Joke Thread

[Lurker]

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too

much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and the lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come off so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "Oh I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[Lurker]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once
said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff
had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . ..
Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't
expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.73% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other
parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with
the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise
my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the
second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, But she left
me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of
invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without
enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're
in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having
enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness
pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, sogood.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have
to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get
sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to
death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, I couldn't repair your
brakes, so I made your horn louder.

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for
your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got
tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional
to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there
is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time
you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your
body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory;
some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
not for you.


And the all-time favorite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light,
would your headlights work?

[Ben Reilly]

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness
pays off now.

I'm wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with that slogan right now!

[DrSchool]

I love Stephen Wright.

Here are some of my favorites from him that weren't in your list,

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

[DrSchool]

A balding man asked his barber how to grow more hair and the barber said "female juices". The man said to the barber, "But I can't help but notice you are bald" The barber replied "Yeah, but I've got one hell of a mustache"

[Lurker]

Recently in the children's Sunday School "Sharing Time" at church, the adult leader asked the children:


Adult: Who can tell me what "resurrection" is?

(Several children raise their hands. Adult leader calls on 7-year-old.)

7-year-old: If you have it for more than four hours, you gotta go to the doctor.

[Lurker]

http://pressf1.pcworld.co.nz/showthread.php?127322-Department-Of-Homeland-Security-Airport-Screening-Results

[DrSchool]

Ha ha lurker...I haven't been checked at airport security for many years. One of the perks of living in Asia is ease of travel. America is one of the most obnoxious and ridiculous countries when it comes to air travel, convenience of travel, and public transportation. They're devolving instead of evolving.



Whats the difference between a politician and a pedophile?

A politician doesn't keep pictures of the little people he fucks.


What do politicians use for birth control?

Their personalities.



What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead politician in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.




A mother finds an S&M magazine in her son's room and she shows it to the father and asks what they should do. The father replies, "I don't know but spanking is out of the picture"


Prince Charles was driving his car and ran over his mother's dog. When he got out of the car, he saw a magic lamp and rubbed it. A genie appeared and said Charles had one wish. Charles wished that his mother's dog was still alive so she wouldn't be super angry at him. The Genie said, "Sorry, that dog is super flat, even I can't fix that dog, is there anything else you want?" So Charles said, "Sure, can you make my wife Camilla beautiful and well liked?" The genie answered, "Lets take another look at your mother's dead dog"

[Lurker]

https://2img.net/h/i70.photobucket.com/albums/i111/Lurker61/MusicianJoke_zps7dd6a517.jpg

[Ben Reilly]

OUCH.

A priest wakes up one morning horribly sick, and frantically searches for someone to fill in for him in the confessional. The only person who isn't too busy is his friend, the rabbi.

"It's easy," the priest says over the phone. "Just tell them to do one Hail Mary for telling lies, two Hail Marys for stealing," and so on. He takes dose of strong flu medicine and falls asleep.

Only to be woken a few hours later by a call from the rabbi. "I need your help, Father," the rabbi says. "I'm in the confessional and a lady just confessed to something you didn't cover. What do you give for oral sex?"

The groggy priest replied, "Cookies and a juice box."

[DrSchool]

Ha Ha. Nice one..I'll remember that one Ben. It reminds me of this one. "Why is the Catholic Church so against abortion? Because it means less children to molest"

Lurker, I don't think I'll be able to remember that musician one by heart, but I'll post it on my FB (which half of my friends will make fun of me for being nerdy and the other half are as nerdy as I am and will appreciate it)

[DrSchool]

https://imgur.com/gallery/rmQmH



I found this one very amusing. I still chuckle (or I guess these days that is called a lol) when I see it.

[Ben Reilly]

That one's funny! I laughed "OL." Or perhaps elled oh loud.

[DrSchool]

This one is for all my Aussies out there:

How do Aussies practice safe sex?

They brand the sheep that kick.

[DrSchool]

Putin calls up Obama and says, "We have a major emergency! Our largest condom factory exploded and we have a serious condom shortage. Please send us 10 million condoms, but please make sure they are all 10" long and 4" wide"
So Obama gets on the phone with Durex and tells them, "Ship 10 million condoms to Russia, make sure they are 10" long and 4" wide, and be sure to print "Made in the USA- Size Medium" on each condom.

[veya_victaous]

@DR
RACIST that is New Zealanders.

[Ben Reilly]

An Aussie on holiday in New Zealand is walking past a sheep ranch when he sees a Kiwi making passionate love to a sheep.

"Y'know, mate, in Oz we just shear those!" the Australian calls out.

To which the Kiwi responds, "I ain't shearin' this one with anybody!"

[DrSchool]

Oh yeah, sorry, my bad. All you guys look the same.

[DrSchool]

Two recent Afghani immigrants to Australia were talking and agreed to meet back up in 4 years to see how they were both adjusting to life there. 4 years go by and the two meet up. First one says, Im fitting in well, We have integrated so well...yesterday, I ate a meat pie and drank a VB while watching my son play Aussie rules" the other one replies, "f*ck off towel head"

[DrSchool]

Whats the difference between a golf ball and a gspot? Aussie men will search for a golf ball. (My Aussie friend told me that one but you can replace Aussie with any nationality)

[Lurker]

RETIREE HEALTH MESSAGE
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's butt. It's the tortoise life for me!

1.. If walking was good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it can live for more than 150 years. And, you tell me to exercise? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and oatmeal.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, where is it?

6. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????

[veya_victaous]

@Dr
lolz
Anyone into ball sports is gay. and No one ever accused the French of that so It explains why they are so grateful

the Afghani one is good, they both pass with flying colours
the first knows VB is the national beer not Fostors, the second knows how to say 'hello' in the local venacular

[Ben Reilly]

This is diabolical, I love it!

[Ben Reilly]

Just wanted to take a stab at translating Dr School's joke into Texan:

Two recent Iraqi immigrants to Texas were talking and agreed to meet back up in 4 years to see how they were both adjusting to life there. 4 years go by and the two meet up. First one says, Im fitting in well, ...yesterday, I ate nachos and drank a Dr Pepper while watching my son play high-school football!" the other one replies, "go back where yew came from, terrorist!"

[Ben Reilly]

A farmer is doing his best to raise his three teenage daughters, and he always greets their dates with a shotgun so they know he means business.

One night, all three girls are going out. The first suitor arrives and knocks at the door:

"Hi, I'm Joe; I'm here for Flo. We're going to see a show, is she ready to go?"

The second fellow arrives shortly after. "Hey, I'm Eddie, I'm picking up Betty. We're getting spaghetti; is she ready?"

Finally, the third guy arrives. "Hello, I'm Chuck --"

And the farmer shot him.

[Lurker]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Lurker]

ROFLMAO:

https://fbcdn-photos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/603072_10201019336499856_1004187840_n.jpg

[Lurker]

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, my! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

[Lurker]

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services
are consistently packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that.... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.

[Lurker]

QOTD: “Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure” –Fred Allen

[Lurker]

This one made me laugh today: (from my Air Force group)


"My father was a very modest man. All his life he stedfastly refused to take any credit for the fact that on the day he was drafted into the Army in WWI, the Germans surrendered.

Ed Ririe
S/Sgt 769th AC&W"

[Lurker]

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.

Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

[Lurker]

~Irish Viagra~

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’.  It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’

It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!  T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’

‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor…

‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye
and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!  With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!  It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’

‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’

‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years!  But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

[Ben Reilly]

Sorry I haven't been responding, these are all really funny    

[veya_victaous]

^^Yes
Much enjoyed Lurker     

[Lurker]

Rectum Stretcher

While she was ‘flying’ down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, ‘What’s your hurry?’
To which she replied, ‘I’m late for work.’
‘Oh yeah,’ said the cop, ‘what do you do?’
‘I’m a rectum stretcher,’ she responded.
The cop stammered, ‘A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?’
‘Well,’ she said, ‘I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.’
‘And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ‘ he asked.
‘You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…’

[Ben Reilly]

[Lurker]

I laughed my butt off at these wedding announcements:


http://littlewhitelion.com/18-couples-with-hilarious-name-combinations-48333/

[Guest]

Why didn't Blitzen and Rudolf sell on Ebay?


Because they were too dear.

[Ben Reilly]

Haha! A photon checks into a hotel and the concierge says, "Can I take your bags?"

The photon replies, "No need -- I'm traveling light."

[Guest]

Oh My, just spent time reading those and I'm in stitches. Brilliant jokes all!

[Lurker]

(Thanks to Stretch Man for this joke:)

TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International
Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule
and a calculator



At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the
notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and
sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and
'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow----

[Lurker]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[Guest]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[Ben Reilly]

Oldie but goody:

An old Scotsman is sitting with a younger Scottish gentleman and says to the boy, "Ah, lad, look out that window. You see that stone wall there? I built it with me own bare hands, placed every stone meself. But do they call me MacGregor the wall-builder? No."

He takes a few sips of his beer then says, "Aye, and look out on that lake and that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail, but do they call me MacGregor the pier-builder? No."

He continues: "And lad, you see that road? That, too, I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call me MacGregor the road-builder? No!"

Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, then says; "Aye, but you fuck one goat, and you're MacGregor the goat-fucker for life!"

[Guest]

Oldie but goody:

An old Scotsman is sitting with a younger Scottish gentleman and says to the boy, "Ah, lad, look out that window. You see that stone wall there? I built it with me own bare hands, placed every stone meself. But do they call me MacGregor the wall-builder? No."

He takes a few sips of his beer then says, "Aye, and look out on that lake and that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail, but do they call me MacGregor the pier-builder? No."

He continues: "And lad, you see that road? That, too, I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call me MacGregor the road-builder? No!"

Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, then says; "Aye, but you fuck one goat, and you're MacGregor the goat-fucker for life!"

BEN!!!!! x

Veterans of Electric Sky (ES) forum will recall Sheepshagginggate   Maybe now we'll have Goatshagginggate with the Scottish

[Lurker]

[Guest]

Oldie but goody:

An old Scotsman is sitting with a younger Scottish gentleman and says to the boy, "Ah, lad, look out that window. You see that stone wall there? I built it with me own bare hands, placed every stone meself. But do they call me MacGregor the wall-builder? No."

He takes a few sips of his beer then says, "Aye, and look out on that lake and that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail, but do they call me MacGregor the pier-builder? No."

He continues: "And lad, you see that road? That, too, I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call me MacGregor the road-builder? No!"

Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, then says; "Aye, but you fuck one goat, and you're MacGregor the goat-fucker for life!"

BEN!!!!! x

Veterans of Electric Sky (ES) forum will recall Sheepshagginggate   Maybe now we'll have Goatshagginggate with the Scottish

You mean when nems got banned for insulting the national pride of green welly land??? ://?roflmao?/: 

[Lurker]

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear,… if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of Chicken 2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

[Ben Reilly]

Awesome! I think some of our non-American friends will miss some of the references though ...

In honor of St. Patrick's Day (yeah, I'm celebrating tomorrow, I'll likely be off most of the day), here's my favorite Irish joke:

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar, and one said to the other:

"I couldn't help overhearing when you ordered your beer. From the sound of ya, I'm thinking that you're from Mother Ireland."

"Yes, that I am," said the other guy.

"And where about in Ireland might you be from?" asked the first Irishman.

"I'm from Dublin, I am," said the second guy.

"Sure and begorrah, and so am I," said the first guy.

"And on what street did you live in Dublin?" asked the guy on the left.

"A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old part of town," answered the guy sitting on the right.

"Faith and it's a small world. So did I. And to what school would you have been going?" asked the first guy.

"I went to St. Mary's, of course, and graduated in 1964," answered the second guy.

"Lord be with us, I, too, graduated St. Mary's in 1964," said the first guy. "The good Lord must be smiling down upon us. I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight."

Just then, another fellow walked in, took a stool at the other end of the bar and ordered a beer.

Beer in hand, the bartender walked over to the new customer, muttering, "It's going to be a long night tonight. The Murphy twins are drunk again."

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