Top Tips

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:32 pm

Eradicate bird flu by putting a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse into your birdbath water. Obviously, you'd have to put Nightnurse in the bird baths for owls.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:32 pm

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:32 pm

SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:33 pm

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:34 pm

HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:34 pm

PHILANDERERS: Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with girls who have the same name as your wife.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:35 pm

SINGLE MEN: Fool folk into thinking you've got a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with loads of bags

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:36 pm

RECREATE that ‘sat in the audience at a Jeremy Kyle show’ feeling by sitting in the order collection area at Argos.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:37 pm

EXPERIENCE the thrill of a school reunion by simply lying to a room full of strangers about your disappointingly sad life.

by Ben Reilly Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:37 pm

These are hilarious Smile

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:37 pm

NEW PARENTS. Up to the age of around 4, kids don’t really know it’s their birthday unless you tell them. Save your money.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:38 pm

RECREATE the thrill of writing a blog by screaming your deepest, most profound thoughts into the dark, uncaring, night sky.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:39 pm

RECREATE the festive cheer of a glass of mulled wine from a pub by microwaving a glass of Ribena mixed with Listerine.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:40 pm

DOG OWNERS. Make shouting for your dogs on walks through the woods more fun by calling them “Mr Lover Man” and “Shabba”.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:40 pm

GET instant pain relief after stubbing your toe by hopping on one leg and shouting 'FUCKING BASTARD' repeatedly.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:41 pm

ASSESS the ‘banter’ potential of your new workplace by shouting “Morning wankers!” as you walk in on your first day.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:42 pm

NOT MUCH going on in your life? Feeling a bit needy? Simply tag yourself 'at A&E' on Facebook, then never say why.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:42 pm

EMITTING a silent fart when opening a Dairylea Triangle will convince dinner guests it's an expensive French cheese.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:44 pm

RECREATE the joy of having teenage kids by talking to brick walls and giving lots of money to people who think you're an idiot.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:45 pm

FIND out if you are ready for cat ownership by knocking everything you own on the floor and taking a piss in your shoes.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:46 pm

TRICK people into thinking you're a time-traveller by buying clothes in Middlesbrough.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:47 pm

SAVE money on expensive Calzone by folding a pizza in half & not being such a ponce.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:49 pm

FOOL your smart watch into thinking you've run 3 km by having a wank.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:50 pm

GIVE your tweets an Australian accent with a strategically placed punctuation mark?

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:56 pm

MUMS Run out of Xmas wrapping paper? Simply convert birthday wrapping paper by adding 'Jesus' after Happy Birthday!

by Syl Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:59 pm

Lol HT....brilliant. Razz

by eddie Thu Mar 31, 2016 7:01 pm

THESE ARE BRILLIANT!!

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:18 pm

TAKE a tip from drug dealers. Make your eggnog go further at Christmastime but 'cutting' it with magnolia emulsion.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:19 pm

AN ideal but inexpensive Christmas gift for the smoker is a novelty cigarette lighter made from a housebrick with a match tied to it on a bit of string!

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:25 pm

HUSBANDS. Cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, reverse up the aisle, then get into your car and fuck off!

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:26 pm

SMOKERS. When non smokers visit your house, make them stand outside in the cold while you have a fag.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:28 pm

FITNESS INSTRUCTORS. Help fat people do sit ups by tying scotch eggs to their shoes.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:29 pm

GENTS. Give yourself a tidy swagger by wearing only one shoe!

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:31 pm

WHEN visiting a Moto Service Station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange a bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills thereby save time and embarrassment.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:34 pm

MAKE choosing lottery numbers fun for the whole family. Write the numbers 1 to 60 on sweetcorn then eat with your tea, then see which six come out first. Be sure to underline 6 and 9 and use indelible ink!

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:37 pm

DIY ENTHUSIASTS. Make your approach more professional by starting three days late, wearing ill fitting trousers and shaking your head at regular intervals!

by nicko Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:42 pm

Brilliant!

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:17 pm

PARSNIP lovers. Save money by boiling cheaper carrots in bleach

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:18 pm

HELP to teach kids about Government by taking all their sweets off them and telling them to fuck off.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:21 pm

Make your own cherry tomatoes by watering beefsteak tomato plants with bonsai feed.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:30 pm

CREATE your own jogging pants by snipping the feet off a pair of tights and emptying the contents of a Hoover bag down the insides.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:32 pm

DON'T shell out high prices for vibrators. Simply put an angry wasp in a cigar tube.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:33 pm

HUSBANDS: Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply weeing in the sink.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:34 pm

LADIES! When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:38 pm

MEN. Avoid that awkward air trap in the end of a condom by popping a little pin hole in the end

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:38 pm

GET AWAY with fly-tipping by leaving your junk outside charity shops. Top it off with an old board game for authenticity.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:39 pm

SICK of your girlfriend giving you blowjobs? Simply marry her and say goodbye to oral sex misery.

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:40 pm

TRAIN COMPANIES. Simply suffix your train times with '-ish' to avoid so many complaints

by Cass Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:40 pm

by HoratioTarr Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:41 pm

DEAF PEOPLE. Take advantage of the situation by buying an N-Dubz album

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