rendered void, and c) even if those things were true, if Australia's non-refoulment obligations are also waived in this situation.

Then again, the government might argue, the laws supposedly breached are to do with asylum seekers rather than captives seized as spoils of victory! Their very lives are now at the Captain Dickbeard's pleasure - and as the last nine months have demonstrated, the captain's pleasures are notoriously swift, violent, and arguably in breach of international law.

In any case, those aboard the vessels have been stowed in the hold and allowed "approximately three hours outside during the day in natural light for meals". They've also been denied interpreters because apparently three of them speak English and can therefore translate for everyone, which seems legally sound only if you're beholden to nought but the Law of the Sea, as opposed to the United Nations Convention Relating to the Status of Refugees.

According to whispered rumour and a story in yesterday's Australian, Dickbeard himself has been spirited away to exotic Delhi where he's currently speaking to India's external affairs and home affairs ministries - presumably about how much they'd be willing to pay for 157 good, strong slaves.

It's looking like the full bench of the High Court will be hearing the case against the government inside of two weeks, which could mean that Dickbeard will have to appear in person and thereby miss the bountiful pickings as heaving, lazy transport ships bumble through the notorious Strait of Malacca, where a man can grow fat on easy plunder.

As the salts sing:

His temper is keen and his temperament fiery!

He fears neither tempest, nor Senate Inquiry,

Think not of the cost or the pain he's exacted -

He's Dickbeard the Pirate, who bellows [REDACTED]

veya_victaous wrote:@ben

pretty much
But they are finding Aussie are not respectful of Authority like Americans   
and we are calling them out and trying to get them arrested ALREADY.

One can only hope Capitan Dickbeard will be under arrest in a few weeks  ::D::  but some how i doubt it  

Pirates of the Australian Contiguous Zone 2: Dead Man's Arse

Yesterday this column reported – partially in rhyme – that Scott Morrison, your minister for immigration and border protection, had travelled to India to see if he could offload the boatload of 157 asylum seekers currently languishing below decks of Australian customs vessels. But it seems that his trip was for nought as India have rejected his offer and agreed only to take back Indian nationals - if indeed any of the asylum seekers are from India.

It might seem like an odd trip for him to make seeing as though the status of said asylum seekers is currently the subject of a dispute in the High Court and sending the group to a foreign country before the case is heard would seem - at the very least - to be an act of contempt since there is currently a High Court injunction preventing the government from moving the asylum seekers without notice.

But that's because you're thinking that Morrison is a responsible government minister beholden to Australia's laws and forgetting that he is Dickbeard the Pirate, lawless privateer of the high seas, who only recognises the international human rights legislation of cannonball and cold steel!

In fact, it appears that India didn't only refuse to take the people off Morrison's hands: they also pretty much told him to blow it out his arse.

The Times of India made the point that this was the first time that Australia had reached out to India on the subject of (ahem) "illegal immigration" and that they had enough problems with people crossing the border from Bangladesh without also taking Australia's unwanted humans, thanks very much.

The Indian government, meanwhile, released a statement right after the meeting making clear that “India, as a matter of policy, does not support any kind of illegal migration either into its own territory or illegal migration of its citizens to foreign territories".

How does the man have the barefaced gall to do this? Because he's still under the impression that because the boat carrying the asylum seekers was intercepted outside of Australia's territorial waters, all the normal laws regarding the people no longer apply. That's almost certainly not true - that's what the High Court challenge is set to determine in a fortnight's time - but he's behaving as though the court's already ruled in his favour. Hubris is, seemingly, not a big issue.

And as we pointed out yesterday, if these people were intercepted and incarcerated outside the strictures of Australian law, then this is technically an act of piracy. And as the old salts sing:

To India he ventured with vim and with pluck,

Only to hear that himself he should fuck,

So Dickbeard drew anchor and sailed off from Delhi

With one-fifty-seven still in his ship's belly.


A crewman asked "haven't we got obligations,

"As part of our deal with the United Nations?"

"Seize him!" roared Dickbeard "'Tis practically mutiny!

"Now, find me a harbour with no UN scrutiny!"

So, anyone play accordion and fancy making an album of satirical sea shanties? We'll make MILLIONS!

Lone Wolf wrote:
   POSSIBLY the one thing that will be so fondly remembered about Scott Morrison is his propensity to constantly dodge actually answering any questions by continually declaring that his department/ministry won't release any information that might compromise ongoing operations in the area...

'Cowardly custard' Morrison has used this excuse to save him from having to actually answer any questions at all and whatsoever put to him over the last nine months ~ instead leaving it up to his office to send out press releases some weeks after the event..    

With the High Court challenge happening, the UN openly criticising his his handling of offshore detention, Amnesty International and the Australian Human Rights Commission openly condemning his refusal to allow them to investigate the treatment of detainees on Christmas Island, Manus Island and Nauru and the deliberate obfuscation of the investigation into the murder of Reza Barati on Manus Island in February - and now defaming Australian cricketing legends in the bargain - it’s hardly a stretch to say that Scott Morrison’s days are numbered.

Up until now the government has skated by on being strong and resolute about border protection, knowing that the electorate and those that support the party are going to be on board. But the sharks have smelled blood in the (non-boat-free) water and now former allies are starting to distance themselves. Which is odd: he seems like such a warm, friendly, compassionate fellow!

Now a coalition of church leaders are calling for him to step down and accusing him of committing “state sanctioned child abuse” over the treatment of children in detention.

The group, the Australian Churches Refugee Taskforce, are releasing a report later today and it seems that the hard lessons learned by the royal commission into institutional child abuse has taught the churches some hard lessons - and they’re coming out swinging.

“We'll never again stand by and do nothing about child abuse,” declared Reverend Peter Catt, Anglican Dean of Brisbane. “We have the absolute duty to make sure the events that came out from the Royal Commission aren't repeated in any setting. Institutional child abuse occurs in many different settings and it's illegal, it's horrific and it's unacceptable.”

“Claims of state sanctioned child abuse are shocking and offensive and the Minister rejects these categorically,” a spokesperson for Mr Morrison said, a claim that only works if you wilfully reinterpret either “abuse”, “child” or “state sanctioned”.

If you agree with Morrison’s spokesliar, then here’s a fun experiment you can do in the comfort of your own home: create your own Christmas Island Children’s Wonderland by infecting your kids with tuberculosis, stop having them educated, leave them outside with limited shelter during the day and ensure they know that tonight could be the night they’re suddenly awoken to be taken without warning to an even more terrifying place, and then inform the authorities about what you’re doing. See if they agree that’s not abuse.

So, what’s the excuse going to be? Our money is on “family reasons”, although it would be more in character for him to refuse to give any explanation whatsoever.