Joke Thread

[Lurker]

First topic message reminder :

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too

much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and the lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come off so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "Oh I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[Guest]

@DR
RACIST  that is New Zealanders.  

Over here it's a joke about the Welsh and some find it deeply offensive Veya

[veya_victaous]

Leonidas: Tonight, we dine in HELL!

Hell’s Kitchen: OK, a reservation for how many?

Leonidas: 300

Hell’s Kitchen: 300? This is madness!

Leonidas: Madness? THIS… IS… SPARTA!!!

[Ben Reilly]

Oh god, those Sparta videos always leave me sore with laughter ...

10-hour mega-mix:

[Lurker]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[Guest]

We always say if the fire engine hadn't gone past! Old but good LOL

[Lurker]

What's the difference between a lot lizard and a drug dealer!........The lot lizard can wash her crack and re-sell it!

(a lot lizard is a truck stop prostitute)

[Lurker]

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!" The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Wow, I never saw anybody drink that fast." The man says, "well you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have." The bartender says " Oh my god, what is it? What do you have?"
The man looks at him and says " Fifty cents."

[Guest]

::smthg:: ::smthg:: ::smthg:: ::smthg:: 

Have to tell OH that!

[Lurker]

Wife: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off.
Husband: I was, but I didn’t know it at the time.

[Ben Reilly]

Wife: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off.
Husband: I was, but I didn’t know it at the time.

 :-:cawg:-: :-:cawg:-: :-:cawg:-: :-:cawg:-: :-:cawg:-: 

A man is trying to impress his family by learning magic tricks. He studies for weeks, then finally calls everyone together to see his first trick.

Taking off his top hat, he mysteriously produces a large, heavy hammer that couldn't possibly have fit inside. He then proceeds to strike himself in the forehead with it, losing consciousness.

His family rushes him to the hospital, where they eventually learn that his prognosis is bad -- he's actually put himself into a coma, and the doctors aren't sure he'll ever come out of it.

Weeks pass, but his family is at his bedside every day, day after endless day, worrying, hoping and praying that he'll someday wake up.

One day, a nurse is tending to one of his IV bags when she notices the man's eyelids flutter. She excitedly calls his family, sleeping in the hospital lobby, into the room, to his bedside.

They gather around him, full of anticipation. Suddenly he opens his eyes and says:

"TA-DA!!!!"

[Guest]

Wife: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off.
Husband: I was, but I didn’t know it at the time.

 :-:cawg:-: :-:cawg:-: :-:cawg:-: :-:cawg:-: :-:cawg:-: 

A man is trying to impress his family by learning magic tricks. He studies for weeks, then finally calls everyone together to see his first trick.

Taking off his top hat, he mysteriously produces a large, heavy hammer that couldn't possibly have fit inside. He then proceeds to strike himself in the forehead with it, losing consciousness.

His family rushes him to the hospital, where they eventually learn that his prognosis is bad -- he's actually put himself into a coma, and the doctors aren't sure he'll ever come out of it.

Weeks pass, but his family is at his bedside every day, day after endless day, worrying, hoping and praying that he'll someday wake up.

One day, a nurse is tending to one of his IV bags when she notices the man's eyelids flutter. She excitedly calls his family, sleeping in the hospital lobby, into the room, to his bedside.

They gather around him, full of anticipation. Suddenly he opens his eyes and says:

"TA-DA!!!!"

and for his next trick?

[Lurker]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

[Guest]

::smthg:: ::smthg:: ::smthg:: ::smthg:: 

That's brilliant, have to tell it to OH when he gets home!

[Lurker]

Two little old ladies are outside their nursing home having a drink and a smoke when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Maude: What in hell is that! Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (after all - she's 80 yrs old) and asks her what brand of condoms she prefers, to which Maude replies - "Doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel. The pharmacist fainted.

[Guest]

Two little old ladies are outside their nursing home having a drink and a smoke when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Maude: What in hell is that! Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (after all - she's 80 yrs old) and asks her what brand of condoms she prefers, to which Maude replies - "Doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel. The pharmacist fainted.

Brilliant Lurker!!!

[Lurker]

The last two I got on Stretchman's FB page. LOL

[Lurker]

A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on US 301 about 2 miles south of the Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Emporia. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”

[Sponsored content]