Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch

First topic message reminder :

* Mushrooms are the teeth of the earth. When you pull one out, another sprouts up in its place.

* The Big Mac was so named because there was this guy. His name was Mac, and he loved burgers. He ate so many of them that he eventually would tip the scales at 400 pounds. Thus earning the moniker "Big."

* Ever wonder why a cigarette of marijuana is called a "joint"? Well! It's because the first marijuana cigarettes, smoked by the native Peruvians, were made from knee caps. Fun fact -- people smoked them from their own skinned knee caps!

* Like, they were still alive!

gelico wrote:

Ben Mothafuckin' Reilly wrote:

Ask Ben

DEAR BEN: I need advice badly. A close family member has been living with a woman who sexually assaults people by grabbing their genitalia, kissing them forcibly on the mouth and touching their buttocks. She's completely without boundaries. What do I do?

- Molested in Halstead

DEAR MOLESTED: You just rub battery acid all over your ass, your tits and your junk, just before she comes around, and then eat some dog shit for a nice surprise when she goes in for a kiss. That'll learn her!


DEAR BEN: I had a brief affair with a married man 36 years ago. "Jerry" had left his wife after learning she was sleeping with his best friend. Our affair ended and we went on with our lives. Jerry stayed with his wife, and I married the man of my dreams.

After 45 years of marriage, Jerry's wife died. My husband died suddenly two months before she did. A few years ago, a mutual friend put us together. We enjoy each other's company and spend time together. But our family is giving us a hard time. What do I doooooooooooooo????

Horny in Horndean

DEAR HORNY: Either he left his wife or he stayed with her, you said he did both, which means you're not just a cheating whore, you're a liar, and stupid to boot! You and "Jerry" deserve each other.


DEAR BEN: My husband is retired. Except for golf a few times a week, he's home all the time. He has taken to looking at porn a lot when he is home, including pictures and reading racy stories.

When I come home from work, he's on the computer. I'm very uncomfortable with it, and I have told him so. He says I should join him looking at the pictures and reading the stories. Am I a prude or is this behavior unusual?

Turned Off in Turnbow

DEAR TURNED OFF: Here's what you do, right? Ask him to pull up some really specific porn, like "interracial midget gang-bang in a barn," and when he pulls it up, pretend to have the most mind-blowing orgasm of your life. He'll never ask you again, I promise.

hahahahahaha - excellent advice

Why thank you! Feel free to ask of me any time.

Does anyone know how eating was invented? Well I can actually, specifically tell you.

Before people knew about eating they were just kinda dying all over the place. One day a group of young men were all walking about half-dying and one of them said

“Know what bruvs? I’m not gonna die sad! Let’s play a game so we die smiling, yeah? What ya sayin’ fams?”

Welll they all nodded in agreement and came up with a game to see if they could throw berries into each other’s mouths. It so happened that one young chap, Duncan was his name, swallowed one accidentally

“Fuck me!  It’s started to fill me up! Quick, throw some more in me gob!”

So they did! And they discovered that putting things in their mouths and swallowing them made them not die.

Fun fact! It took a long time before people realised that you could actually put food in your mouth without waiting for someone to take aim and throw it.

Really fascinating, scintillating stuff there, edds. You remain a top-notch researcher.

eddie wrote:Does anyone know how eating was invented? Well I can actually, specifically tell you.

Before people knew about eating they were just kinda dying all over the place. One day a group of young men were all walking about half-dying and one of them said

“Know what bruvs? I’m not gonna die sad! Let’s play a game so we die smiling, yeah? What ya sayin’ fams?”

Welll they all nodded in agreement and came up with a game to see if they could throw berries into each other’s mouths. It so happened that one young chap, Duncan was his name, swallowed one accidentally

“Fuck me!  It’s started to fill me up! Quick, throw some more in me gob!”

So they did! And they discovered that putting things in their mouths and swallowing them made them not die.

Fun fact! It took a long time before people realised that you could actually put food in your mouth without waiting for someone to take aim and throw it.

SUPER SPECIAL BONUS FUN FACT! As people started trying new recipes and ended up with food that's way bigger than a berry, they began to wound or at least annoy one another by throwing food hard into someone's face but not getting it all the way into their mouths ... which is where today we get the expression "gob-smacked."

Doesn't that leave you gob-smacked???

Ben Mothafuckin' Reilly wrote:

eddie wrote:Does anyone know how eating was invented? Well I can actually, specifically tell you.

Before people knew about eating they were just kinda dying all over the place. One day a group of young men were all walking about half-dying and one of them said

“Know what bruvs? I’m not gonna die sad! Let’s play a game so we die smiling, yeah? What ya sayin’ fams?”

Welll they all nodded in agreement and came up with a game to see if they could throw berries into each other’s mouths. It so happened that one young chap, Duncan was his name, swallowed one accidentally

“Fuck me!  It’s started to fill me up! Quick, throw some more in me gob!”

So they did! And they discovered that putting things in their mouths and swallowing them made them not die.

Fun fact! It took a long time before people realised that you could actually put food in your mouth without waiting for someone to take aim and throw it.

SUPER SPECIAL BONUS FUN FACT! As people started trying new recipes and ended up with food that's way bigger than a berry, they began to wound or at least annoy one another by throwing food hard into someone's face but not getting it all the way into their mouths ... which is where today we get the expression "gob-smacked."

Doesn't that leave you gob-smacked???

SUPER SPECIAL SPECIAL BONUS FUN FACT! If people were taking too long to catch the food in their mouths then someone’s would call “Time!” and let that slow-food-catching- fucker die.
This person who called time was named a “Gob-Stopper”.

The quote "If I've seen far, it's because I've stood on the shoulders of giants" was, of course, a phrase coined by Bob Marley, but it also applies to greats in the field of science.

Of course, the giant that most great scientists owe so much to was Sir Isaac Newton. But did you know that he was wholly dependent upon the work of another great scientist? Oh yeah he was, baby.

So there was this dude by the name of Bob (he was like Madonna, just went by 'is first name) and he had an inkling that there might be something sticking everybody to the ground but he couldn't figure out what it was, could he? But he knew how to make something that would help the next genius along.

So he got out his tools, his hammer and his saw and his nails and his microscope and his welding torch and his graphing calculator, and he worked day and night in his outhouse ('cause no indoor plumbing in them days innit) and finally came out with something nobody understood in his day:

The apple.

Sadly, Bob died before he was able to properly explain the purpose of his invention -- that it was supposed to fall on the head of someone smarter than him and inspire them to figure out why we stick to the ground.

Instead, people started trying to throw them into one another's mouths.

Wow. I thought that the iPhone people invented Apple!

I learn so much, so slowly.

Super special fun fact!

Bob also invented something else before he died, and that was the “thingamyjig”

To this day, we still don’t know what this is!

I hope Bob is fucking proud of himself. The twat.

Dear Ben

I am a 30 something man who works in an office with a 30 something woman. I well fancy her, I do! Trouble is, she thinks she’s a lesbian. Should I just get a sex change and become a lesbian so I can shag her well good? But if I become a lesbian and she starts wanting a bit of todger, what will I do???
THIS IS CONFUSING ME!!!

From, Well Frustrated.

eddie wrote:Dear Ben

I am a 30 something man who works in an office with a 30 something woman. I well fancy her, I do! Trouble is, she thinks she’s a lesbian. Should I just get a sex change and become a lesbian so I can shag her well good? But if I become a lesbian and she starts wanting a bit of todger, what will I do???
THIS IS CONFUSING ME!!!

From, Well Frustrated.

DEAR WELL FRUSTRATED,

Well that's you good and screwed, isn't it? There's no way out and you should take this as a lesson that even though you have dreams for yourself, the universe doesn't have any dreams for you and is completely indifferent to your existence.

JUST KIDDING! You're very lucky to be living in an era of modern medicine tings! Here's what you do so that you're well equipped (heh-heh) for any romantic/sexual insanity scenario you ever find yourself in:

Just get the doctors to build you an artificial front crack!

DEAR WELL FRUSTRATED,

WTF do you think they invented pre-nups for?

Forget the cunt and bag that drunk broad you met at the Squeeze Box last Thursday.

I've decided to write ad copy for a living. Here's my crack at a commercial for Starbucks:

"Hey, coffee likers! Do you like coffee? Well, try Starbucks! It's coffee!"

Don't give up your day job !

nicko wrote:Don't give up your day job !

Yeah Nicko. I kind of agree with you on that one.

ORIGINAL FILM IDEA FOR: "Titanic"

So, everybody knows the movie "Titanic," is it. Not very good really. But not a lot of people know that the end result was as far removed from the original story idea than a thing that was really, really farly removed and ting.

It all started the day director James Cameron met me, innit. I was there to try to convince him to make a movie about my dog, which to be fair, he thought was shit and to be fair, I had come up with while pissy-wissy drunk.

"Fair enough, Jim," I said. "Good to meet you, fam. Big fan of Terminator. Say, could you show me to the bathroom?"

"Sure thing Ben," he said, clapping me on the shoulder with a brotherly camaraderie that relaxed me. "In fact, let me show you the way, 'cause I need a wee too don't I?"

So there we are, in adjacent stalls, weeing away, when he does what I knew he was going to do I did, and steals a peak at me todger.

"Oh my God!" he exclaimed.

"That thing is titanic!"

The script, needless to say, went through dozens of revisions.

Wow. I really never knew that. And I really believe it too....
Your thing is shaped like a boat.

Dear Ben,

I’m a lovely lady and have had some lovely male companions. However, I have very manky feet.
My toes are long and claw-like, my toenails are so rank they’re orange-coloured and they smell! Oh they smell.

So for this rank for problem I always keep my socks on in the act of lovemaking.

Recently I’ve met a man with a foot fetish and he wants me to get my massive clawed feet out!

What shall I do???

Please help

From Nasty Foot Tings

eddie wrote:Dear Ben,

I’m a lovely lady and have had some lovely male companions. However, I have very manky feet.
My toes are long and claw-like, my toenails are so rank they’re orange-coloured and they smell! Oh they smell.

So for this rank for problem I always keep my socks on in the act of lovemaking.

Recently I’ve met a man with a foot fetish and he wants me to get my massive clawed feet out!

What shall I do???

Please help

From Nasty Foot Tings

DEAR NASTY FOOT TINGS:

For your feet, you need a rock. Nothing big, just something small like a pebble. Stick that into one shoe and it will naturally change your gate.

Next, think about your wardrobe and imagine the type of person who would hate it, then get a whole new wardrobe based on what you think they'd wear.

If you wear make-up, stop. And vice-versa.

You're also going to have to change your hair. Cut it and dye it.

The second-hardest part is going to be learning to answer to a different name -- AND sticking to the fake biography you've made for your new self. Because if you haven't figured it out by now, the only way out of this is to fake your own death, change your identity and move to a new country.

Hit up my email for how to do certain illegal things like getting the identity of a dead person, which you will use to obtain legal documents like a new passport, Social Security number, etc. of course I wouldn't help you do anything illegal

Dear Eddie Top Chef -

I'm a lonely bachelor who never learned to cook for myself. Every night, after looking out the window at strangers passing by and weeping, I find myself hungry. So I wipe away my tears, take the noose off of my neck because I just thought how my parents would feel, and go to the kitchen and grab whatever's there.

What really makes me think I might not feel like life is just a meaningless, cold void is learning to cook, so I was hoping you could give me non-threatening instructions on how to make my favorite meal - a grilled cheese sandwich.

Sincerely troubled,
Dougie Downer

P.S. - are you single?

Dear Dougie Downer,

Hey you! Don’t be so down! Turn that frown upside down...huh?!
Anyway, cheese. That’s a toughie. Cheese is notoriously hard to cook so why don’t you just make some toast?

Just get some bread - any kind - there are two colours, brown and white, and just put two slices in the toaster.
Wait for it to go POP! and simply spread som butter on it, I prefer a knife for this job but you could use a spoon if you’re scared of like, cutting your own throat or whatever.
Eat it straightaway or don’t! That’s the beauty of toast.

You can also spread jam on toast. It comes in jars.

Ps. I am married! To food!

Bon appetite and don’t kill yourself until you’ve tried
my recipe for beans on toast!

This is for all you muddled shoppers out there!
Now I’ve researched this for over 40 years, that’s right, i started when I was just six years old...anyway, enough about my overly high IQ.

Hey shoppers! Think you’re being “undercharged” when buying your watermelons, latest ABBA CD, knitted cardigan twin sets, or similar? Well I can tell you that this isn’t so!
You see, there are “undercharger watchers” and these are people who hang around shops, employed by, erm....someone well important in a suit.... and they watch all the shoppers who’ve been undercharged for their purchases.

Then they listen to all your conversations! They find out where you’re shopping next and then they run really fast to that store and quickly put all the prices up on every single shop item so that whatever you buy....you’ll be paying back the exact amount you thought you’d saved in your “undercharged escapade”!!

So next time you think you’ve underpaid don’t be so tight!
Just pay what you owe you loser or get it stolen back and be even more of a loser.

eddie wrote:This is for all you muddled shoppers out there!
Now I’ve researched this for over 40 years, that’s right, i started when I was just six years old...anyway, enough about my overly high IQ.

Hey shoppers! Think you’re being “undercharged” when buying your watermelons, latest ABBA CD, knitted cardigan twin sets, or similar? Well I can  tell you that this isn’t so!
You see, there are “undercharger watchers” and these are people who  hang around shops, employed by, erm....someone well important in a suit.... and they watch all the shoppers who’ve been undercharged for their purchases.

Then they listen to all your conversations! They find out where you’re shopping next and then they run really fast to that store and quickly put all the prices up on every single shop item so that whatever you buy....you’ll be paying back the exact amount you thought you’d saved in your “undercharged escapade”!!

So next time you think you’ve underpaid don’t be so tight!
Just pay what you owe you loser or get it stolen back and be even more of a loser.

You know, now that you say this, a lot of weird stuff that has happened to me before suddenly makes sense!

Fun fact!

Did you know that hats originated way back in the caveman days? It's true, I'm not lying, I'm a very honest person actually and you're being a bit insulting, really.

No, without literally seconds upon seconds of research, interrupted only by short smoke breaks, I would never have found this vital information.

So about 10,000 years ago, give or take 10,000 years or so, there was this caveman in ancient Sumeria by the name of Bob.

One day Caveman Bob was out walking around, you know, when he stopped and said:

"Blimey but me 'ead's cold, innit fam?" (This was obviously decades before hair would be invented.)

In a flash of inspiration, he seized a dead squirrel laying on the ground and plopped it on his head.

Not only did it warm him, but it made Bob feel like he was in fashion style.

SUPER BONUS FUN FACT! Future cavemen would use Bob's invention as inspiration when they invented hair, wigs and astronaut helmets!

Dear Brit Top Chef,

Last night I was idly flipping through the television channels, thinking about the futility of my existence and dwelling on my certainty that I will never know what it feels like to be loved, or even noticed, when I started to get a bit peckish, and thought it might ease my existential dread somewhat to have a nice bowl of cereal with milk on it.

Now, I'm far too terrified to even set foot in my kitchen. I literally don't know what's in there. It could be pots and pans and appliances, or it could be a gateway to an unknowable dimension as far as I'm concerned. My heart's palpitating just thinking about it.

But I was thinking that if anybody could help me out here, it would be a luscious, bodacious and sagacious babe such as yourself. So please do all you can.

Please can you help?

Sincerely,

Nutrition is Wasted On Me, But I'm Hungry Anyway

P.S. - I've been looking at your Facebook page and I don't see any pictures of you with a man, is it possible that you're single???

*********

Hey, Nutrition is Wasted On Me, But I’m Hungry Anyway!

Cereal huh? Many types out there, thus this meal can be confusing to many. I’ve had a long and yet rather short relationship with Master-cooking qualifications so I think I may be able to help you here.
Get a bowl, these are best for cereal I find, as plates will allow milk to spill, and you don’t want to add to your problems, right?
Right!
So grab that bowl and pour some cereal - slowly - into it. Pour over some cold milk, you can get this from your fridge. Use a spoon, as a fork does not work - trust me, I made that mistake just last week!
And yes, I am single! Food is my life and finding new recipes is my passion! Good luck!

Dear Tex,

Recently I’ve noticed that all of my friends hate me.

They don’t say this, but I know. I also keep seeing little girl ghosts and they point at me and laugh.

I’m an interesting person who enjoys tapestry, reading about candle-making (and also buying and smelling and lighting candles!) and I also enjoy getting the black gunk out of the drawer of my washing machine and writing a blog about it, yet girl ghosts mock me and my friends avoid me.

What am I doing wrong?

Yours, Very Worriedly.

Howdy Very Worriedly!

Well, it sounds like you got yourself in a right fix there, gal! And I don't rightly know too much about no candle-makin' or clothes machinery, seein' as I wash all my threads in the same damn water I give to my pigs, but I do know one thing. Them little girl ghosts is gonna scare your horse away!

See, way back when, I used to have this ol' horse name-a Stumpy on account of he stepped in a bear trap on my grandpa's ranch and done got one of his hoofs chopped off. One day one of them little girl ghosts come out of the barn, and she done the whole dog-and-pony show - blood comin' out of her eyes, her face twisted in a preternatural shriek that revealed her to have needles of bone rather than teeth up in her mouth, hair still drippin' from where she'd swum up out of the watery grave where her killer'd left her -- you know the drill, it ain't like it's rocket surgery or nothin'.

Anyhoo, ol' Stumpy took off and never did come back. I still remember the sorrowful sight of him limp-gallupin' away as fast as he could.

Sorry I can't help you more!

Tex

~ASK TEX~

Featuring Tex!

Dear Tex,

I know you are a man of experience so I thought I’d ask you for some advice regarding the £15 million I have inherited. I have no idea what to do with it and at the moment, it’s sitting in a huge tin in the kitchen cupboard under my sink, where I am sure it is safe.
Shall I invest it? Or give it to the Cat place down the road? Or buy loads of women?
Please help! I’m a single, lonely man of twenty five and the only person I trust is you.

Yours, Rich and Stupid.

*****

Howdy Rich and Stupid!

Well I don't know much about all that investin' and such, but I sure could tell you what I'd be doin' with all that-there money -- I'd get me a ranch!

I'd have 10 million acres, half a million head of cattle, pigs as far as the eye can see and this one ol' goat I done had nigh-on 15 years now and the old coot just don't seem to die.

I done named him Lefty on account of how my little brother was shootin' his BB gun one time and accidentally blew off the goat's right gonad. You ever heard a goat squeal? Well, I ain't ever heard it since.

But ever since that day, he's gone all taciturn on me, and I've been thinkin' about gettin' him a lady goat to cheer 'im up, but what do you think -- you think he might take that as a dig? I don't wanna be insensitive or nothin', he is my favorite goat ever and I've saved 'im from the goat barbecue we have down here every year. And what does he do to repay me? Look at me with them sad eyes, like it was me shootin' that dang BB gun.

So, long story short, if I had all that money, son, I'd buy a lady goat for your ol' buddy Tex.

Sorry I couldn't be more help!

Dear Brit Top Chef,

So I'm getting on a health kick and I've decided I'd like to know how to make a tuna sandwich on whole grain bread with pickles!

I don't know why I'm on a health kick, though, because my life is still empty. Every silent second that ticks off the clock is like a stab wound to my heart. You'd think that would be numbing after a while, and you would be right. The other day I stole a child's bicycle out of someone's front yard just to see if it made me feel anything.

It didn't.

But anyway, about the tuna sandwich. Would I have to bake the bread? And could you come over and help me bake the bread, maybe wearing a slinky dress, at around nine o'clock some night?

I love you madly,

Fishy Face

******

Hey there Fishy Face!

Oooh, fish! Yuck. I don’t like it. I’ve heard it’s healthy, but it’s dead fish...right? Like dead. And it comes from the sea, and people wee in that! Right?

Right!

Okay so, because this is a notoriously tricky dish to make and also very fishy-tasting, I’d leave out the fish and just have a pickle sandwich!

Buy a jar of pickles and some of that exotic “whole grain bread” that you’ve heard of and just put those pickles right in between two slices of bread. You can do cheese if you’re feeling particularly peckish! Or even ham - which is made from part of a pig.

I am always busy at 9 pm! It’s usually the time I am practising boiling rice - that stuff sure is hard to get right!
I love the world too! Madly! Isn’t it lovely to love everyone and everything?!!

~ASK DRS. J & H~

Welcome to our new segment, in which Doctor J and his wife, Doctor H, a real-life married couple who are totally not based on any existing and copyrighted characters, take turns giving their expert relationship advice. Hopefully they'll help people lead happy, wholesome and healthy relationships!

Dear Drs. J & H:

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about two years. I thought we were very happy but recently he’s been taking calls in the middle of the night and secretly texting people and when I confront him about it, he denies it. His phone is always locked with a password.
He says I should trust him but my gut feeling is telling me something is wrong.
What should I do?
From Anon.

Doctor J says:

You honestly put me to sleep with that "I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend" nonsense and the rest of your babbling didn't even register. If I can possibly start to help you solve your pathetic "problem," we have to go so far back.

He's not your boyfriend and it's not a relationship, okay? He's your god and you're his goddess and you have to have a destiny together - something like destroying a city or waking up all the sheep might be a good start.

But if you're going to be all boring and vanilla, I would suggest buying a gun and practicing with it until the next time he gets a call and tries to walk away to take it, you can draw your pistol and shoot it right out of his boring hand in one smooth motion.

Then wink at him as you blow the smoke away from the barrel, that always gets me in the mood.

Doctor H says:

Well, well, well. Mr Secret-Pants needs to be taught a freakin’ lesson in love, doesn’t he?  Hell yes. Know what I’d do? I’d set fire to his phone and tie him to the bed for a while, crying like a baby.

Then I’d track down the little bitch he’s been texting and I’d make sure I taught her real good that no little Hottie-hot-pants is gonna steal my man.

Then get back to your house where the little grotbag is probably begging to be forgiven, put on your seriously good knee pads with the spikes on and knee him in his wandering penis.

That should show him. Little Motherfucker.

~Remember, Doctors J & H are here to help you experience healthy, fulfilling love!~

SIGNS YOU GREW UP POOR!

You're out driving and you smell something funny, and you immediately assume your car is breaking down.

You got excited when your mom got pregnant, because it meant milk for your cereal in the morning.

Your mother sent you out to gather cigarette butts so your dad didn't have to quit smoking.

You have an old family recipe that calls for road-kill squirrel.

Every New Year's Day, your mother got out a pen and fixed the calendar.

You grew up thinking Santa Claus was a thief because you kept getting your own toys back as presents.

You had to piss in bottles, just in case the water got shut off and you had nothing to drink.

You still sort of think McDonald's is fancy.

Sometimes you had a phone, sometimes not.

The family heirloom was a set of dentures.

Your mom polished one window up really nice and told you it was a TV.

If your family wanted to throw a party, you'd wait until your neighbor played the radio and you'd open a window.

Your parents got a little extra money and took you shopping for clothes at the "nice" second-hand store.

When a family member got a fever, you all huddled around them for warmth.

~ASK DRS. J & H~

... In which Doctor J and his wife, Doctor H, a real-life married couple who are totally not based on any existing and copyrighted characters, take turns giving their expert relationship advice. Hopefully they'll help people lead happy, wholesome and healthy relationships!

Dear Drs. J & H:

I'm just 16 but I really feel like I'm in love! My only problem is, the girl doesn't seem to know I exist. Sometimes I write her notes and leave them for her to find, but she never answers or even really looks at me. I keep thinking I should do something to really get her attention, but I can't think of what! Can you help?

Doctor J says:

Oh, the folly of youth! Oh, the snivelling little I-want-to-beat-your-face-into-a-pulp innocence of you! Seriously, man, I wish I could have you in my office. By which I mean my clutches, of course.

Let me tell you what I did to get Doctor H's attention:

First, I ignored her for at least two solid years. You definitely want her to think that she's basically an insect to you.

Then, when she was at her most dejected, I swept her into my arms and kissed her passionately as I hit the button on a detonator to blow up a certain pesky insane asylum.

Then I treated her to a night of mayhem - running from the cops, smashing the windows of jewelry shops and throwing barrels of pig's blood into them, making my minions think we were about to shoot them - you know, classic first date stuff.

And then - well, you're a bit young for the next part. One word, kid - chains.

Hope that helps! Not really.

****

Doctor H. says,

Oh for the love of Satan! You want this girl to want you or not? Stop being a little whining piece of crap and leaving silly little notes that she probably sets fire to!

Wanna get her attention real good? Hell yes.

Take her to an abandoned house, down into the basement and chain her to a hook in the wall. Strip her naked and demand that she worships you while you tease her mercilessly with a leather whip. Then, when she can’t take any more, drag her up to the roof and show her that you’re The Master.... all freakin’ night long.

Oh yeah.

She’s gonna be yours forever until you destroy each other with rage.

No more Mr Softy-Pants, you little sap. You carry on the way you are and you will never be the God of your Ring of Fire, dude.

Dear Drs J & H

I'm very worried about my son. It all started about 4 years ago when he was 10 and his primary school teachers said they were very worried about Billy's behaviour and his bullying of other children. Naturally, I ignored this as my Billy is lovely and would never dream of bullying anyone so I put it down to jealousy.

Now, he is 14 and for some reason the whole town seems to have turned against him and wherever I go all I hear is vile lies about him. He has been expelled from school. The said he brought a knife in and threatened another student. He told me that it was a lie but the teachers backed up the kid who was lying. Obviously, I totally believe my son because he doesn't lie, ever. He has been banned from shops nearby, apparently for shoplifting which I know is rubbish as he has been well brought up by me and has always had everything he ever wanted.

A couple of weeks ago he came in with blood on him saying he had been attacked, and I was worried sick. He refused to let me call the police. A couple of days later while Billy was out the police turned up and said Billy had been in a fight with two other people during a street robbery and they wanted to question him down at the station. Billy told me it was mistaken identity and he wasn't even there. Of course I knew he was telling me the truth because I knew he had been attacked. The next time the police knocked I hid Billy in the broom cupboard and told them I hadn't seen Billy for a few days and was worried.

Then only last night Billy turned up at home and shouted at me for ages. His breath smelled of alcohol yet I know for a fact that he doesn't drink because I've warned him not to. He screamed at me that my dinners always tastes like farts and his eyes were all glazed over like he wanted to kill me.

On top of this, I know that somehow someone is breaking in to my house and stealing from me as I have had money and jewelry go missing and I'm scared that maybe they might hurt my Billy if he's in the house when they next choose to break in.

How can I convince people that he really is a good boy, this is so upsetting

worriedly, Gelico

gelico wrote:

Dear Drs J & H

I'm very worried about my son.  It all started about 4 years ago when he was 10 and his primary school teachers said they were very worried about Billy's behaviour and his bullying of other children.  Naturally, I ignored this as my Billy is lovely and would never dream of bullying anyone so I put it down to jealousy.

Now, he is 14 and for some reason the whole town seems to have turned against him and wherever I go all I hear is vile lies about him. He has been expelled from school.  The said he brought a knife in and threatened another student.  He told me that it was a lie but the teachers backed up the kid who was lying.  Obviously, I totally believe my son because he doesn't lie, ever.  He has been banned from shops nearby, apparently for shoplifting which I know is rubbish as he has been well brought up by me and has always had everything he ever wanted.

A couple of weeks ago he came in with blood on him saying he had been attacked, and I was worried sick.  He refused to let me call the police.  A couple of days later while Billy was out the police turned up and said Billy had been in a fight with two other people during a street robbery and they wanted to question him down at the station.  Billy told me it was mistaken identity and he wasn't even there.  Of course I knew he was telling me the truth because I knew he had been attacked.  The next time the police knocked I hid Billy in the broom cupboard and told them I hadn't seen Billy for a few days and was worried.

Then only last night Billy turned up at home and shouted at me for ages.  His breath smelled of alcohol yet I know for a fact that he doesn't drink because I've warned him not to.  He screamed at me that my dinners always tastes like farts and  his eyes were all glazed over like he wanted to kill me.

On top of this, I know that somehow someone is breaking in to my house and stealing  from me as I have had money and jewelry go missing and I'm scared that maybe they might hurt my Billy if he's in the house when they next choose to break in.

How can I convince people that he really is a good boy, this is so upsetting

worriedly, Gelico

Doctor J says:

Your attempts to convince yourself that Billy is a snivelling little snot-nosey "good boy" make me want to vomit all over your pathetic face!

You don't recognize dear little Billy for what he is, a diabolical genius in the making. Your dinners probably do taste like farts and he probably does prefer whiskey - he's a growing boy, after all, and you're trying to blow out his beautiful black candle before it can erupt into a glorious, cleansing blaze that rids the world of the weaklings and hypocrites!

You should get him a little starter kit for the profound life he has in front of him. Start with a new, bigger knife, preferably a switchblade, then give him a gun and some C4 and a big fucking bag of money and some barbed wire and handcuffs for when he starts dating!

Fuck you,

J.

gelico wrote:

Dear Drs J & H

I'm very worried about my son.  It all started about 4 years ago when he was 10 and his primary school teachers said they were very worried about Billy's behaviour and his bullying of other children.  Naturally, I ignored this as my Billy is lovely and would never dream of bullying anyone so I put it down to jealousy.

Now, he is 14 and for some reason the whole town seems to have turned against him and wherever I go all I hear is vile lies about him. He has been expelled from school.  The said he brought a knife in and threatened another student.  He told me that it was a lie but the teachers backed up the kid who was lying.  Obviously, I totally believe my son because he doesn't lie, ever.  He has been banned from shops nearby, apparently for shoplifting which I know is rubbish as he has been well brought up by me and has always had everything he ever wanted.

A couple of weeks ago he came in with blood on him saying he had been attacked, and I was worried sick.  He refused to let me call the police.  A couple of days later while Billy was out the police turned up and said Billy had been in a fight with two other people during a street robbery and they wanted to question him down at the station.  Billy told me it was mistaken identity and he wasn't even there.  Of course I knew he was telling me the truth because I knew he had been attacked.  The next time the police knocked I hid Billy in the broom cupboard and told them I hadn't seen Billy for a few days and was worried.

Then only last night Billy turned up at home and shouted at me for ages.  His breath smelled of alcohol yet I know for a fact that he doesn't drink because I've warned him not to.  He screamed at me that my dinners always tastes like farts and  his eyes were all glazed over like he wanted to kill me.

On top of this, I know that somehow someone is breaking in to my house and stealing  from me as I have had money and jewelry go missing and I'm scared that maybe they might hurt my Billy if he's in the house when they next choose to break in.

How can I convince people that he really is a good boy, this is so upsetting

worriedly, Gelico

Doctor H says,

He’s a shit alright. Hell yes.
Wanna know why? He discovered The Dark and he went there to be possessed and enraged by the Masochistic Slave Goddess.

Good for him. Every young boy should have an experience that turns his soul darker than the inside of Doctor J’s heart. Every boy needs to seek his bad and find the disturbing mirror to his mind. How else will he blow the whole fucking town apart when he comes of age?

Watch him grow. Encourage him by buying him gifts of steel, leather, chains and bombs. Oh...and don’t forget the big metal gun....hell..yes...

Hope that helps. If it doesn’t, I don’t care.
Bitch, over and out.

H.

Dear Drs J & H:

I'm a 35-year-old single woman and I'm worried that I might never find my perfect man. There's this guy at my office, he's really handsome and funny, but I can't work up the nerve to talk to him and it makes me feel like a teenager!

I don't want to let life pass me by, but at the same time I find it so hard to take the initiative. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Fear Of Missing Out

***

Dr. J says:

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Oh, you make me sick with your fear, and I fear you're making me sick! Fear, dear, like yours is a contagion, a pathogen, that I'm proud to say I've made my life's work to eradicate from this hell we call a city.

So my advice to you would be to get out those knitting needles you and I both know you bought a few years ago after giving it WAY too much thought, and just go ahead and stab yourself with them. Seriously, it would do ME a lot of good (screw you!).

But no, that's too, that's too easy. No, go stab Kissyface McOffice-Boy with them. Best way to confront your fears is to stick needles in their eyes, that's what I tell all my, uh, patients.

And when he's dancing around, screaming, whistle a jaunty tune! Then maybe you'll stop being made out of cardboard.

***

Dr H says,

“Handsome and funny”? He sounds like a drag. Do you want a master or a puppy? Wise up, dear, before you bore him enough to send him over the edge of normal.

You want him to want you? Hell yes.

You need to get yourself some black fishnet gloves, boots that say you mean it, and a little choker with his initials on.

Burn your cardigans and get yourself some bitchin’ little hot pants that will melt his brain.

Go find him at his desk and sit on his lap. Make him mad. He will want to push you off and that’s when you take out your gun and ask him if he’s prepared to go into the dark with you.

Watch him grow. Take him to Hell. Oh you will.

Stop with your pussyfooting whining and don’t just “take the initiative”. Be the dark and cold inspiration for his soul and keep his night’s dark.....and black.

I’d like to say you’ll get your guy but you probably won’t. I can get whatever I please. Ask Dr J.

Hell yes.

Dear Drs. J & H:

I am so devastated. I love my girlfriend and we've been together nearly eight months, but today I found a love note in her jacket pocket.

It wasn't from me.

When I asked her about it, she said that it's just a secret admirer and that she only loves me, but she's been spending more and more time away. She tells me she's having girl's nights or meetings at work, but she never used to do that.

I don't want to be that kind of boyfriend, but I have too many suspicions and it's making it really weird between us. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Worried

***

Dr. J says:

Please don't think I care about you at all. Insecurity is death and fear is weakness and you're just a slimy ball of it that I want to shoot out of a whimsical cannon at some do-gooder idiot.

But you know, every once in a while I feel that way, too. We're only human, even if our calling is to rise above that and become gods.

So I'll tell you what I do.

First, I grab Dr. H in a loving embrace and inject horse tranquilizer right into that pert little rear end of hers. (Sometimes I do that when I'm not even feeling jealous, because the look on her face is always priceless.)

When she comes to, she finds herself chained to a chair in a place that I know all about but that she's never been. I do that to remind her of the power I have that she does not have. (It really gets her juices flowing, too.)

Then I wait - I've stood there, barely moving, for five hours or more at times - until she comes to. You have to time this part really carefully, because the effect you're going for is that the first thing she sees when she wakes up, groggy, is you walking away, silent and unconcerned.

At this point you give it another three or four hours. Then you return with the evidence.

Make the argument rational at first. She'll think she can reason with you. Then, out of nowhere, set your face on fire while cackling in pain and insanity. Her expression at this point should be, "I'm looking into the eyes of Satan himself, and I think I want to have sex with him."

Then, more neglect. More power displays. She's a tough little cookie! And you have to make her feel soft, like Jello ... like puddin'.

Then you lean in with a loving expression, as close as you can get without touching. You're offering her not freedom, but just one kiss ... one kiss if, of course, she fesses up.

That works for me about half the time. The rest of the time, she chomps down on my nose and it really hurts like the dickens!

Anyway, be strong and stop boring me. The End.

***

Dr H says,

So? And? What’s your problem, snotty boy? You’re jealous? So she has an admirer...so what? You know how many women I’ve had to fight, literally smash to hell with my baseball bat, because they thought they could get all sexed-up with Dr J?

I lost count dude. Hell yes.

Those bitches didn’t come close.

Listen to me. She needs showing. She needs taking down to the darkness and she needs to have that flashlight burning her pretty little eyes when you ask her this:

“Who’s your master?”

It works for me. Oh, it does....

She will beg you for mercy - which is what you want, baby - and then you can take her with you when you slash up Mr Love-note.

I’m not sure why you’re hanging around whining to us when you should be buying that little hottie some leather and some wristbands that say, “Yes sir”.

You better turn that girl into a bad-ass. And soon.

If you’re anything like Dr J you ain’t gonna want no Princess Sweet-pea. Hell no.

Hope that helps. But I’m guessing you don’t have the passion for it.

Shoot and blow.

Over and out.

Oh and....little boy...

Bore off.

***

Drs. J. and H. are a real-life married couple and relationship counselors who sincerely hope their insights can help every couple lead a more fulfilling romantic life.

TOP TEN ACTIVITIES FOR BORED PARENTS AND THEIR KIDS!

1. Teach your little darlings to play poker! If they suck, you win all their pocket money! If they don’t....send them off to a professional poker game and take their winnings. (It’s a financial win-win, right?)

2. Dress your kids up like celebrities from the 80s and 90s. The fact that they won't get the references will just make it funnier for you! (Kids don’t understand subtle humour, right?)

3. You know how kids just love to paint or colour pictures? Buy some paintbrushes and rollers and get them to paint the house! (Free labour, right?)

4. Fed up of visiting your elderly parents or boring relatives? Well, no one ever thinks a cute kid will lie so simply have them call everyone on your list and make your excuses for you. (And your kids are “keeping in touch”, right?)

5. You’re never too young to start learning to drive, right? Teach ‘em young and you’ll never need a designated driver...(And they’ll impress their friends, right?)

6. Give them two bags - one containing an ounce of “flour” and one containing a gram. Teach them to tell the difference. (No kid has ever been sentenced to jail, right?)

7. Take your kid to work and give them all the crappy jobs you hate doing, filing, diverting your phone calls, making your coffee and firing subordinates...it’ll keep them amused for hours and make you look good! (Kids have no right to wages, right?)

8. Teach your kids to forge passports in the morning and right after lunch get them to google a list of criminals that have just been released from jail... (You make money and the crim gets a fresh start, right?)

9. Have you got some boring pre-talkers? Fed up of their “baby babble”? Tell them to say “antidisestablishmentarianism.” Point at them and laugh at their struggling. (It will teach them humility, right?)

10. If you’re still struggling to find something to do with your kid...no matter their age, sit them down and tell them all your hopes and dreams, your flaws and your accomplishments and why you’re proud to be who you are. They’ll either learn how cool their parent is, or they will be so bored they will fall fast asleep. (You both win either way, right?)

~If these tips work, you’re welcome! Thank us in the comments or via PayPal.
If theses tips don’t work, your child is weird dude. And maybe you are too.
Just sayin’.~

eddie wrote:TOP TEN ACTIVITIES FOR BORED PARENTS AND THEIR KIDS!



3. You know how kids just love to paint or colour pictures? Buy some paintbrushes and rollers and get them to paint the house! (Free labour, right?)

when my youngest was 2 he could walk (very late starter) but not only did he have a habit of blundering into things but he also booted over everything in his path and beyond his path just for the sheer hell of it (some expert in spakkerology declared him autistic when he was about 4). anyhoos we knew that putting up a christmas tree would be a total disaster so we painted a huge one on the wall. we all took part, even the youngest bless him. it was great fun but hubby worked as a painter and decorator and one thing he absolutely hated was painting our own home so it stayed there throughout christmas and january and february and round to the following christmas.....it was still there when we moved out 5 years later. still it made a great conversation starter whenever a stranger came in


4. Fed up of visiting your elderly parents or boring relatives? Well, no one ever thinks a cute kid will lie so simply have them call everyone on your list and make your excuses for you. (And your kids are “keeping in touch”, right?)


done that





~If these tips work, you’re welcome! Thank us in the comments or via PayPal.
If theses tips don’t work, your child is weird dude. And maybe you are too.
Just sayin’.~

we're all weird in this gaff edds

Nice.

Dear Drs J & H,

Please help! I love my wife, she’s a good woman and our life together is perfect, except for one small problem.
She refuses to have “intimate relations” with the lights on.

We’ve been married for almost seven years, and despite my best efforts to convince her she’s beautiful, she still won’t let me see her naked.

I love our “alone time” but I am getting bored of the same routine and I want to be able to get some visual pleasure...if you know what I mean...(I’m blushing a little as I write this).

Please help! I want to be able to enjoy our life together but this is becoming a big problem.

Yours,

In The Dark

***

Dr J says:

Hmmm ... you know I'm married to Dr H, and she sometimes won't do everything I ask her, either. She's feisty that way, and I love it, but sometimes I have to use a little, shall we say, persuasion on her.

So the last time she got all testy and uncooperative, I think I wanted her to do it with me in the middle of a busy intersection. I played along and said fine, then snuck up behind her and did the good ol' choking-'em-out-with-formaldehyde trick.

When she woke up, I'd suspended her by her ankles over a vat of acid by a rope. She realized what I'd done and started screaming, then laughing, of course, because she's Dr H.

That's when I whistled and called her attention to the fact that I was holding the other end of the rope. That shut her up pretty good.

Then I just started mocking and taunting her, saying things like, "Oh, my arm's getting really sore!" and "Bet you wish you'd obeyed me now, don't you, Puddin'?"

She was really defiant, though, kept cursing and screaming, so I ended up having to lower her partly into the acid before she actually gave in. She promised she'd get revenge, though, because I partially burned off one of her forehead tattoos, but I got my little in-public fantasy.

Now I just have to sleep with one eye open.

In your case, it sounds like your wife doesn't see you as the god in her life, and Dr H and I always stress that you and your partner must be one another's god and goddess, presiding over your domain with cruelty, craziness, chaos and ... crap, can't think of another good C word.

Actually I can, and that sounds like what your wife's being.

Anyway, I'm bored of you now. Toddle off and tell your wife pretty-please with sugar on top, because I doubt a worm like you could ever man up.

***

Dr H says:

Dump her. She’s a drag. She’s a drain on your energy and a drain on mine and I don’t even know the b**ch. I hate her. I hate women like her.

You want to see some real women? Women who will let you destroy their vulnerability and beg you for mercy?
Hell yes.

Here’s what Dr J does to me. He will tie me to a concrete pillar while I am completely naked, wearing only my collar of course, in the middle of the freeway, with ropes and leather. He shines a huge spotlight into my face - any passing driver will be maimed by him if they interfere - and he will taunt me mercilessly and abuse my body at his will.

He will take me to the brink of insanity where only death is my sweet release, and then he will untie me and carry me to his car, where he will then caress my flesh until I see heaven.

That’s love, dude. That’s carnage and mayhem and pure sweet bliss when we are soulmates in the darkest, deepest pit of desire.

I will seek my revenge soon after of course, oh yes, but that’s another story, baby-cakes.

Having said all that, you’re a weak-ass pansy-pants and you will never know what it’s like to have a weapon at your throat when you say your wedding vows or the pain of a baseball bat in your groin.

Your ditsy, frilly wife will never feel that cut of a collar biting into her neck at night nor the hot friction of rubber when it burns.

So bore off. Now. I’m done with you.

I would eat you for breakfast while your wife watched.

***

~Drs J & H are a real-life married couple and professional relationship counselors who truly hope their advice leads people to a more satisfying and fulfilling romantic life. Thank them in the comments or via PayPal.~

13 UNLUCKY SIGNS YOUR PARTNER WANTS YOU DEAD!

1) Your coffee tastes funny, and on top of that, you're running really low on weed killer!

2) You wake in the middle of the night and they're standing over you with a tape measure.

3) They keep asking you what songs you'd like at your funeral ... and you're both in your twenties.

4) They've suddenly come down with a rare disorder they tell you is called "night strangling."

5) Their best friend suddenly seems reluctant to leave the two of you alone together. And tells you to buy pepper spray.

6) They keep "forgetting" you have a nut allergy and "losing" your EpiPen.

7) They tell you they'll take you skydiving, but only if they get to pack your parachute.

8.) You tell them you want to take a vacation on your own. They tell you they've actually heard Syria is beautiful this time of year.

9) You keep finding marbles at the top of the stairs. You don't have children.

10) They want you to help them with their new hobby. It's knife-throwing, dude.

11) They give you a shopping list that includes rubber gloves, plastic bags, and a chain saw.

12) They always refer to you in the past tense these days. Oh, and they've cut your face out of every photo.

13) They didn't share this list with you on Facebook.

~We hope you enjoyed this list of warnings, and that you're not too disturbed that the authors are a married couple!~

Dear Top Chef Brit,

Do you ever get like I do, and find yourself nostalgic for the days of yore? I sure do.

I remember a time when I didn't give a hoot about any woman besides my mom, and forget being so obsessed with a British chef who writes a recipe column that I cry myself to sleep every night after drinking half a bottle of whiskey (and one of the big ones, too!)

Back in those days, my mom made me all sorts of delicious snacks, but my very favorite was liverworst and Swiss cheese on rye, with a little spicy mustard.

I'd love to be able to make one of those bad boys for myself, but I'm terrified of knifes, suffocating myself with the plastic bag the bread comes in, and mustard.

Can't you please help a brotha out?

Sorry. I'm really trying to stop trying to sound cool.

Love you obsessively,

Why No Rye for I?

*****

Dear, Why No Rye for I?,

Wow. Days of Yore! That’s like a really, really long time ago before cooking was fashionable! I don’t think they even had recipes back then.

Anyway, I’m so sorry you’re in love with a British chef who doesn’t know you exist! You should tell her because love is a many splendored thing to behold and we all need a little loving...right?

Right!

Anyway, back to this very odd recipe of yours!  I had to google “liverworst” and I have to tell you it’s a kind of sausage. It looks like it may be very strange-tasting because it’s a foreign substance. How about you use a good old-fashioned burger instead? Simply put one in the oven and wait for a while until it’s cooked - it will look brown in colour when it’s ready - and pop that on a cracker and put a chunk of cheese on top. I don’t like the idea of Swiss cheese as I’ve heard it has holes in it and that might be because it’s rotting.  As for mustard, that’s very hot and may upset your tummy so I’d avoid that.

I hope that helps! I tried this recipe myself, without the burger of course because that’s an animal of some kind (yucky!), and it was delish! Cheese and cracker. Mmmmmm....Crunchy-Munchy!

I also hope that the British Chef woman you’re obsessed with will eventually realise you love her.

Hey! I may even know her! Wouldn’t that be just so odd?!

Sincerely, Top Chef Brit.

ASK TEX

~featuring Tex!~

Dear Tex,

I’m an English lady of many years and find myself wondering what to do with my spare time and money. I’ve always wanted to travel and Texas has always appealed to me. I’m looking into visiting some of your wonderful places, like the Stockyards in Fort Worth and the Alamo in San Antonio, for instance.

Can you give me any pointers, and do you think this dear older lady will meet a handsome cowboy, such as yourself?

I love your column, by the way!

Yours,

Itching For A Cowboy

***

Dear Itchin',

You know, I do believe they make a cream for that.

Hoo-howdy but I do make m'self laugh sometimes!

Anyway-howdy, your sitcheation reminds me a little bit of this ol' llama my granddaddy used to keep as a pet on his ranch! Gertrude, we used to call 'er, on account of how she was jist 100 percent pure-D, solid-gold class.

Ceptin' for when she went into heat, that is! Oh, when ol' Gertie went into 'er heat, Katy bar the door, 'specially if you was a male, because boy-hootin'-howdy she'd just back right up to you and start rubbin' you with her hootchie-cootchie. It was right embarrassin'!

Well, one day my ol' grand-pappy-howdy'd just done had a howdy-nuff, so he done gits the garden hose out and ever time ol' Gertie come backin' up like a hay truck, he just sprayed her right square in the ol' dream catcher.

It did drive 'er away, but I'll swear on my little brother's grave, she liked it, too.

Anyhoo, sorry I couldn't be of any more help to ya, ya hear?

But come on down to Texas any ol' time, and we'll set the bed on fire, darlin'!

Adios!

Tex

Love the Banter from you two !

nicko wrote:Love the Banter from you two !

Thank you Nicko! It’s a little game we like playing, give each other a problem and answer as a character.
I bet you like the Drs J&H ones. They’re rather rude

Appreciate your comment though.

My Wife and I have "bantered" like this for years, all my Family know we are joking . Outsiders think it's real !

nicko wrote:My Wife and I have "bantered" like this for years, all my Family know we are joking .   Outsiders think it's real !

Banter is like food to us. In fact, we often go without food just to banter.

"Blow that up your ass"

Is that a thing?
Yup! 
Straight up!!!!  > https://dangerousminds.net/comments/ever_wonder_where_the_expression_blow_smoke_up_your_ass_came_from

AND WE'RE BACK WITH MORE DEBUNKING POPULAR MYTHS!

"You need the hair of the dog." - I tried this. I woke up with a hangover, ate a whole fistful of dog hair, and it did nothing.

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained." - I have this friend who ventures nowhere and he's always gaining weight. Okay, it's actually me.

“Keep it under your hat.” - I reckon a safe with a big old combination lock is the best place to keep anything. Hats can blow off in a very strong wind.

"We threw everything at it but the kitchen sink." - Okay, now throw the kitchen sink at it and see if that solves your problem.

“It rings a bell.” - If you hear a bell ringing you probably have tinnitus.

“It ain’t over till the fat lady sings.” - I have completed a lot of things in my life but I have never had a fat lady serenade me.

“You can’t judge a book by its cover.” - I can if the book is called “One Hundred Ways To Communicate With A Rock”. I ain’t reading that. It’s about talking to rocks, right?

"You should have seen it coming." - I'd prefer to have taken it out to dinner and gotten to know it first, thanks.

"As free as a bird." - Dude, there's building a nest, laying eggs, incubating them, feeding the hatchlings, feeding yourself, watching out for cats ... birds have responsibilities, man.

“Killing two birds with one stone.” - this is only possible if the birds are conjoined twins.

~If you enjoyed these, please thank us profusely in the comments or via PayPal!~

13 UNLUCKY SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE DRINKING TOO MUCH!!!!

* You named your first child Brandy. Dude.

* You can't remember last night, three weeks ago, or 2016.

* You have to have an emergency transfusion to get more blood into your alcohol stream.

* Your shakes have gotten so bad, the batteries died in your vibrator and you didn't even notice.

* You wake up each morning to learn you posted yet another "Greatest Hits of the 80s" soundtrack last night on Facebook.

* You can't even remember what it feels like to get an erection.

* Your exes invite you to lunch ... just to let you know that they understand you're "fine," you're "over them" and don't "need them, or anybody."

* You still haven't "cured the common cold," "run for president," "wrote an amazing song" or any of the other stuff you said you were gonna do when you were drunk.

* You have to stop breastfeeding your newborn because she's getting drunk. Dude.

* You wake up every morning to 15 new texts, all of them saying they "love you too."

* You tell everyone at the pub how you wish you spent more time with your wife. And she's sitting right next to you. And she's drunker than you are.

* You've peed in the closet so many times now that you went ahead and had a plumber put a toilet in there.

* You get so drunk that you think you're funny enough to write comedy lists for Facebook - and you ask people to like and share them!

~If you enjoyed this comedy list, please like it and share it! And thank us in the comments or via PayPal. Or better yet, ship us some whiskey!~