Joke of the day

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St Peter, He says " sisters, you have all led such exemplary lives that the lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.The first nun says, " I want to be Sophia Loren" and poof she is gone.The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she is gone.The third says " I want to be Sara Pipilini.St Peter looks perplexed. "Who" he asked."Sara Pipilini " replies the nun.St Peter shakes his head and says " I am sorry but that name does not ring a bell"The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing, he hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says " it was the Sahara pipeline that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months". 

 ://?roflmao?/: ://?roflmao?/: ://?roflmao?/: 

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for
their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the
order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man
reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come
again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and
pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order
and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to
always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When
I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
to pay for anything, I would just put my hand
in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
would ask for a Million Dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as
long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second
wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long
legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Lurker wrote:A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for
their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the
order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man
reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come
again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and
pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order
and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to
always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When
I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
to pay for anything, I would just put my hand
in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
would ask for a Million Dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as
long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second
wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long
legs who agrees with everything I say.."

I've heard that joke before but it wasn't an ostrich it was a twelve inch pianist.

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the HECK would you say?"

Awesome, Lurker! Context matters

A woman hasn't had any attention from her husband in years -- but still, he warns her, if she ever cheats on him, he'll pull every hair out of her scalp. One day, when he's off on one of his many business trips, she approaches a homeless man and asks, "Will you come home with me?"

"For a quarter," the man says.

She pays him, takes him home and asks, "Will you come into my bedroom?"

"For a quarter," he says.

Again paying him, she gets him into her bedroom. "Will you get into bed with me?" she asks.

"For a quarter," he replies.

She pays him again, and asks, "Will you make passionate love to me?" "For a quarter," he says.

In the middle of their lovemaking, the husband returns unexpectedly and the homeless man dashes into the closet. The husband, realizing his wife has been cheating on him, begins plucking hairs from his wife's scalp, but soon finds one he can't pull one of them out no matter how hard he tries.

"Come out of there, you hairy son of a bitch!" he exclaims.

"For a quarter," the homeless man replies.

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS! Part I

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with
a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's
shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition
for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is
outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain', and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have
to tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do
the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says… And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,
in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table and makes love to her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties,
and makes love to her every which way but loose right there on the dinner
table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from
ear to ear. But still....Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted.
I'll DO THE DISHES!!!

Words of wisdom from my buddy stretchman:

"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . . it's women who make it hard."

Oh, that next-to-last one was wicked!  ://?roflmao?/: ://?roflmao?/: 

A man sidles up next to a pretty woman at the bar. "I'll buy you a drink if you celebrate with me!" he declares.

She accepts. "So what are we celebrating?"

"I got out of jail today." Seeing the look on her face, he says, "No, don't get me wrong, I didn't actually do anything. It's the sheriff, he's a total fucking idiot -- completely incompetent. In fact, I think he's probably mentally retarded."

"Do you know who I am?" asks the woman, clearly offended. "I'm the sheriff's daughter!"

The man sits down his beer. "Do you know who I am?" he asks? "No," the woman replies.

"Great!" the man says, and quickly runs away.

Joe is sitting on the toilet in a public restroom when the guy in the next stall over says, "Hey, how are things going?"

"Um, fine, I guess," Joe says, embarrassed.

"So what are you up to?" the guy in the next stall asks.

"Well, isn't it obvious?" Joe replies.

"Well, how about I come over?" the other guy asks.

"I'd really rather you not!" Joe says.

The guy in the next stall says, "Look, I'm going to have to call you back -- this idiot here keeps answering everything I say."

Lurker wrote:Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with
a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's
shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition
for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is
outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain', and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have
to tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do
the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says… And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,
in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table and makes love to her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties,
and makes love to her every which way but loose right there on the dinner
table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from
ear to ear. But still....Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted.
I'll DO THE DISHES!!!

  Handy Andy will love that one!

As the bus stopped and it was the girl in the Zipper short dress's turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus..

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little. Thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg she tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the top step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body!  I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was gud friends.'

Another joke from Stretch Man:

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week. And I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, It seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

Lurker wrote:Another joke from Stretch Man:

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week. And I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, It seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

 ::smthg:: 

Original Quill wrote:

A TEXAS LIFT

As the bus stopped and it was the girl in the Zipper short dress's turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus..

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little. Thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg she tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the top step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body!  I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was gud friends.'

Another cracker  ::smthg:: 

feelthelove wrote:

Lurker wrote:Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with
a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's
shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition
for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is
outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain', and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have
to tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do
the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says… And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,
in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table and makes love to her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties,
and makes love to her every which way but loose right there on the dinner
table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from
ear to ear. But still....Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted.
I'll DO THE DISHES!!!

  Handy Andy will love that one!

I did!

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

Lurker wrote:Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

       

Awful ones:

I was going to try to write this with a broken pencil, but that would be pointless.

Did you hear about the guy who shoplifted a calendar? He got 12 months!

If you ever find yourself in a school of fish, do NOT take debate.

It's hard to beat a boiled egg!

Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.

How much you want to bet I could give up gambling?

Lurker, you have the best jokes!!! Keep them coming, my OH loves them.

@Ben! groan, but giggle lol

Did you know that the people of Dubai don't like the Flintones? But Abu Dhabi do.



They've just found a Mummy in Egypt that's covered in chocolate and peanuts.
Apparently he was called Pharoah Rocher.


A white horse walks into a pub and orders a whiskey. The barman says "What a coincidence, we've got a whiskey named after you!" To which the horse replies "Bernard?".


An English Cat and a French cat are always trying to beat each other.
The English cat is called 'one two three', and the French cat is called 'Un Deux Trois'
They decide to have a race to see who is first to swim the channel..
Anyway, the one two three cat won because the Un Deux Trois Cat sank...


Whats pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas in the morning?
Your Mum.

Brilliant guys x

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'   

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's

Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day."  

Bloke goes to his doctor.
"I have a puss filled cyst on my cock", he say.
"Doc examines him and declares that he has an STD.
"That's impossible - I haven't been with a woman for three years" he admits.
Doc thinks for a few seconds.
"Do you masturbate?" asks doc.
"Of course"
"Quickly or slowly?"
"now you mention it, slowly"
"that's your answer - youv'e got a slow hand clap!!"

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie, spinning yarns and sharing "possibles" with the pride for which these men were famous.
It was a night of bravado, and rotgut whiskey; a night of tall tales and reminiscence.
Frank, the hand from Wyoming spoke, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."
Snake River Ben, from West Texas , couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 12 foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head and sucked the poison down in one gulp. Didn't even get a belly ache."
While the others were busy running their mouths, old redneck Bill, the cowboy from NM. , just remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

The doorbell rings. The lady of the house answers the front door to find a man with a toolbox standing on her porch.
"May I help you?" she asks.
"I'm the piano tuner," he replies.
"But I didn't send for a piano tuner," she exclaims.
"No," he says. "Your neighbors did."

Lurker wrote:The doorbell rings. The lady of the house answers the front door to find a man with a toolbox standing on her porch.
"May I help you?" she asks.
"I'm the piano tuner," he replies.
"But I didn't send for a piano tuner," she exclaims.
"No," he says. "Your neighbors did."

My OH loves your jokes Lurker, I always relay them on, keep 'em coming.      

Lurker wrote:Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie, spinning yarns and sharing "possibles" with the pride for which these men were famous.
It was a night of bravado, and rotgut whiskey; a night of tall tales and reminiscence.
Frank, the hand from Wyoming spoke, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."
Snake River Ben, from West Texas , couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 12 foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head and sucked the poison down in one gulp. Didn't even get a belly ache."
While the others were busy running their mouths, old redneck Bill, the cowboy from NM. , just remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

Ouch!

One truck driver was doing his usual load delivery at a mental hospital, by parking his vehicle beside an open drain. He discovered a flat Tyre when he was about to return from the mental hospital.He jacked up the truck and removed the flat Tyre to fix the spare Tyre.

When he was about to fix the spare Tyre, he accidentally dropped all the 4 bolts in the open drain. As he cannot fish the bolts in the open drain, he started to panic as to what should be done?

Just then, one patient happened to walk past him and asked the driver as to why he was looking troubled. The driver thought to himself, since there is nothing much he can do or this mental joker can.Just to keep the bugging away, the truck driver informed the whole episode to the mental patient and gave a helpless look.

The patient just laughed at the truck driver and said you just cannot even fix such a simple problem? "No wonder you are destined to remain a truck driver for life".

The truck driver was astonished to hear such a compliment from a mental guy. "Here is what you can do" said the mental guy... "take one bolt from each of the remaining 3 Tyre / wheels and fix it on to this Tyre. Then drive down to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones. Isn't it simple my friend".

The truck driver was so impressed with this quick fix answer and asked the patient "How come you are so smart and intelligent and you are here at the mental hospital?" The patient replied "Hello friend! I stay here because I am crazy but not stupid".

I really, really like that one, and ain't it the truth!!

Trying to set a password


WINDOWS: Please enter your new password:


USER: “cabbage”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.


USER: “boiled cabbage”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.


USER: “1 boiled cabbage”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.


USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.



USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.



USER:50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!”



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.



USER:ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”



WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Original Quill wrote:

Trying to set a password


WINDOWS: Please enter your new password:


USER: “cabbage”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.


USER: “boiled cabbage”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.


USER: “1 boiled cabbage”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.


USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.



USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.



USER:50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!”



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.



USER:ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”



WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

I had a very similar issue yesterday Quill, hope you're well   x

Two buckets of spew walking down the road.
One starts crying.
"what are you crying for ?" asks one.

"I was brought up around here!"

Handy Andy wrote:Two buckets of spew walking down the road.
One starts crying.
"what are you crying for ?" asks one.

"I was brought up around here!"

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went to the chemist to correct my prescription viagra.
I was told they had run out, and offered me the generic brand - Mycoxathrobbyn.

Evolution of man explained

Original Quill wrote:

How cute!   x

Skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him . He looks down at the Irishman and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"
The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................ I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"
The little white Irishman says:
"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around!"

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me.
Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robe, perhaps?
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.

Lurker  

Lurker wrote:Skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him . He looks down at the Irishman and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"
The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................ I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"
The little white Irishman says:
"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around!"

Could be worse. What if his name was Ben Dover?

HELL EXPLAINED
BY A U of A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
 
The following is an actual question given on a  University   of Arizona  chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :  

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?  

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:  

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

 Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:  

 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?  

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Watts during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God, Oh my God...'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

One day Sheriff Buford sneaks up on the fishing hole and sees two guys fishing. Upon seeing the Sheriff, one of the guys drops his fishing pole and takes off running. The Sheriff pursues, and it takes nearly a mile to run him down. After catching the fisherman, the Sheriff demands to see his fishing license, which the man produces.

Everything is in order, and the Sheriff says, "Boy, you about the stupidest man in the county. Why did you run when you got your license right here?"

The fisherman says, "I got a license, but my buddy don't. And you're a mile away from where you last saw him."

@Quill
LOL