Dilemma.

by Syl Sat Oct 24, 2020 3:07 pm

Just say you strongly suspect the husband of your best friend is cheating on her, or alternatively the wife of your best friend is cheating on him....what would you do...if anything?

by inmyopinion Sat Oct 24, 2020 3:10 pm

Syl wrote:Just say you strongly suspect the husband of your best friend is cheating on her, or alternatively the wife of your best friend is cheating on him....what would you do...if anything?

Be there to help in any way possible. support, friendship, what ever they need.

by Eilzel Sat Oct 24, 2020 3:20 pm

Syl wrote:Just say you strongly suspect the husband of your best friend is cheating on her, or alternatively the wife of your best friend is cheating on him....what would you do...if anything?

I'd try to find out for absolutely sure, and if confirmed, I'd tell them to own up and sort it out, and if they didn't, I'd go to my friend myself.

by Syl Sat Oct 24, 2020 3:44 pm

inmyopinion wrote:
Syl wrote:Just say you strongly suspect the husband of your best friend is cheating on her, or alternatively the wife of your best friend is cheating on him....what would you do...if anything?

Be there to help in any way possible. support, friendship, what ever they need.

They are unaware so they wont need any extra support just now, not unless they find out, and many don't.

by Syl Sat Oct 24, 2020 3:47 pm

Eilzel wrote:
Syl wrote:Just say you strongly suspect the husband of your best friend is cheating on her, or alternatively the wife of your best friend is cheating on him....what would you do...if anything?

I'd try to find out for absolutely sure, and if confirmed, I'd tell them to own up and sort it out, and if they didn't, I'd go to my friend myself.

How would you find out? would you ask suspected cheater outright?...Say you don't know him/her very well, it would be a bold move to confront someone with ...'So fess up, are you having it off with a fancy piece or what'. Razz

by Syl Sat Oct 24, 2020 3:51 pm

I have never been in the position btw, but a very close family member was cheated on, and eventually her and her OH split up over the affair he was having.

I vividly remember her saying..."The wife is always the last to know", because it seemed everyone did know he was carrying on behind her back.

She found out, not because anyone told her, though plenty seemed to know/suspect, she found out because she found a gift he had hidden away that obviously wasn't meant for her.

by Eilzel Sat Oct 24, 2020 4:00 pm

Syl wrote:
Eilzel wrote:
Syl wrote:Just say you strongly suspect the husband of your best friend is cheating on her, or alternatively the wife of your best friend is cheating on him....what would you do...if anything?

I'd try to find out for absolutely sure, and if confirmed, I'd tell them to own up and sort it out, and if they didn't, I'd go to my friend myself.

How would you find out? would you ask suspected cheater outright?...Say you don't know him/her very well, it would be a bold move to confront someone with ...'So fess up, are you having it off with a fancy piece or what'.

I've no idea how I'd find out, but I'd try.

If we are talking best friends here, then I know them well enough to approach them about it.
If not a 'best friend', then I'd probably be more reticent to get involved directly but I'd certainly discuss with other friends.

by Syl Sat Oct 24, 2020 4:16 pm

Eilzel wrote:
Syl wrote:

How would you find out? would you ask suspected cheater outright?...Say you don't know him/her very well, it would be a bold move to confront someone with ...'So fess up, are you having it off with a fancy piece or what'.

I've no idea how I'd find out, but I'd try.

If we are talking best friends here, then I know them well enough to approach them about it.
If not a 'best friend', then I'd probably be more reticent to get involved directly but I'd certainly discuss with other friends.

I suppose it would depend on the friend in a way. Would she appreciate being told (I know I would, then if there was nothing in it no harm done) Not everyone is the same though. That old saying 'Don't shot the messenger' could well be ignored by some.

I think if it was me and I did find out my OH was cheating and my best friend knew something and had said nothing...I wouldn't be happy.

by Eilzel Sat Oct 24, 2020 4:22 pm

Syl wrote:
Eilzel wrote:
Syl wrote:

How would you find out? would you ask suspected cheater outright?...Say you don't know him/her very well, it would be a bold move to confront someone with ...'So fess up, are you having it off with a fancy piece or what'.

I've no idea how I'd find out, but I'd try.

If we are talking best friends here, then I know them well enough to approach them about it.
If not a 'best friend', then I'd probably be more reticent to get involved directly but I'd certainly discuss with other friends.

I suppose it would depend on the friend in a way. Would she appreciate being told (I know I would, then if there was nothing in it no harm done) Not everyone is the same though. That old saying 'Don't shot the messenger' could well be ignored by some.

I think if it was me and I did find out my OH was cheating and my best friend knew something and had said nothing...I wouldn't be happy.

Me neither, and I know my friends wouldn't either. We all have pretty strong feelings toward cheating, especially if it was an ongoing thing. No way I'd keep it to myself, but I'd give the partner a very limited chance to own up before I went to my friend myself.

by Original Quill Sat Oct 24, 2020 5:28 pm

Stay out of it. Like your family member, Syl, they always find out eventually.

You could be in there, comforting and consoling, then they make up and you're the trouble-maker for intervening. In their eyes, they will cement their ever-lasting love by shutting you out. It never fails...no good deed ever goes unpunished.

by Maddog Sat Oct 24, 2020 5:53 pm

Syl wrote:I have never been in the position btw, but a very close family member was cheated on, and eventually her and her OH split up over the affair he was having.

I vividly remember her saying..."The wife is always the last to know", because it seemed everyone did know he was carrying on behind her back.

She found out, not because anyone told her, though plenty seemed to know/suspect, she found out because she found a gift he had hidden away that obviously wasn't meant for her.

Or the wife knows and wants to pretend she doesn't, as it's embarrassing.

There is no right answer I imagine. Some marriages are a little dysfunctional but the family as a whole operates pretty well, including the raising of kids.

My general position on cheating has evolved to just minding my own business. I will tell cheaters not to do it in front of me, because I'm a shitty liar and want no part of it. If you're other half asks me, I'll end up spilling the beans and I resent being dragged into the whole sordid mess.

by Syl Sat Oct 24, 2020 6:09 pm

Original Quill wrote:Stay out of it. Like your family member, Syl, they always find out eventually.

You could be in there, comforting and consoling, then they make up and you're the trouble-maker for intervening. In their eyes, they will cement their ever-lasting love by shutting you out. It never fails...no good deed ever goes unpunished.

Yes they usually find out eventually, but I think the humiliation of not knowing when everyone else seemed to made it somehow worse.

I agree with you that sometimes the person who has spilled the beans is the one who is rebuffed when/if the couple make up.

On a slightly different note...I was always very careful not to drag other parents into my/their sons fights when he was young (there were a couple of exceptions, but only if it was serious)
Kids fight and make up....involve parents and they are usually enemies for life. Laughing

by Syl Sat Oct 24, 2020 6:11 pm

Maddog wrote:
Syl wrote:I have never been in the position btw, but a very close family member was cheated on, and eventually her and her OH split up over the affair he was having.

I vividly remember her saying..."The wife is always the last to know", because it seemed everyone did know he was carrying on behind her back.

She found out, not because anyone told her, though plenty seemed to know/suspect, she found out because she found a gift he had hidden away that obviously wasn't meant for her.

Or the wife knows and wants to pretend she doesn't, as it's embarrassing.

There is no right answer I imagine. Some marriages are a little dysfunctional but the family as a whole operates pretty well, including the raising of kids.

My general position on cheating has evolved to just minding my own business. I will tell cheaters not to do it in front of me, because I'm a shitty liar and want no part of it. If you're other half asks me, I'll end up spilling the beans and I resent being dragged into the whole sordid mess.

Being asked to cover up for a cheater is definitely not on imo.
Like you I would never do it, and I would resent being asked to lie....thankfully I have never been put in that position.

by inmyopinion Sat Oct 24, 2020 6:39 pm

nest way don't gt involved as somehow it will end up your fault, a bit like giving advice.

by Syl Sat Oct 24, 2020 7:15 pm

inmyopinion wrote:nest way don't gt involved as somehow it will end up your fault, a bit like giving advice.

Advice of a personal nature is OK if it's asked for...often not really welcome if it's foisted on us.

by Ben Reilly Sat Oct 24, 2020 7:19 pm

If you suspect that someone is hurting your best friend, you tell your best friend that you suspect someone is hurting them. Not that you're certain, not that there's no way you're mistaken, but that you suspect.

Friends tell friends things like this. If you wouldn't tell me you thought eddie might be cheating on me, you're not really my friend.

by Syl Sat Oct 24, 2020 7:22 pm

Ben Reilly wrote:If you suspect that someone is hurting your best friend, you tell your best friend that you suspect someone is hurting them. Not that you're certain, not that there's no way you're mistaken, but that you suspect.

Friends tell friends things like this. If you wouldn't tell me you thought eddie might be cheating on me, you're not really my friend.

Yeah I think most people would want to know.

by eddie Sat Oct 24, 2020 7:28 pm

I would absolutely tell my best friend, or any friend, co-worker etc of my suspicions. You may run the risk of an argument or indeed, losing that friendship (but tbh real friends would never turn against you for an honest and caring opinion).

I always believe that suspicions come from somewhere, no smoke without fire.

by Vintage Sat Oct 24, 2020 7:32 pm

I'd not long started at an office and had met a number of other halves, they were a social bunch and would get together a lot. One girl I worked a lot with who was married had an accident to her back and couldn't walk well afterwards one night I was out with my then boyfriend, in our local pub quite away from the town I worked in, we were sitting by the door and who should pass by our table on the way out but my workmate's husband and it wasn't her with him. I must have looked suprised because he gave me the silent 'ssh' signal and ushered the girl out. I decided after much thought not to say anything - later it seemed she knew what went on with him and they are still married,
45 years later.

by Syl Sat Oct 24, 2020 7:53 pm

Vintage wrote:I'd not long started at an office and had met a number of other halves, they were a social bunch and would get together a lot. One girl I worked a lot with who was married had an accident to her back and couldn't walk well afterwards one night I was out with my then boyfriend, in our local pub quite away from the town I worked in, we were sitting by the door and who should pass by our table on the way out but my workmate's husband and it wasn't her with him. I must have looked suprised because he gave me the silent 'ssh' signal and ushered the girl out. I decided after much thought not to say anything - later it seemed she knew what went on with him and they are still married,
45 years later.

Awkward.

But it does show that nobody really knows what's going on in someone elses relationship unless one of the parties is opening up to you..
What one may find intolerable someone else will put up with.

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