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About Us & RulesPure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
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Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Sun Nov 19, 2017 2:01 am
First topic message reminder :
* Mushrooms are the teeth of the earth. When you pull one out, another sprouts up in its place.
* The Big Mac was so named because there was this guy. His name was Mac, and he loved burgers. He ate so many of them that he eventually would tip the scales at 400 pounds. Thus earning the moniker "Big."
* Ever wonder why a cigarette of marijuana is called a "joint"? Well! It's because the first marijuana cigarettes, smoked by the native Peruvians, were made from knee caps. Fun fact -- people smoked them from their own skinned knee caps!
* Like, they were still alive!
* Mushrooms are the teeth of the earth. When you pull one out, another sprouts up in its place.
* The Big Mac was so named because there was this guy. His name was Mac, and he loved burgers. He ate so many of them that he eventually would tip the scales at 400 pounds. Thus earning the moniker "Big."
* Ever wonder why a cigarette of marijuana is called a "joint"? Well! It's because the first marijuana cigarettes, smoked by the native Peruvians, were made from knee caps. Fun fact -- people smoked them from their own skinned knee caps!
* Like, they were still alive!
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Thu Feb 22, 2018 10:06 pm
eddie wrote:“The Cold War” was so-called because of the fight over old time global warming.
There was a country called “Fuck it’s cold” back in the day and there was a neighbouring country called “Jeepers it’s chilly”. The people of Fuck hated the people of Jeepers and they constantly called to each other over their country’s fences,
“Oh! Stop saying it’s cold over there! It’s colder over here, isn’t it?!”
Well things got pretty frosty between them eventually - the atmosphere became well icy, didn’t it? So a big old war broke out. Ice picks were thrown as were ice cubes and also ice lollies....weapons of mass destruction!
This Cold War went on for a proper long time, like about a few months until they all got too cold fighting outside and said “Sod it!” and went home for some hot iced water.
The people of Fuck it’s cold and Jeepers it’s chilly never really made up and eventually Frosty the snowman and Jack Frost (who were brothers or something) stopped visiting both places and tings soon warmed up, hence today’s Global Warming.
That is amazing, I never knew that! Any of it. Literally any one bit of it.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Sat Feb 24, 2018 2:23 am
So there once was a strange tribe of people called the Gocks who lived in the southwest Amazon Rainforest. They used to say their hard Gs like we would all expect -- you know, like in eggs, grapes, galoshes -- wow, now I'm hungry for galoshes. But I digress. Don't I.
Long story slightly shorter, these Southwestern Amazonians split into two groups -- or croups? For one sect elected to select a dialect in which hard G sounded more like hard C. (Or K, if you're fick.)
So right in the middle of all of this, gold was discovered in the middle of the rainforest! But one side, the side that pronounced the hard G as a K, slaughtered each and every one of the other side.
It was terrible.
But the victors get (ket) to write the history, no? So today we call their war over a shiny yellow metal the "Cold" war, rather than the "Gold" war.
Long story slightly shorter, these Southwestern Amazonians split into two groups -- or croups? For one sect elected to select a dialect in which hard G sounded more like hard C. (Or K, if you're fick.)
So right in the middle of all of this, gold was discovered in the middle of the rainforest! But one side, the side that pronounced the hard G as a K, slaughtered each and every one of the other side.
It was terrible.
But the victors get (ket) to write the history, no? So today we call their war over a shiny yellow metal the "Cold" war, rather than the "Gold" war.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Thu Mar 15, 2018 12:51 am
So, in Ireland, they used to reward children for doing well in school, or performing good deeds, or for winning drinking contests (cos Ireland innit) by giving them toys the morning after the day they'd done something good.
During the Potato Famine, they had to resort to the worst, most boring, just pretty much shit toys. Because you know, they were eating grass and boiling their shoes, not to mention emigrating to places like America so that they could find enough alcohol to drink. (Okay, please remember at this point that the author is of Irish ancestry.)
Well, at one point, the most popular toy during the famine was the humble spinning top. Like I said before, the toys were really stupid.
So if a child performed extraordinarily well on a school assignment, or helped a friend whose parents just fucked off to America, or drank a whopping 12 more shots of whiskey than the very same friend, the following morning they'd win a spinning top.
And that's how we got the popular Irish greeting -- "Top of the morning to you."
During the Potato Famine, they had to resort to the worst, most boring, just pretty much shit toys. Because you know, they were eating grass and boiling their shoes, not to mention emigrating to places like America so that they could find enough alcohol to drink. (Okay, please remember at this point that the author is of Irish ancestry.)
Well, at one point, the most popular toy during the famine was the humble spinning top. Like I said before, the toys were really stupid.
So if a child performed extraordinarily well on a school assignment, or helped a friend whose parents just fucked off to America, or drank a whopping 12 more shots of whiskey than the very same friend, the following morning they'd win a spinning top.
And that's how we got the popular Irish greeting -- "Top of the morning to you."
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Thu Mar 15, 2018 12:55 am
Oh dude. Top (of the morning) post! Under two minutes and intense pressure from me.
I will try and top it if I win a spinny thing.
I will try and top it if I win a spinny thing.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Wed Mar 21, 2018 7:31 pm
“Make love not war!” you may hear on the battlefields around the world. This simply means “let’s cuddle instead of shooting each other dude”. After extensively researching this noble cry, I can confidently say, that I am a little bit accurate with my findings.
Long ago, like a few thousands years and some decades ago, there was a village simply called ‘Sign-Writing-Village’ where the trade was sign writing. Everyone in the village proudly displayed their family names on everything they owned - their houses, their fridges, their buckets, their cars, (though I’m not sure cars were invented then but certainly they would have had them on their mopeds). Anyway, after some years and many moons, everyone had signs and they were all like, well, we can’t sell anymore, can we?
Suddenly, two families arrived in the village; the Wars and the Loves.
A well long story short, the Loves were loved by all because they were nice “Hallo” they would say “we are the Love family, how are you?”
The Wars on the other hand were grumpy, “Fuck off” they would say.
The sign writers one day had a huge order to make signs for both the Love family and the War family. The new boy began work on the War family’s sign cos he had his one good eye on their grumpy daughter. The manager ran in and shouted,
“No! We hate those wankers! Stop making War signs! Make Love....not War!”
And that’s how it started. The saying caught on and became a mantra.
Which incidentally, is why Wars are named Wars...all after that grumpy family - that’s an added extra fact and you’re welcome.
Long ago, like a few thousands years and some decades ago, there was a village simply called ‘Sign-Writing-Village’ where the trade was sign writing. Everyone in the village proudly displayed their family names on everything they owned - their houses, their fridges, their buckets, their cars, (though I’m not sure cars were invented then but certainly they would have had them on their mopeds). Anyway, after some years and many moons, everyone had signs and they were all like, well, we can’t sell anymore, can we?
Suddenly, two families arrived in the village; the Wars and the Loves.
A well long story short, the Loves were loved by all because they were nice “Hallo” they would say “we are the Love family, how are you?”
The Wars on the other hand were grumpy, “Fuck off” they would say.
The sign writers one day had a huge order to make signs for both the Love family and the War family. The new boy began work on the War family’s sign cos he had his one good eye on their grumpy daughter. The manager ran in and shouted,
“No! We hate those wankers! Stop making War signs! Make Love....not War!”
And that’s how it started. The saying caught on and became a mantra.
Which incidentally, is why Wars are named Wars...all after that grumpy family - that’s an added extra fact and you’re welcome.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Wed Mar 21, 2018 10:07 pm
Your findings seem to be quite highly slightly accurate - don't they?
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Sun Mar 25, 2018 12:21 am
So there was this village called Bumroger, England that had the hugest hill, nearly mountain-sized but let's us not let it get a big 'ead right?
So anyway, the economic incentive in Bumroger was, for some reason, just trust me, to get to the top of the hill. Maybe there was diamonds and pearls up there, I don't know do I?
People would spend their entire lives trying to get up to those treasures, and very few of them survived the climb. But if they did, they'd be quite old and wizened ("WHY-ZENNED") before collecting their booty (heh heh) and making their way to the next village, which was called Glory Hole, to sell it and become really well rich.
So if anybody actually lived long enough to make it up the Bumroger hill, collect the gems and make it down to Glory Hole to sell it, they were "over the hill."
And, believe it or not, that's where we get the expression, "over the hill."
So anyway, the economic incentive in Bumroger was, for some reason, just trust me, to get to the top of the hill. Maybe there was diamonds and pearls up there, I don't know do I?
People would spend their entire lives trying to get up to those treasures, and very few of them survived the climb. But if they did, they'd be quite old and wizened ("WHY-ZENNED") before collecting their booty (heh heh) and making their way to the next village, which was called Glory Hole, to sell it and become really well rich.
So if anybody actually lived long enough to make it up the Bumroger hill, collect the gems and make it down to Glory Hole to sell it, they were "over the hill."
And, believe it or not, that's where we get the expression, "over the hill."
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Sun Mar 25, 2018 12:24 am
Wow, did you read that and research it and everything?
Must’ve taken you like, about 14 minutes or more!
What a Glory Hole of a story.
Must’ve taken you like, about 14 minutes or more!
What a Glory Hole of a story.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by JulesV Wed Mar 28, 2018 12:49 pm
Stock market traders behave like unprincipled animals sometimes. Hence they were initially called ''greedy pigs, hound dogs and rats-in-the-rat-race''
But the world got kinder so gave them nicer animal names so nowadays they are typically labelled "bulls", "bears" and "stags".
Tis true, honestly!!!
....... tho these guys may have a rather different explanation >>
But the world got kinder so gave them nicer animal names so nowadays they are typically labelled "bulls", "bears" and "stags".
Tis true, honestly!!!
....... tho these guys may have a rather different explanation >> - Spoiler:
- https://www.sapling.com/7226895/terms-bear-stag-stock-market
"Bull", "bear" and "stag" are stock market terms describe a particular type of investor, or a perspective on market conditions. Bull and bear reflect contrasting views on a stock's direction, while a stag is someone who gets in and out of stocks quickly for profit.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Guest Wed Mar 28, 2018 1:54 pm
Many moons ago there was a young man called Peter. He was the smallest of 3 brothers being only 6'7 compared to their 6'8 and 6'9 heights so they called him Titch. The villagers thought that hilarious. Young Titch worked at a small mill about 2 miles across the fells and where he was well known for always being punctual. His long legs galloped across the fells in a fraction of the time it took anyone else and he always arrived to work in plenty of time.
Due to a childhood incident, Titch had a phobia of fire and early one morning just as the dawn was breaking Titch was making his way to work when he saw the mill in the distance with smoke coming out. He knew that there would be 9 night workers who would still be in there as he was early as usual and they were trapped.
Without thinking about his fear he picked up pace and covered the remaining ground in seconds, dashed up the stairs which were on fire and got the 9 workers all out and into safety.
Sadly, the mill burnt down but at least no one died that day.
Many people think it means don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today, but it actually means, face your fears and be brave
''As Titch in time saves 9''
Due to a childhood incident, Titch had a phobia of fire and early one morning just as the dawn was breaking Titch was making his way to work when he saw the mill in the distance with smoke coming out. He knew that there would be 9 night workers who would still be in there as he was early as usual and they were trapped.
Without thinking about his fear he picked up pace and covered the remaining ground in seconds, dashed up the stairs which were on fire and got the 9 workers all out and into safety.
Sadly, the mill burnt down but at least no one died that day.
Many people think it means don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today, but it actually means, face your fears and be brave
''As Titch in time saves 9''
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Wed Mar 28, 2018 10:12 pm
Nice addition there Gels! Lots of facts and figures and general truthfulness.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Wed Mar 28, 2018 10:42 pm
Pretty good there gels, I have to say I'm jealous I didn't know that 
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Tue Apr 10, 2018 12:32 am
So you know how child brides used to be like, the ting rather than gross? Like you'd marry a little girl off to some bloke in 'es 20s innit (or even older) and nobody said anything because of how everybody used to drink alcohol constantly to avoid getting poisoned by feces ting in drinkin' water and everybody was proper bolloxed all the time.
So when the groom would lead the bride down the aisle, he'd LITERALLY have to grab onto her hand and guide her because she was like 8 and LITERALLY didn't know where to go.
So that's where we get the phrase "take my hand in marriage," from the child bride having to take the grown groom's hand so she wouldn't run off and play with Barbies and ting.
Cos of Medieval pedo tings.
So when the groom would lead the bride down the aisle, he'd LITERALLY have to grab onto her hand and guide her because she was like 8 and LITERALLY didn't know where to go.
So that's where we get the phrase "take my hand in marriage," from the child bride having to take the grown groom's hand so she wouldn't run off and play with Barbies and ting.
Cos of Medieval pedo tings.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Tue Apr 10, 2018 12:39 am
Okay Ben Mothafuckin Reilly that’s not quite right because I have researched this pretty long time.
So, there was once a man scientist and a female scientist of bones and he well liked her for ages but don’t know how to tell her. So anyway, cos he collected skeletons for research purposes and bone science stuff, he impressed her with his bones. She was like, oooh I love that bone skeleton fam, I’d love to own it, I would.
So he decided to ask her to be his forever. He planned to give her the whole bone skeleton thing cos he was well romantic. Alas, it so happened that some thief dude climbed in through his window and snatched his bone person up....but left behind one part of the skeleton.
When the bone man met up with his lady he said
“Look I wanted to ask you to be mine forever with a whole set of bones but I only have one bone body part left....will you take this hand in marriage?”
And that’s how that expression came about. Forget that medieval paedo shit you just read. This is true fiction.
So, there was once a man scientist and a female scientist of bones and he well liked her for ages but don’t know how to tell her. So anyway, cos he collected skeletons for research purposes and bone science stuff, he impressed her with his bones. She was like, oooh I love that bone skeleton fam, I’d love to own it, I would.
So he decided to ask her to be his forever. He planned to give her the whole bone skeleton thing cos he was well romantic. Alas, it so happened that some thief dude climbed in through his window and snatched his bone person up....but left behind one part of the skeleton.
When the bone man met up with his lady he said
“Look I wanted to ask you to be mine forever with a whole set of bones but I only have one bone body part left....will you take this hand in marriage?”
And that’s how that expression came about. Forget that medieval paedo shit you just read. This is true fiction.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Original Quill Tue Apr 10, 2018 2:09 am
No...that's not it at all. He said, "My big bone has been taken from me; will you accept this bone for better or for worse, in sickness and in health?
She responded, "Is that lil bone yer funny bone? Ya gotta have some junk in the trunk!"
She responded, "Is that lil bone yer funny bone? Ya gotta have some junk in the trunk!"
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Sat Apr 14, 2018 11:16 pm
So you know by now that science is a thing. Pretty big thing -- moon landing and medicine and ting. But you wouldn't believe how it first came about. I've researched it thoroughly and yet I still find myself calling myself a liar for putting this out there.
So years ago, back in the caveman days, there was nothing for a sickly, weak, spindle-armed man to do. The big strong strapping men were out there hunting bison and mammoths and this got the cave-ladies all hot and bothered, innit, so they couldn't even find a girlfriend.
They tried what every man in their position has tried. They pretended to be elves or dwarves in an epic fantasy game. And they got stamped, bruv. They wrote, and read, comic books. And they got stamped. They re-enacted famous battles -- and got stamped for it. Yet still, hence and thus, they felt empty and sad and turned into right pomplexes.
Then one day, one of them was like, "Oy! I wonder where the rain comes from?" And one of the strapping cavedudes said, "From God" and stamped him, innit.
But the cavenerds persevered. They studied the rain and the rocks and the stars and the moon and the animals and the tings, until finally everybody got so bored of them that they left them alone.
And that's why we, to this day, still have science.
So years ago, back in the caveman days, there was nothing for a sickly, weak, spindle-armed man to do. The big strong strapping men were out there hunting bison and mammoths and this got the cave-ladies all hot and bothered, innit, so they couldn't even find a girlfriend.
They tried what every man in their position has tried. They pretended to be elves or dwarves in an epic fantasy game. And they got stamped, bruv. They wrote, and read, comic books. And they got stamped. They re-enacted famous battles -- and got stamped for it. Yet still, hence and thus, they felt empty and sad and turned into right pomplexes.
Then one day, one of them was like, "Oy! I wonder where the rain comes from?" And one of the strapping cavedudes said, "From God" and stamped him, innit.
But the cavenerds persevered. They studied the rain and the rocks and the stars and the moon and the animals and the tings, until finally everybody got so bored of them that they left them alone.
And that's why we, to this day, still have science.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Sat Apr 14, 2018 11:19 pm
That was pretty awesomely funny, seriously.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Mon Apr 16, 2018 9:18 pm
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
April 16, 1998 - Rod Gobbler, the inventor of autofellatio, commits suicide at age 46.
April 16, 1998 - Rod Gobbler, the inventor of autofellatio, commits suicide at age 46.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Mon Apr 16, 2018 9:31 pm
Ben Mothafuckin' Reilly wrote:ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
April 16, 1998 - Rod Gobbler, the inventor of autofellatio, commits suicide at age 46.
Did he choke to death?
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Mon Apr 16, 2018 9:49 pm
Anyway, I researched the origins of “science” myself for over 29 minutes this evening and this is what I discovered to be true.
Science was invented by a group of geeks who never went out.
Their names were:
Stan
Colin
Ian
Edmund
Nigel
Colin (yes two of them innit)
Englebert.
So their club of atoms and bubbling tubes and shit was just an anagram of all their names. Of course, they tried to talk others into it but no one else liked them cos they were all dumbass idiots.
Actually one other person was interested and his name was also Colin but they said “We’ve got two Colin’s already, haven’t we?!”
*A possibly true fact! The third Colin went off to discover the colon in the human body and wanted it to be named after him but somebody made a clerical error and spelled his name wrong so he ate his own colon and killed himself like about three days later.
Science was invented by a group of geeks who never went out.
Their names were:
Stan
Colin
Ian
Edmund
Nigel
Colin (yes two of them innit)
Englebert.
So their club of atoms and bubbling tubes and shit was just an anagram of all their names. Of course, they tried to talk others into it but no one else liked them cos they were all dumbass idiots.
Actually one other person was interested and his name was also Colin but they said “We’ve got two Colin’s already, haven’t we?!”
*A possibly true fact! The third Colin went off to discover the colon in the human body and wanted it to be named after him but somebody made a clerical error and spelled his name wrong so he ate his own colon and killed himself like about three days later.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Mon Apr 16, 2018 9:59 pm
eddie wrote:Anyway, I researched the origins of “science” myself for over 29 minutes this evening and this is what I discovered to be true.
Science was invented by a group of geeks who never went out.
Their names were:
Stan
Colin
Ian
Edmund
Nigel
Colin (yes two of them innit)
Englebert.
So their club of atoms and bubbling tubes and shit was just an anagram of all their names. Of course, they tried to talk others into it but no one else liked them cos they were all dumbass idiots.
Actually one other person was interested and his name was also Colin but they said “We’ve got two Colin’s already, haven’t we?!”
*A possibly true fact! The third Colin went off to discover the colon in the human body and wanted it to be named after him but somebody made a clerical error and spelled his name wrong so he ate his own colon and killed himself like about three days later.
Fuck you.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Thu Apr 19, 2018 10:06 pm
So, not many people know about the huge egos that really top chefs can have, right? I mean, they've never been on TV in competitions or anything, so how would one know?
But it's true!
So it turns out top chefs are very competitive, and they are always competitiving with their cooking.
Some of them go for substance and others go for appearance. This is a rock-solid fact of life in every pursuit, from personality to plumbing.
And it soon became a competition between top chefs whose food actually tasted good and those whose food was merely flashy-looking.
And the substance chefs soon started to deride the food of the flashy chefs, saying it was just "flash in the pan."
And that's where we get the phrase, "flash in the pan."
But it's true!
So it turns out top chefs are very competitive, and they are always competitiving with their cooking.
Some of them go for substance and others go for appearance. This is a rock-solid fact of life in every pursuit, from personality to plumbing.
And it soon became a competition between top chefs whose food actually tasted good and those whose food was merely flashy-looking.
And the substance chefs soon started to deride the food of the flashy chefs, saying it was just "flash in the pan."
And that's where we get the phrase, "flash in the pan."
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Thu Apr 19, 2018 10:10 pm
Wow that doesn’t sound at all made up. Really good researchability!
I also learned of a new word: “competitiving“
Just shows what I don’t know and what you do know .....and stuff.
I also learned of a new word: “competitiving“
Just shows what I don’t know and what you do know .....and stuff.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:55 pm
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
April 21, 2017: Donald Trump wakes up in his bed in Trump Tower, and the familiar surroundings convince him for a fleeting moment that the past three months had just been a bad dream.
April 21, 2017: Donald Trump wakes up in his bed in Trump Tower, and the familiar surroundings convince him for a fleeting moment that the past three months had just been a bad dream.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Sat Apr 21, 2018 10:29 pm
Also on this day I ate a whole punnet of mushrooms in about 2.6 seconds.
I’m proud.
I’m proud.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Sun Apr 22, 2018 1:43 am
TOP TIP:
Parents, are your toddlers simply out of control? At the end of your rope?
Thankfully, the behavior of small children is easier to manage than you might think.
The whole key lies in getting down to their level. Take a knee if you have to, so you can look them right in the eye, rather than towering menacingly over them.
Then simply place your hands firmly on their shoulders and say, as loudly as you can:
LOOK HERE YOU LITTLE FUCKING SHIT? DO YOU REALIZE I COULD PICK YOU UP AND FLING YOU ACROSS THE FUCKING ROOM? ARE YOU STUPID OR DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT ME TO DO IT, BECAUSE I FUCKING WANT TO DO IT RIGHT NOW!
Be sure to control your facial expression as well. You're going for "enraged murderer."
Parents, are your toddlers simply out of control? At the end of your rope?
Thankfully, the behavior of small children is easier to manage than you might think.
The whole key lies in getting down to their level. Take a knee if you have to, so you can look them right in the eye, rather than towering menacingly over them.
Then simply place your hands firmly on their shoulders and say, as loudly as you can:
LOOK HERE YOU LITTLE FUCKING SHIT? DO YOU REALIZE I COULD PICK YOU UP AND FLING YOU ACROSS THE FUCKING ROOM? ARE YOU STUPID OR DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT ME TO DO IT, BECAUSE I FUCKING WANT TO DO IT RIGHT NOW!
Be sure to control your facial expression as well. You're going for "enraged murderer."
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Sun Apr 22, 2018 1:47 am
Top tip! Don’t throw away your old, stinky socks!
Make them into scarves and give them to orphans because they can’t afford scarves and they won’t care that they look stupid with old, stinky socks round their necks because they have no parents.
Make them into scarves and give them to orphans because they can’t afford scarves and they won’t care that they look stupid with old, stinky socks round their necks because they have no parents.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Sun Apr 22, 2018 3:16 am
TOP TIP:
This one's for all you beer drinkers out there!
It could be said that beer is undergoing something of a renaissance, with microbreweries popping up everywhere you go. So many flavors to choose from and unique brews. But have you ever wondered whether you could simply do it yourself?
There are more kits out there for brewing your own beer than ever before. The market is flooded with kits that will let you brew anything from a creamy pilsner to a snappy IPA, all from the comfort of your own home and without any expensive equipment or training.
But here's one thing you need to know -- don't.
Just don't fucking do it.
Because whatever you do, you're going to fuck up, and you're just going to produce some shit that smells like farts that you're going to foist upon your friends and family, hoping in the back of your mind that you don't end up killing them with your poisonous bullshit.
And everyone will look at you differently after you brew your own beer. You'll be like that guy who has a pet ferret -- technically you aren't breaking the law, but the only people who will ever have sex with you will be just as bat-shit crazy as you are.
And heaven forbid your boss ever finds out you tried to brew your own beer. He or she will figure you're a bit like the people who decide to cut their own hair -- basically someone you don't want to have to sit next to on the bus, or on the train.
Just don't fucking do it, fam. If you're even thinking about it I already don't want to be near you. Just stand over there and don't come close to me.
This one's for all you beer drinkers out there!
It could be said that beer is undergoing something of a renaissance, with microbreweries popping up everywhere you go. So many flavors to choose from and unique brews. But have you ever wondered whether you could simply do it yourself?
There are more kits out there for brewing your own beer than ever before. The market is flooded with kits that will let you brew anything from a creamy pilsner to a snappy IPA, all from the comfort of your own home and without any expensive equipment or training.
But here's one thing you need to know -- don't.
Just don't fucking do it.
Because whatever you do, you're going to fuck up, and you're just going to produce some shit that smells like farts that you're going to foist upon your friends and family, hoping in the back of your mind that you don't end up killing them with your poisonous bullshit.
And everyone will look at you differently after you brew your own beer. You'll be like that guy who has a pet ferret -- technically you aren't breaking the law, but the only people who will ever have sex with you will be just as bat-shit crazy as you are.
And heaven forbid your boss ever finds out you tried to brew your own beer. He or she will figure you're a bit like the people who decide to cut their own hair -- basically someone you don't want to have to sit next to on the bus, or on the train.
Just don't fucking do it, fam. If you're even thinking about it I already don't want to be near you. Just stand over there and don't come close to me.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Sun Apr 22, 2018 3:19 am
I’m so glad I read this. I can’t tell you. I just went to brew some beer and I was like, let me check this shit out some more and then you wrote this and I was like, woah, I ain’t doing that Bruv!
Thank you. Quite a bit.
Thank you. Quite a bit.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Sun Apr 22, 2018 3:19 am
Top tip!
If like me, you want to make sure that your ancestors are financially secure then this is for you!
Stop recycling! That’s right! Spread the rumour that the ozone layer ting is a myth and collect all your plastic (as much as you can) and throw it into the sea and all over the roads - encourage others to do the same.
Go to your local bookmakers and place a bet that the world will be fucked by the year 2030 and even if you’re dead your ancestors can collect your winnings!
Top tip reminder! Make sure your bet has your family name on it to ensure your winnings come directly to your lineage fam.
Top tip reminder #2! Increase your plastic usage to ensure a bigger return.
If like me, you want to make sure that your ancestors are financially secure then this is for you!
Stop recycling! That’s right! Spread the rumour that the ozone layer ting is a myth and collect all your plastic (as much as you can) and throw it into the sea and all over the roads - encourage others to do the same.
Go to your local bookmakers and place a bet that the world will be fucked by the year 2030 and even if you’re dead your ancestors can collect your winnings!
Top tip reminder! Make sure your bet has your family name on it to ensure your winnings come directly to your lineage fam.
Top tip reminder #2! Increase your plastic usage to ensure a bigger return.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Mon Apr 23, 2018 10:08 pm
Top tip!
Sick of wasted food? Fed up with spending over £2 a week on unwanted veggies?
Wait!
Don’t throw away unwanted vegetables anymore!
Let them simply rot until they shrink right down into child-size pieces then simply pop them in your handbag for a small, handy and tasty snack on-the-go for your kiddies!
Sick of wasted food? Fed up with spending over £2 a week on unwanted veggies?
Wait!
Don’t throw away unwanted vegetables anymore!
Let them simply rot until they shrink right down into child-size pieces then simply pop them in your handbag for a small, handy and tasty snack on-the-go for your kiddies!
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Mon Apr 23, 2018 10:57 pm
eddie wrote:Top tip!
Sick of wasted food? Fed up with spending over £2 a week on unwanted veggies?
Wait!
Don’t throw away unwanted vegetables anymore!
Let them simply rot until they shrink right down into child-size pieces then simply pop them in your handbag for a small, handy and tasty snack on-the-go for your kiddies!
Thanks, eddie! I do that already, so I'll have plenty of treats for You-Know-Who.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Mon Apr 23, 2018 11:00 pm
Ben Mothafuckin' Reilly wrote:eddie wrote:Top tip!
Sick of wasted food? Fed up with spending over £2 a week on unwanted veggies?
Wait!
Don’t throw away unwanted vegetables anymore!
Let them simply rot until they shrink right down into child-size pieces then simply pop them in your handbag for a small, handy and tasty snack on-the-go for your kiddies!
Thanks, eddie! I do that already, so I'll have plenty of treats for You-Know-Who.
You’re so thoughtful.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Sat Apr 28, 2018 2:23 am
Top tip!
Getting new carpet? Don’t throw away your old one!
Use it to make a joke on your friends when they come over and get drunk!
Simply stick the old carpet on the ceiling and when they fall down drunk they’ll see carpet over their heads and think they’re lying on the ceiling looking at the floor!
Ha ha! Won’t you all laugh in the morning?
Added top tip! Save some of that old carpet for when they puke on the actual floor...you can stick the old carpet over the new and hide that vomitfest!
Getting new carpet? Don’t throw away your old one!
Use it to make a joke on your friends when they come over and get drunk!
Simply stick the old carpet on the ceiling and when they fall down drunk they’ll see carpet over their heads and think they’re lying on the ceiling looking at the floor!
Ha ha! Won’t you all laugh in the morning?
Added top tip! Save some of that old carpet for when they puke on the actual floor...you can stick the old carpet over the new and hide that vomitfest!
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Sat Apr 28, 2018 2:30 am
Top tip!
Have you got an old leaky football that you have to keep airing up every few hours and it keeps going all soggy and flabby when you're kicking it around?
You should probably just get a new one, right? But what to do with the old one?
Find the grubbiest group of little poor kids you can find, and just toss it into the middle of them.
Because poor kids are used to bitter disappointment.
Or, they'll eat it maybe!
Have you got an old leaky football that you have to keep airing up every few hours and it keeps going all soggy and flabby when you're kicking it around?
You should probably just get a new one, right? But what to do with the old one?
Find the grubbiest group of little poor kids you can find, and just toss it into the middle of them.
Because poor kids are used to bitter disappointment.
Or, they'll eat it maybe!
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Sat Apr 28, 2018 2:33 am
Great idea Ben!
I’ve just been donating my soggy balls to orphans so they can make furniture out of them!
I’ve just been donating my soggy balls to orphans so they can make furniture out of them!
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Tue May 01, 2018 9:14 pm
Top tip!
Fed up with people saying you “don’t do enough to help the environment”? Want to pinch them until they bleed?
Well now you don’t have to!
Simply smash up some old glass you have lying around and take it to the local beach at night, throw it all on the sand and wait till early morning then take a selfie showing you picking it all up!
Suggested caption:
#earlybirdgetstheglass
Don’t forget to look smug.
Post it on Facebook and shut those whiny-arse moaners up
Fed up with people saying you “don’t do enough to help the environment”? Want to pinch them until they bleed?
Well now you don’t have to!
Simply smash up some old glass you have lying around and take it to the local beach at night, throw it all on the sand and wait till early morning then take a selfie showing you picking it all up!
Suggested caption:
#earlybirdgetstheglass
Don’t forget to look smug.
Post it on Facebook and shut those whiny-arse moaners up
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Tue May 01, 2018 9:17 pm
Fantastic tip, edds. #fellin
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Tue May 01, 2018 9:19 pm
Ben Mothafuckin' Reilly wrote:Fantastic tip, edds. #fellin
#nearlydiedoftheheatfam
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Tue May 01, 2018 9:22 pm
Top tip, travel edition!
Don't you hate how expensive travel can be? Here's a way to soften the financial blow of your next vacation!
Even though it might seem counter-intuitive, bring an extra carry-on bag with you to your next holiday hot-spot! Fill it up with things that you planned to get rid of.
This is better than eBay, people!
When you get to your destination, take all that stuff you don't need any more, and simply ... throw it away!
This part is crucial -- hours before you board your flight home, go to a local bank and hand any teller a note, which reads:
I'M CRAZY AS FUCK AND I WILL BLOW MYSELF UP IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!
You've not only more than made up for the cost of your plane ticket, you now also have a big empty bag to carry home your loot!
Don't you hate how expensive travel can be? Here's a way to soften the financial blow of your next vacation!
Even though it might seem counter-intuitive, bring an extra carry-on bag with you to your next holiday hot-spot! Fill it up with things that you planned to get rid of.
This is better than eBay, people!
When you get to your destination, take all that stuff you don't need any more, and simply ... throw it away!
This part is crucial -- hours before you board your flight home, go to a local bank and hand any teller a note, which reads:
I'M CRAZY AS FUCK AND I WILL BLOW MYSELF UP IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!
You've not only more than made up for the cost of your plane ticket, you now also have a big empty bag to carry home your loot!
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Wed May 02, 2018 10:35 pm
Ask Ben
DEAR BEN: I need advice badly. A close family member has been living with a woman who sexually assaults people by grabbing their genitalia, kissing them forcibly on the mouth and touching their buttocks. She's completely without boundaries. What do I do?
- Molested in Halstead
DEAR MOLESTED: You just rub battery acid all over your ass, your tits and your junk, just before she comes around, and then eat some dog shit for a nice surprise when she goes in for a kiss. That'll learn her!
DEAR BEN: I had a brief affair with a married man 36 years ago. "Jerry" had left his wife after learning she was sleeping with his best friend. Our affair ended and we went on with our lives. Jerry stayed with his wife, and I married the man of my dreams.
After 45 years of marriage, Jerry's wife died. My husband died suddenly two months before she did. A few years ago, a mutual friend put us together. We enjoy each other's company and spend time together. But our family is giving us a hard time. What do I doooooooooooooo????
Horny in Horndean
DEAR HORNY: Either he left his wife or he stayed with her, you said he did both, which means you're not just a cheating whore, you're a liar, and stupid to boot! You and "Jerry" deserve each other.
DEAR BEN: My husband is retired. Except for golf a few times a week, he's home all the time. He has taken to looking at porn a lot when he is home, including pictures and reading racy stories.
When I come home from work, he's on the computer. I'm very uncomfortable with it, and I have told him so. He says I should join him looking at the pictures and reading the stories. Am I a prude or is this behavior unusual?
Turned Off in Turnbow
DEAR TURNED OFF: Here's what you do, right? Ask him to pull up some really specific porn, like "interracial midget gang-bang in a barn," and when he pulls it up, pretend to have the most mind-blowing orgasm of your life. He'll never ask you again, I promise.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Wed May 02, 2018 10:38 pm
Hahahahahahhahahahaa class.
Total class.
I have to beat this.
Total class.
I have to beat this.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Wed May 02, 2018 10:40 pm
eddie wrote:Hahahahahahhahahahaa class.
Total class.
I have to beat this.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Wed May 02, 2018 10:58 pm
Oh, and anybody, feel free to write to Ask Ben for advice like what you just saw.
Just post it up, eddie will tell me it's been posted and I'll get back to you within a week or two.
Just post it up, eddie will tell me it's been posted and I'll get back to you within a week or two.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by eddie Thu May 03, 2018 12:30 am
Dear Ben,
Recently I’ve noticed that no one will speak to me after I’ve eaten mushrooms. I’ve been called “dirtbag” and “earth breath” and it hurts!
Shall I stop eating my favourite snack or just ignore the haters?
Ps I am worried about kissing people due to my fungus mouth.
Yours, Erm....fungus mouth.
Recently I’ve noticed that no one will speak to me after I’ve eaten mushrooms. I’ve been called “dirtbag” and “earth breath” and it hurts!
Shall I stop eating my favourite snack or just ignore the haters?
Ps I am worried about kissing people due to my fungus mouth.
Yours, Erm....fungus mouth.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Ben Reilly Thu May 03, 2018 12:33 am
eddie wrote:Dear Ben,
Recently I’ve noticed that no one will speak to me after I’ve eaten mushrooms. I’ve been called “dirtbag” and “earth breath” and it hurts!
Shall I stop eating my favourite snack or just ignore the haters?
Ps I am worried about kissing people due to my fungus mouth.
Yours, Erm....fungus mouth.
DEAR FUNGUS MOUTH: You know what, haters gon' hate.
You do you, girl. If that means runnin' around with some stank-ass metal taste on your lips, then so be it.
Because anybody who really wants to kiss you won't mind the slightest.
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Re: Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch
by Guest Thu May 03, 2018 4:21 pm
Ben Mothafuckin' Reilly wrote:Ask Ben
DEAR BEN: I need advice badly. A close family member has been living with a woman who sexually assaults people by grabbing their genitalia, kissing them forcibly on the mouth and touching their buttocks. She's completely without boundaries. What do I do?
- Molested in Halstead
DEAR MOLESTED: You just rub battery acid all over your ass, your tits and your junk, just before she comes around, and then eat some dog shit for a nice surprise when she goes in for a kiss. That'll learn her!
DEAR BEN: I had a brief affair with a married man 36 years ago. "Jerry" had left his wife after learning she was sleeping with his best friend. Our affair ended and we went on with our lives. Jerry stayed with his wife, and I married the man of my dreams.
After 45 years of marriage, Jerry's wife died. My husband died suddenly two months before she did. A few years ago, a mutual friend put us together. We enjoy each other's company and spend time together. But our family is giving us a hard time. What do I doooooooooooooo????
Horny in Horndean
DEAR HORNY: Either he left his wife or he stayed with her, you said he did both, which means you're not just a cheating whore, you're a liar, and stupid to boot! You and "Jerry" deserve each other.
DEAR BEN: My husband is retired. Except for golf a few times a week, he's home all the time. He has taken to looking at porn a lot when he is home, including pictures and reading racy stories.
When I come home from work, he's on the computer. I'm very uncomfortable with it, and I have told him so. He says I should join him looking at the pictures and reading the stories. Am I a prude or is this behavior unusual?
Turned Off in Turnbow
DEAR TURNED OFF: Here's what you do, right? Ask him to pull up some really specific porn, like "interracial midget gang-bang in a barn," and when he pulls it up, pretend to have the most mind-blowing orgasm of your life. He'll never ask you again, I promise.
hahahahahaha - excellent advice
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