The Underground Protecting Jobs The Bob Crowe vision A Brave Old World.

I have been asked to do a complete investigation into the state of play on the underground and to give the unions perspective on this highly complex and controversial changes being proposed.

Brother Crowe has been very concerned to portray this situation with the human touch and has been very active in guiding me from his temporary base in the Bahamas whilst he has a new bathroom fitted by the council in his council home.

Bob has been in and around Rail for decades employed initially as a rail knocker to identify potential track failures. Bob quickly realised he wasn’t cut out for actual work and quickly latched onto the opportunities afforded to him by the Trade union the RMT. Bob quickly rose up the ranks especially when it was realised Brother Crowe was a fully paid up member of the Communist Party and a big fan of Kruschev
.
Bob recently showed me around behind the scenes of the underground network. I first met one of the oldest longest serving members of staff Kathleen Anderson who had been a “Mind the Gap” announcer since the 1960s. The total team of “Mind the Gap” announcers is currently 102 and they have over 500 years of "mind the gap" announcement experience between them. They sit quietly and discretely on every train anonymously speaking into a microphone as the train arrives at the station. Bob said this kind of skill cannot be easily replaced and the union was doing all it could to keep the old skills alive. Indeed Bob proudly stated that the union had negotiated 15 training days a year per member of the team to hone their skills thereby ensuring the highest quality of service at all times.

Kathleen announced she is a member of the Ye olde "Mind the Gap" Association and had been Chair since 2001. It can trace it roots back to the day of Stage Coaches in England when we had the "Mind the Step" announcers. How they laughed when they said they could do away with the "Mind the Step" announcers. "Of course it was much more difficult in those days we didn't have a union to stop management moving the jobs onto the railways". There was no irony in that statement I noted.

I asked Kathleen why the necessity of having a “ Mind the Gap” announcer on each train rather than at each station? Kathleen looked at me blankly and turned to Bob. “We have always been concerned about passenger safety first and foremost” said Bob. He went onto say that the presence of onboard “Mind the gap “announcers meant they could constantly measure the gap should problems occur. When I pointed out that with the train running on rails that the gap would be pretty damned well constant again I had that unknowing look.

I then asked would it not be possible perhaps to have an automated announcer saying “Mind the Gap” at each station. At this point I was hurriedly moved onto to meet my next employee

George Harrison an amiable old man whose job it is to paint warning notices in the dark sections of the underground tunnels. I said that must be dangerous George. He replied” You bet it is that’s why I have to paint warning notices. I presume you paint them in luminous paint George as there is no light. “Can’t do that” he said “it would distract the driver”. Then why do it at all then I asked “Because its bloody dangerous” he replied. I looked under torch light at the notice he had just finished as I nervously heard the trains moving through the tunnels. He looked on proudly as I read out his recently completed notice which read " Danger! Painters beware Trains pass through here"

I turned to George incredulous and asked how many staff are employed doing this and was told ten. The signs get covered in muck over time and have to be redone so they can be seen. Bemused I turned to Bob and said "Wouldn’t it be better for your members not risking their lives painting these notices when only the painters themselves will ever see them Bob".

“And what would they do for jobs “he replied.

Er something useful I ventured?

At this point my investigative journalism career was over and I am currently blackballed by the NUJ.

Sadly I never got to meet Miriam and her 12 man (er sorry person) team of "Political correctness hoardings and advertisings compliance officers" and Fred in the Paper cuts intervention rapid response unit, Harold and his 16 strong team of eager beavers(for some reason beaver was non de rigueur with the chaps) in the LGBT research dept specialising in public transport issues affecting transgender and the dangers of high heels in public transport for 17 stone transgender men.






Copyright Drinky 2014

It is the Marie Celeste on here tonight does no one like this spoof.

@clarkson
Satire    
I have no reason to disbeleive that the UK employs 102 mind the gap announcers.        seems like something you guys would do.     

Clarkson wrote:It is the Marie Celeste on here tonight does no one like this spoof.

I'm just surprised that you took the time to think all that up and then type it out. Shame it was a complete waste of time.

You need to get out more.

I thought it was funny, but then again I have a sense of humour!!

nicko wrote:I thought it was funny, but then again I have a sense of humour!!

I've never seen you display a sense of humour on here, you mostly come across as being very miserable and hateful for the most part.

Phil I used to type these spoofs from time to time. I've done a few in the past. This was motivated by a conversation in another thread and I found it highly amusing trying to imagine the most ridiculous non jobs. Sadly though the "mind the gap jobs" don't exist there were times in the past that the RMT did keep on jobs that were simply ludicrous.

For example with the advent of Diesel they insisted that firemen were kept on as assistants. This ridiculous over manning lead to the Beeching report which destroyed much of the system.


There is a disconnect in the minds of union leaders which makes them think by keeping non jobs they are doing their members a favour when in reality they put at risk the real jobs and a public service to boot.

I'd be surprised Veya if you didn't have your own versions of silly demarcations in the past which involved ridiculous over manning. Unions were very militant in Aussie as well mate.

@Clarkson
Yes but I am a devout Technocrat, And am glad to say comparatively my nation is too.

If a Computer can do let it be so  ::drnkpst::  ::drnkpst:: Gives us more time to get drunk       

All Hail SKYNET
 ::alahoo::  ::alahoo::  ::alahoo::  ::alahoo::  ::alahoo::  ::alahoo::  ::alahoo::  ::alahoo::



And..... I was Serious  I could really imagine that you still have 'fat controller' from Thomas the tank engine running around at every station       

Actually.... I am kind of sad that you don't have them         

                       

Actually I really laughed out loud as I imagined a person on each train speaking into a microphone.

When I was seconded to the civil service for a while the mentality expressed by the fictitious painter was a reality.

year on year they did jobs that had no value just cost and in fairness to them they were very committed.  Likewise my spell in Local Govt showed similar mindsets.

"Why do we do this" I would ask followed by the blank look and then the stock reply "We always have". That it served no purpose now wasn't important. Commonly people would collect all sorts of data that may have had some relevance in the dim and distant past but had absolutely no real world use now. The sheer horror at my suggestions that we cease collection would be met with "what will Jane do then". Why not that work that you say you need extra staff for I would reply.

The resentment was palpable even though the tasks were irrelevant and suddenly a solution had been found to their staff problem. I think the resistance derives from the fact that the person and the boss have to admit that the previous x years of activity were for nought. It is particularly embarrassing for a boss who has never bothered to review the need for anything.

In my experience the left refuse to review the need for things because their first reaction is to protect jobs whether or not that serves the public. If they stepped back they could do both.

catman, you do not know me, I am to be honest a militant homosexual who waits with baited breath for your every utterance.

nicko wrote:catman, you do not know me, I am to be honest a militant homosexual who waits with baited breath for your every utterance.

Double laugh, first at Drinky's wonderful post and then your wonderfully honest admission. Guys you are making me smile thanks.

gerber wrote:

nicko wrote:catman, you do not know me, I am to be honest a militant homosexual who waits with baited breath for your every utterance.

Double laugh, first at Drinky's wonderful post and then your wonderfully honest admission.    Guys you are making me smile thanks.

Thank you Gerber for your kind acknowledgement of my efforts. It beats the sour remarks emanating from the thing they call Sassy. I love to do spoofs Sassy was clearly sucking on a particularly sour lemon as she read this.

Clarkson wrote:

gerber wrote:

Double laugh, first at Drinky's wonderful post and then your wonderfully honest admission.    Guys you are making me smile thanks.

Thank you Gerber for your kind acknowledgement of my efforts. It beats the sour remarks emanating from the thing they call Sassy. I love to do spoofs Sassy was clearly sucking on a particularly sour lemon as she read this.

I thought it highly amusing - thought you'd copied it. Do you have a blog? You should. I'd read it.

gerber,i'm worried that might think I was serious,i'm not gay, I was joking.

nicko wrote:gerber,i'm worried that might think I was serious,i'm not gay, I was joking.

      

Tess. wrote:

Clarkson wrote:

Thank you Gerber for your kind acknowledgement of my efforts. It beats the sour remarks emanating from the thing they call Sassy. I love to do spoofs Sassy was clearly sucking on a particularly sour lemon as she read this.

I thought it highly amusing - thought you'd copied it.  Do you have a blog?  You should.  I'd read it.  

I wrote it yesterday in response to something on another thread. No I haven't got a blog and it isn't often I find I can write anything that is worth reading (I'll be made to pay for that). Very very occasionally I get an idea and I convert it into one of these spoofs. I genuinely wished I could do it more often.

I'll try harder to do more parodies of left wing ideology; it is rich fertile soil for humour. My favourite programme was Yes Minister a superbly written and all but a few episodes based on actual events. The mentality of the Civil Service is exactly that of Sir Humphrey. Of course the self seeking Hacker was also a fine parody of an MP.

One day when I'm not annoyed by it I'll do one about the Comrades attitudes to taxation. Sassy will enjoy that she loves my spoofs.

It appears Drinky has some fans for his supposedly funny 'spoof'.   Well, I suppose if you disregard the subtext and the views of the person writing, you might be forgiven for being drawn in.

However, when you look at the subtext, it's not so funny.   Here is someone who spends his time condemning those out of work, calling them 'scroungers', agreeing with every cut in benefit etc, yet now thinks poking fun at those desperate to keep themselves in work is fair game.   The people of London want them kept in work.   Interviewed last night virtually every person, although inconvenienced, agreed with those striking.   They have never wanted the ticket offices closed, and feel safer with people about instead of machines.   In fact, one of the reasons they voted for Johnson in two elections was because he promised, in both, NOT to close the ticket offices.   He lied through his teeth to get elected.   Now that IS fair game for a spoof piece, but people fighting to save their livelihoods in a country that still has real unemployment problems, would only be a source of amusement to someone without an ounce of empathy or compassion.   Someone who laughs at people in distress and jeers at the struggles of those trying to continue to support their families, in the face of outright deceit by those they trusted.

Sassy wrote:It appears Drinky has some fans for his supposedly funny 'spoof'.   Well, I suppose if you disregard the subtext and the views of the person writing, you might be forgiven for being drawn in.

However, when you look at the subtext, it's not so funny.   Here is someone who spends his time condemning those out of work, calling them 'scroungers', agreeing with every cut in benefit etc, yet now thinks poking fun at those desperate to keep themselves in work is fair game.   The people of London want them kept in work.   Interviewed last night virtually every person, although inconvenienced, agreed with those striking.   They have never wanted the ticket offices closed, and feel safer with people about instead of machines.   In fact, one of the reasons they voted for Johnson in two elections was because he promised, in both, NOT to close the ticket offices.   He lied through his teeth to get elected.   Now that IS fair game for a spoof piece, but people fighting to save their livelihoods in a country that still has real unemployment problems, would only be a source of amusement to someone without an ounce of empathy or compassion.   Someone who laughs at people in distress and jeers at the struggles of those trying to continue to support their families, in the face of outright deceit by those they trusted.

Good afternoon Sassy

Did you manage to hear Bob talking with Jeremy on radio 2 at lunch.................... I am being nice to Bob when I use the word talk................... He has no ideas, no forward looking intentions. He is a Dinosaur.

Except that.

1 there are no compulsory redundancies.
2. There are already enough applicants for voluntary redundancy
3. Keeping jobs which aren't required is putting the business at risk carrying non jobs.
4. If we had move things on when new technology came to the rtailways instead of letting the unions run roughed over the management we might have not had Beeching closing so much of the rail network.

5. Dinosaurs like you are stereotype as all management bad unions good reorganisation due to new technology bad demarcation good.

6. Johnson was unwise to promise something that he couldn't reasonably deliver given the change in technology. Things move on have you got electricity in your house or do you prefer gas light.

7. Machines do a better job of many activities you really are a luddite.

We live in a free world where we have to compete look at were this attitude has got the French. You learn nothing from history. You learn nothing period!

Won't the Coven take you back Sassy have you knifed your fellow witches in the back as well. Really you should try harder not to shaft people.

Managed to find a piece from from someone who knows a lot more of the situation, because they have directly asked the right people. So rather than the diatribe above, some facts might be a good idea.

If the imminent tube strikes were to be boiled down to soundbites – and they largely have been – we’d have Transport for London on one side shouting “modernisation!” and the unions on the other shouting “safety and job losses!”. As always, things are a bit more complicated than that, so we’ve taken a look at what’s going on behind the scenes.
Changing Roles

One of the most contentious issues is the loss of 953 front-line jobs driven by closing all ticket offices. TfL thinks it will need an extra 200 staff to run the 24 hour weekend tube, so we’re talking a net loss of 750 roles. But it’s not as simple as shifting 200 people from their current jobs into Customer Service Assistant (CSA) roles though, as it’s unlikely that someone working during the day will fancy a midnight-8am Piccadilly Circus shift, and many of the jobs being cut are supervisory – moving roles would mean a hefty pay cut.

TfL says it can manage these job losses without compulsory redundancies (this isn’t TfL being generous, however; that was a concession won by the unions some time ago). We spoke to one of the RMT negotiators in between ACAS talks on Monday afternoon. He’d just been told by London Underground that 400 people have applied for voluntary redundancy. On Tuesday morning TfL told us 1,000 staff have applied. If the latter is true, the job losses can be managed relatively smoothly for staff. Edit: it’s being widely reported that in fact 450 staff have applied for voluntary redundancy so far.

But what of passengers? These 950 people work visibly in stations during current working hours (i.e. not the 200 who will be deployed overnight on weekends from 2015). TfL says that closing ticket offices and getting staff out among the travelling public will make them more visible. The unions say it’s still 950 fewer people on the front line. We asked TfL for ‘before’ and ‘after’ figures – how many staff are currently available to the public outside of ticket offices and how many will be in the future. A spokesperson said:

“Although we believe we can operate stations more efficiently with a net reduction in staff of 750, far more of those staff in stations in future will be out in public areas where they can help and be seen by customers.”

Which isn’t really what we asked. We think this is important and have submitted a Freedom of Information request. We’ll let you know when/if we hear anything back.

How Might Stations Be Staffed?

How this affects you primarily depends on which stations you use. There are 270 stations on the network; lose 950 front line staff across all those stations, at existing hours (we’re not comparing night running to existing staffing levels), and it’s an average of 3.5 people a station. London Bridge, for example, has two ticket offices, one of which is open all day, the other most of it. Getting those staff out from behind glass would be extremely helpful – though, as we’ve said, without exact figures to say who’s going from where, it’s hard to say just how many of those currently bound to the ticket office will still be employed to help.

If, however, you use somewhere like Perivale, where the ticket office is only open for a couple of hours each day, is it likely you’ll see increased staffing levels? Not according to the RMT, who recently published a newsletter for its members working on the Central Line. In outer London, station supervisors will switch from being responsible for one station each to running (in TfL’s words) “a small number of local stations”. The RMT says there will be a “lone CSA” on duty at stations where supervisors are ‘roaming’. We asked TfL if there will be situations where stations are run by single members of staff (what happens when they go to lunch? To the loo?). The response:

“In the future we propose to change how we currently operate our stations, to more adequately reflect the different needs of our customers and to create a more personal service. This will result in more staff taking management responsibility for a lower number of stations, with more staff taking a greater level of ownership and responsibility at the local level at our stations.”

Which again, you’ll notice, isn’t quite what we asked. You can see what status your local station will have with this map (PDF), and an explanation of what the new designations mean. Edit: the BBC’s Tom Edwards confirms that some stations will be staffed by one person.

Balancing the Budgets

The elephant in the room with these changes is money. TfL is having its grant from central government cut. In 2015-16, £220m will go from the budget. The draft budget (PDF) for the coming year 2014-15 (if we’re reading it right) shows the central government grant is £280m lower than this year (PDF). Income from other sources (this is one of the reasons our fares have gone up) is estimated to be £250m higher, but there’s still a gap. TfL looks to be pulling £177m out of its reserves but still plans to reduce expenditure by £4.6m from this year to next.

The RMT tells us that TfL needs to save £50m from its station operating budget over the next nine years and suggests this is the driving force behind the changes. TfL denies this vehemently, saying:

“These changes are not about funding cuts, they are about adapting our service to what customers want from the Underground. The trend of ticket sales away from ticket offices has surged over recent years and today less than 3% of all tube journeys involve a visit to a ticket office.”

It is true that TfL has been trying to close ticket offices for years. Here’s a press release from 2007 (during Ken Livingstone’s Mayoral tenure) citing that same 3% figure, heralding the closure of 40 ticket offices to “shift station staff from behind the plate glass windows in ticket offices to the platforms and in ticket halls”. Sound familiar? Those closures were ultimately overturned in the run-up to the 2008 election. However, we’d be surprised if budget cuts didn’t play any part whatsoever in the decision-making process. Edit: it’s been pointed out to us by a City Hall staffer that 3% of all tube journeys equates to 100,000 people a day.

The RMT also told us that the changes on the table only add up to 6% of the savings needed to meet the cut in the government grant, and predicts more changes / cuts / savings to come. Again, we put this to TfL and asked how, if that’s the case, they plan to make up the rest of the shortfall. Other than the response already given above, an answer wasn’t forthcoming.

Consequences?

So how will this affect us, the travelling public? For most of us on an ordinary, day-to-day journey, the answer is: probably not very much. Without clear figures about where job losses will fall and how they counterbalance getting staff out of ticket offices, it’s impossible to say. This makes it very difficult for outsiders like us to say definitively whether it’ll be easier or more difficult to find a staff member at a station, or whether there’ll be any effect on safety. There is, perhaps, a small clue in recent figures uncovered by Transport for All, where an increase in instances disabled passengers were unable to access stations because of staff shortages appears to correlate with a previous round of staff cuts. We asked TfL at the time but received no response.

We know the fares system is being significantly upgraded soon and we’ll be able to do a lot more at ticket machines (for example, we’ve heard that if you forget to touch in or out, the system will be able to intelligently estimate where you came from / went to and charge accordingly. And, if you need a refund, there’s talk you’ll be able to do it at a machine). We asked TfL for more details on the improvements but we’re going to be charitable and say the press officer probably missed the question as it came at the end of our email.

If you do end up having to make a transaction that needs a human being (maybe if your employer pays for your season ticket loan with a cheque?) you’ll probably have to visit one of the Travel Information Centres. These currently exist at tourist gateway stations Euston, King’s Cross, Liverpool Street, Victoria and Heathrow, though the Piccadilly Circus centre is due to be replaced by one at Paddington.

So there you go. This is an unprecedented set of changes even before we get into all-night running (which, despite TfL’s attempts to combine the two, are really separate issues). We’ve only scratched the surface here – but we’ve got no doubt the debate will continue

http://londonist.com/2014/02/a-look-at-the-reasons-behind-the-tube-strike.php

So how will this affect us, the travelling public? For most of us on an ordinary, day-to-day journey, the answer is: probably not very much.

Taken directly from your article. The role is  being replaced, technology moves on Sassy why can't you get that. There are sufficient applicants for redundancy on a voluntary basis therefore what is the strike over.

I'll tell you its about the management managing and the unions resisting change. It is a business which has to make money not a plaything for the union masters egos.

Am, I to understand unless unions say so changes must not be made. When new technology arrives shall we leave people doing it as the unions want.

Do you not accept we have to compete globally.

If not how do you propose we can keep jobs in the long run if everything we make is too expensive.

You obviously miss the 70s and all those wild cat strikes and three day weeks.

Do you really hate the human race so much?

Ive had a great idea says Sassy.

Do you know when we left people on high incomes with 2p in the pound. Instead why don't we tax them at 100% i and then we can keep people sat in ticket offices twiddling their thumbs most of the day.

That isn't a spoof you folks would really think that was a great idea.

Tell hubby the strike is a good idea............................he had to battle into work this am and has no idea how he will get back to the station to get his train home for dinner.

He might not be one of needed workers in London but the Teachers, Doctors and Nurses are and they have all had to do the same, their non attendance has a dramatic effect on many many others maybe even life changing.

gerber wrote:Tell hubby the strike is a good idea............................he had to battle into work this am and has no idea how he will get back to the station to get his train home for dinner.

He might not be one of needed workers in London but the Teachers, Doctors and Nurses are and they have all had to do the same, their non attendance has a dramatic effect on many many others maybe even life changing.

Well, OH had work to do in London today and had to battle the traffic, which was much worse of course.   He, on the other hand, took the opposite view and said one day's discomfort for him was worth it to get the message home to the TfL.  He left at 5.30 this morning and didn't get home until gone 8 tonight.

This makes it very difficult for outsiders like us to say definitively whether it’ll be easier or more difficult to find a staff member at a station, or whether there’ll be any effect on safety. There is, perhaps, a small clue in recent figures uncovered by Transport for All, where an increase in instances disabled passengers were unable to access stations because of staff shortages appears to correlate with a previous round of staff cuts. We asked TfL at the time but received no response.

It seems that are responding to very little, something to hide perhaps.

Already 97% of tickets are not purchased from the ticket offices. Sassy you are arguing for people to be sat doing less and less rather than actually helping.

AS always you end up defending the indefensible. None of the facts assist your assertion that a strike is justified.

On this trend are you saying the tickets offjces must remain open no matter what.

Get a reality check woman you are demented

Maybe a compromise would be to have centralised ticket offices in say four main London stations for anyone who still wants to do things the old-fashioned way.

Having four offices wouldn't appease the the union or the luddites like sassy. In time it would get to less than 1% their resistance wold be no less. Pay people to do fuck all or else.

You can't run a business with that sword of Damaclese held over your head by the brain dead and the politically motivated Marxist like Crowe.

Another battke being fought by the luddites is the cheque. Whilst its not quite obsolete it is obsolescent.

In time the unit cost of processing A CHEQUE WILL RISE as volumes fall. Sassy would be happy for us all to pay as long as a single person still wants to use cheques.

Things change as technology changes get used to it

Johnson ran on the ticket of no ticket office closures. He lied.

technology comes along...makes a company much more efficient ...so it sheds staff, and INCREASES vastly its "profits" (it would have to to justify using new technology) shouldnt the staff it shed be entitled to a lifetime share of that profit?

Sassy wrote:This makes it very difficult for outsiders like us to say definitively whether it’ll be easier or more difficult to find a staff member at a station, or whether there’ll be any effect on safety. There is, perhaps, a small clue in recent figures uncovered by Transport for All, where an increase in instances disabled passengers were unable to access stations because of staff shortages appears to correlate with a previous round of staff cuts. We asked TfL at the time but received no response.

It seems that are responding to very little, something to hide perhaps.

i'm with you on this one sassy

i think people will feel less safe somehow with the lack of an office and human beings around

and what happens when these great machines screw up?? and no sod around to help??

it could be a giant fuckup

You know what though...I really couldnt give a monkeys about this....Its London...why should I care if it grinds to a halt....

Its like that other (quietly shoved out of the way for the moment) issue that arose a few years back, when some guy who knew his stuff happened to mention that being as how London is a) getting evermore crowded and b) is sinking at the rate of about 3cm a year (nowhere NEAR fast enough IMO) Its sewers are going to stop functioning very soon..

The Issue was....that London wanted a levy putting on all the regions water boards to pay for it....
Now if you ask me...Its Londons shit, so london should sort it or drown in it....not expect ME to pay for it...
I mean...what has london ever done for me???

gelico wrote:

Sassy wrote:This makes it very difficult for outsiders like us to say definitively whether it’ll be easier or more difficult to find a staff member at a station, or whether there’ll be any effect on safety. There is, perhaps, a small clue in recent figures uncovered by Transport for All, where an increase in instances disabled passengers were unable to access stations because of staff shortages appears to correlate with a previous round of staff cuts. We asked TfL at the time but received no response.

It seems that are responding to very little, something to hide perhaps.

i'm with you on this one sassy

i think people will feel less safe somehow with the lack of an office and human beings around

and what happens when these great machines screw up??  and no sod around to help??

it could be a giant fuckup

Hi Geli, it's what most Londoners appear to think as well.   It ain't about ticket office staff, it's about loss of staff, because having people around to help makes them feel safe.   Last time I travelled through London, which was a while ago, there was a problem with a train partially derailing, caused chaos.   The crowds around the staff on the platforms was huge, and they had to keep people back from the edge as it became very crowded.   I was obvious that the old people there, and mums with kids were quite frightened.   You can have all the machines you like, in a situation like that, they can't help.

Fuck me 97% of tickets are issued by this new fangled tech the extra 3% will suddenly overload it. Have you heard yourselves!

grumpy old git wrote:technology comes along...makes a company much more efficient ...so it sheds staff, and INCREASES vastly its "profits" (it would have to to justify using new technology) shouldnt the staff it shed be entitled to a lifetime share of that profit?

Now this is my hobby horse. If I were in charge of the UK economy I'd try to replace all State and Private sector jobs with worker co-operatives, run on the lines of John Lewis, which has proved highly successful. People would work hard to improve their Company/Service and be rewarded with a share of the profits.