“We Honestly Have No Fucking Idea What We’re Doing”, Admits Leading Quantum Physicist

THEORETICAL Quantum Physicist Dr. Amit Goswami admitted today that he, and his peers, have absolutely ‘no fucking idea’ what they’re doing, and claims they were no nearer than prehistoric man to figuring out the Universe.

“We have been just winging it to tell you the truth,” explained the 78-year-old in an exclusive interview with WWN. “Seriously, I haven’t a clue what’s going on. Either does anyone else in my field. We keep proving stuff that never actually happened”.

“Our cover is blown, what can I say? He added.

Dr. Goswami’s comments came after yet another alleged breakthrough in quantum mechanics which claims the universe has existed forever, as opposed to being created by a ‘big bang’.

“Over the years there have been just a handful of us pretending to know something about the universe that no one else does,” he went on. “But this is all lies to feed the charade. I’ve had some great times during the years; travelling the world, and giving talks on our pretend finds”.

When asked how he got away with it for so long, he replied: “I found out a long time ago that everything can be proven with a mathematical equation. Now, I mean everything; from unicorns, fire-breathing dragons, God and even the G-spot. None of it is true. Me and the handful that know the truth have been riding the Quantum Physicist celebrity wave for quite some time now, but it must end – before someone gets hurt”.

The University of Oregon professor warned that the European Organisation for Nuclear Research, known as CERN, could potentially wipe out the entire planet if the project is not put to a halt.

“Seriously, when myself, Higgs and Ben (Benjamin Lockspeiser CERN’s first president) first pitched the idea, we never thought it would get funding. It was gonna cost billions for Christs sake,” he recalled. “Fuck knows what the thing does – no one does. Firing particles at each other at the speed of light can’t end well. I’m just worried now we took the joke too far”.

Ending the interview, professor Goswami apologised for “spoofing” everybody over the years.

“I’m coming near the end of my days now and I just want to get this off my chest,” he said. “I just hope the world can forgive us”.

http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/2015/02/10/we-honestly-have-no-fucking-idea-what-were-doing-admits-leading-quantum-physicist/


Well, at least he is honest!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

That explains an awful lot!

That's funny, I thought it might be from the Onion or something.

Here's another fairly decent one from WWN:

Unfunny & Joyless Overweight Man Struggling With Society’s ‘Jolly’ Expectations

OVERWEIGHT Galway native Martin Ferris is said to be struggling with society’s expectation of him due to his portly exterior, WWN can reveal.

Society had for many years presumed Ferris to be a very jolly and amusing man who was always up for a laugh but Ferris has admitted today that he simply cannot live up to these unrealistic expectations.

“I’ll be honest I’m actually not remotely jolly, I’ve often zero craic. I’m not big on amusing other people just because I’m fat,” explained Ferris.

“I’m aware of the expectations on me and when I was younger, I tried to play up to it. I noticed how well videos of fat people falling over were doing on Youtube but I was never able to do it quite right, I actually just ended up with some bruises,” Ferris explained.

Dammit I was hoping it would be a real article about the gaps in our knowledge.

GOD ALMIGHTY has admitted, for the first time ever, that he is giving serious consideration to switching faiths to Islam.

Long thought to be infallible and omnipotent, God has stated in his tri-millennial address to his Christian followers that he has weighed up his options and thinks it is time for a change.

http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/2015/03/19/god-considering-switch-to-islam/

I'm going to remember that every time some physicist says they have the answer to everything!

@Sass
umm the OP is Satire it is not serious
Mathematics will answer everything eventually. but we are not there yet.

this is why I said I hoped it was serious because there is actually really interesting Gaps in our knowledge, but they are complex enough that most people cannot follow either possibility.
At this point really quantum physics is just putting out possibilities that fit with the very limited measurements we have been able to acquire. A lot of them are based on answers to variable we are unsure of but if it does turn out that the constant they used in the variable is correct then the theory is quite likely correct too.

Realise that Veya, but like all good satire it has an element of truth lol

We really are like fish in a pond trying to describe the planet Jupiter I like it, though. Life wouldn't be fun if all the questions were answered; it's awesome to explore it all and wonder about it. So much better to wonder than have an explanation like, "Well, the sky is blue because Buddha smote the ocean with his trident, causing Apollo to spring full-formed out of Muhammad's forehead ..."