Pure Filth, by Frottery & Fitch

First topic message reminder :

* Mushrooms are the teeth of the earth. When you pull one out, another sprouts up in its place.

* The Big Mac was so named because there was this guy. His name was Mac, and he loved burgers. He ate so many of them that he eventually would tip the scales at 400 pounds. Thus earning the moniker "Big."

* Ever wonder why a cigarette of marijuana is called a "joint"? Well! It's because the first marijuana cigarettes, smoked by the native Peruvians, were made from knee caps. Fun fact -- people smoked them from their own skinned knee caps!

* Like, they were still alive!

I'd ship you a Visa if I could !

nicko wrote:I'd ship you a Visa if I could !

Nicko that’s so sweet.

Dear Drs J & H,

I’m a man who has never really known love. I’ve had many partners - I read your column and you can’t tell me anything I haven’t already tried - and none of them can give me what I really need ... which is depth.

I want a woman who understands my soul, someone who just gets me.

I hope you can help. You two seem to have got it right somehow!

Yours,
Wanting To Go Deep

***

Dr J says:

You've gotten it all wrong, you silly blithering moron. You're a pretender, a poseur. You sicken me.

You think you can go deep by trying what me and Dr H say? By following OUR advice?

Advice never got us anywhere! I would have been a petty thief, and Dr H would have been a mousy psychologist, and we would have been just as miserable and weak as you if we'd listened to anything besides our own dark souls.

If you want to truly go deep, you have to ignore the world and everything you've ever been told, and reach down past all the fear and guilt and UTTER CRAP you've been fed to find that voice inside you that only comes from YOU.

Then you reclaim it as your own, rescue it from the slop that's been shoved down your throat your entire pathetic life, and LISTEN to it.

Now go put on your big-boy pants and do something real for the first time in your life, you wormy little irritant!

***

Dr H says:

Oh, but how deep do you really wanna go, honey bear?

You see, going deep isn’t just about looking into your boo’s eyes. If that’s what you think, you better get yourself down to the Bleakness of Hell real quick ... if you know what I mean.

You wanna go deep, you little prince of a boy? Then put your hands around her throat until she submits, and if she’s the woman for you, she will get you to beg and scream when she’s ready.

But you know, it’s a secret that only some people get.

Hell, yes.

And you ain’t gonna get it, candy cane, cos you gotta ask.

I’m bored of you now.

WINNIE AND WINSTON'S WEEKLY WINE WINNERS!

French Vinyard Blanc de Blanc ($2.99): This fine white comes from a place in France. It has rich undertones of banana and cabbage, and its fruity, mischeivous spirit will remind you of your cousin Stefan.

Best enjoyed with: frozen burgers and peas.

Spanish Vino Rojo de Rojo ($0.99): This red comes from the back yards of rustic Spanish steelworkers who have no sense of smell. Enjoy the deep, intoxicating hint of berries and spearmint gum.

Best enjoyed with: An egg sandwich.

Australian Vintage Dingo Red ($1.99): Distilled from the fruit of the aba aba tree, this creamy red is highlighted by notes of onion and fruity undertones of blood!

Best enjoyed with: Camembert and dog biscuits.

Chilean White Ojo de Crangejo (Eye of the Crab) ($0.49): This has a long finish and remains in the throat long after swallowed. With its fishy undertones of bottom feeders, this feisty pale spirit will remind you of falling down a staircase you didn't realize was there.

Best enjoyed with: Fish paste and mashed potatoes.

Californian Red, Red Wine ($4.99): Although it will set you back a bit, this rare, full-bodied, velvety-smooth, voluptuous wine will take you back to the days of exhaust fumes and long, hot car journeys to fairgrounds that didn't live up to their billing.

Best enjoyed with: Chilled McDonald's French fries and raspberry jam.

Winnie and Winston are experts in both wine-tasting and gourmet foods.

hahahaha loving this. my brother and his wife are keen on wine. i shall print this out and give it to him

gelico wrote:






hahahaha  loving this.  my brother and his wife are keen on wine.  i shall print this out and give it to him

Yep. Be sure to tell them that these people are EXPERTS. Like, proper ones.

THE INVENTION OF BADGERS

So not many people know this, but for the longest time, from the Days of Yore up until it was almost Yesteryear, Germany had no human inhabitants whatsoever.

Instead, the country was run by furry animals, the only surviving species of which is the badger.

How the other animals came to die out, leaving only the badgers, is a thrilling tale that you'll want to hold onto your butt for because you're about to read it.

So, being animals, the animals that ran Germany didn't have a bunch of fancy names for things and basically just growled at one another to communicate. "Grrrr," one would say to the other, and the other would go upstairs to turn off the fairy lights and tell Alexa to play Disney songs in the child's bedroom.

"Grrr," the other would say to the one, and the one would pour out some whiskey or maybe some French Vineyard Blanc De Blanc.

Then maybe the one would start kissing and touching up on the other.

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr," the other would say.

Anyway!

As is the case in so many tragic tales, at first, the animals that ran Germany (or "Grrrmany," as the animals called it, for there were "many" animals there and they all said "grrr") lived in harmony as one in peace. But then somebody, I believe his name was Grrr, noticed that some of the animals were complete little shits.

These particular animals would hunt all the food, dig all the burrows, defecate in all the latrines and drink water, which was all somehow fatal to the rest of the animals. Those poor creatures began dying out at a frighteningly break-neck rate of acceleration. They hated their oppressors and began to fight against them, though it was all in vain, obviously, because today they're all dead.

They also gave themselves a name -- "Good-grrs." That was to distinguish themselves from the little shits who were guzzling water, stuffing their fat faces with all the food, and shitting all over the place, who were dubbed "Bad-grrs."

The "Good-grrrs," well, they finally all died out. But to this very second, we still have among our midst the "Bad-grrrs," or as we now call them -- "badgers."

The road to Damascus...….. 
Who the F. came up with that one & what's it all about?

The meaning is supposed to be a moment of sudden clarity? - well it's a blooming long way to go, for the privilege, just saying.

Jules wrote:The road to Damascus...….. 
Who the F. came up with that one & what's it all about?

The meaning is supposed to be a moment of sudden clarity? - well it's a blooming long way to go, for the privilege, just saying.

Hahaha, that's a good one -- maybe we'll research that! In the meantime, here's some new frotteries:

TOP TEN TIPS FOR HOPELESS DRUG ADDICTS!

Keep reminding yourself, it's not really gay sex if you're getting paid for it.

Scamming the elderly is not only ridiculously easy, it's practically a legitimate industry these days. And it's fun!

Tell everyone who knows about your addiction that you're writing a novel. They'll see you as a "tortured artist" rather than a "stinky junk fiend."

Don't be too ashamed if you need a fix as soon as you wake up. It's always crack o'clock somewhere!

You can free up money for your next fix and declutter your life at the same time! Do you really need cable TV? A car? Every single one of your children?

Don’t be ashamed to barter for your cocktail of highs! Drug dealers will respect you as a “classy” crack head rather than a desperate one and you may get a better deal.

If you wake up in a stranger’s bed, always remember: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t robbed yet!

When your friends and family have finally turned their backs on you, keep telling yourself that they’ve run out of money to give you so...who really cares anyway?

Tell your kids that you’re “discovering yourself”. Kids will believe any bullshit you tell them.

Remember! Drugs are a man’s best friend. Especially when your dog has left you.

I have been having trouble with premature ejaculation.

My wife has been very understanding..At first she took it on the chin.

But more recently, it's really been getting on her tits

TOP 10 MONEY-SAVING TIPS FOR AROUND THE HOME!!!!!!

* Transform your refigerator into a handy extra cupboard by simply turning off the power!

* Instead of throwing out fruit that's gone off, use it to make booze - like they do in prison!

* Has your car finally died? Just push it into the back yard, and voila - greenhouse!

* Want to save on home heating? Simply burn those bills you don’t want to pay and destroy the evidence that you owe anything!

* Dirty utensils? Don’t waste time or water washing them up, simply have your dog lick them clean. You’ll also save on dog treats!

* Tired of entertaining? Have one of your kids email all your friends and family that you've died, and presto - no more unwanted visitors!

* Next time you replace your carpets, be clever - install your old carpeting in the back garden! You'll never have to mow again!

* Tired of dusting? Simply cover everything in bubble wrap! It's safer for the children, plus think of the fun you'll have rolling over in bed!

* Another tip to save water and time - shower fully clothed! Hey presto, clean laundry AND a clean you!

* Think you lack the spare room to list your home on Air BnB? Just advertise your shoe cupboard - midgets only!

~As always, thank us in the comments or via PayPal!~