Police Report Sheds New Light on Palin Brawl

By now you’ve probably heard that the Palin family was in a bit of a drunken brawl at an Alaskan house party a couple weeks back. A recently released police report offers lots of new details about what, exactly, happened that night. Spoiler alert: it ain’t pretty.

We all know that Sarah Palin talks a lot about “family.” Family values, mama grizzlies, hockey moms… you remember, right? Well apparently, drunken brawls are also a family affair for the Palins, because according to the police report, it was basically the whole fam-damly was involved in not just one, but several altercations.

The Palins arrived at the party discretely in a “long white limousine” and proceeded to drink copious amounts of alcohol. Witnesses report seeing Todd Palin, as well as son Track involved in a physical fight in front of the home, before a later altercation between daughter Bristol and the party’s host erupted inside the house.

When the police arrived, Track was bloodied, shirtless and hopping into the limo to make his getaway. Ultimately, no charges were filed, and it sounds like it’s just a case of a few people having a few too many and getting a little out of hand. That said, do you all remember that [Republican candidate for President] John McCain decided that this was the family that should live in the Vice President’s residence? Lets all be glad we, as a nation, dodged that bullet.  Imagine if this whole scene was playing out in the White House rose garden.