Deciding on an elderly relatives future.

First topic message reminder :

It's a horrible position to be in, to find yourself having to make the decision on where an aged, mentally and physically disabled relative should live out the remainder of their lives.
Today will be the second time I (we) will be in that position.

Has anyone else had to go through this....was the decision you made a good one?

yeah yeah....of course....

nice try.....

I refer you to my avi.....hearding cats....

Major wrote:

sassy wrote:Well Syl, moved in with Dad beginning of June and he has deteriorated since then.   It's challenging to say the least, some days he's my Dad, some days he's not very nice and I have to keep hold of every bit of patience I possess.   The thing is, I know he would not go into a home, and having had my Mum in one because of dementia and me being too ill to nurse her at the time, although it was a nice one I hated her being there, I don't want him in one either.   But it's hard going, rewarding, frustrating, heartwarming, exhausting etc etc all at the same time.   If I didn't have my OH's full support and my brother and wife coming often to give us a break, I'd never be able to manage it.

I have wondered many times how people manage this dire situation yet still spend hours on forums and other things they tell us about.

Sassy hardly ever posts now Major, I imagine her time is spent caring.

I have to say though, when my mum was really ill and dying at the end, we obviously spent a lot of time coming and going, but forums saved my sanity.
It was a release to be able to detach from reality, which I often think you can do when you are posting and discussing various topics that are not personal to you.

Sad though the situation is with MIL at present, I am not as emotionally involved so I don't have the same sadness, but I imagine Sassy at the moment is going through turmoil, as you yourself have done in the past when trying to care as best you can with a beloved family member.

Syl wrote:

Major wrote:


I have wondered many times how people manage this dire situation yet still spend hours on forums and other things they tell us about.

Sassy hardly ever posts now Major, I imagine her time is spent caring.

I have to say though, when my mum was really ill and dying at the end, we obviously spent a lot of time coming and going, but forums saved my sanity.
It was a release to be able to detach from reality, which I often think you can do when you are posting and discussing various topics that are not personal to you.

Sad though the situation is with MIL at present, I am not as emotionally involved so I don't have the same sadness, but I imagine Sassy at the moment is going through turmoil, as you yourself have done in the past when trying to care as best you can with a beloved family member.

And the last thing you need is some forum snide being nasty about it.

Major wrote:I referred to "PEOPLE" not Sassy, READ THAT WHICH I SCRIBE NOT THAT WHICH YOU ASSUME.
Mind you, you are not the only one who cannot or will not read as written.

You answered sassy's post. Three of us, myself, Vic and Horatio, all came to the same conclusion.

Sort it out.

Thank you for your support people.   It's very appreciated cos it's hard going at the moment.

sassy wrote:Thank you for your support people.   It's very appreciated cos it's hard going at the moment.

Doesn't matter, he needn't have started being shitty on a prefectly innocent thread.

Read exactly that which I say, not that which YOU assume I mean.

How about FAIRNESS FOR ALL on here???????

how about YOU stop whingeing like a 3 year old.

sassy wrote:Thank you for your support people.   It's very appreciated cos it's hard going at the moment.

You don't know me here Sassy, but I really feel for you. So hard for you. I will say though, please take time out for you too. x

Major wrote:Read exactly that which I say, not that which YOU assume I mean.

How about FAIRNESS FOR ALL on here???????

Major give in, you know that was naughty, and we all knew what you meant. Sassy has a hard enough time of it as it is. She needs our support. As we would support you in similar circumstances.

sassy wrote:Thank you for your support people.   It's very appreciated cos it's hard going at the moment.

You have my support too Sassy. I admire your dignity too. x

magica wrote:

Major wrote:Read exactly that which I say, not that which YOU assume I mean.

How about FAIRNESS FOR ALL on here???????

Major give in, you know that was naughty, and we all knew what you meant.  Sassy has a hard enough time of it as it is. She needs our support. As we would support you in similar circumstances.

It's a really sad time when this happens, I know several of us on forums have been in the position Sassy is in now, she is a brilliant daughter.

After months in hospital though she isn't ill, mum in law was eventually placed in a nursing home yesterday that is qualified to suit her needs. She is 102, has dementia, is deaf, blind, needs help with standing, cant walk, she can still feed herself, and she can still talk the hind legs off a donkey.

We are off to see her....fingers crossed she is settling in.

Syl wrote:It's a horrible position to be in, to find yourself having to make the decision on where an aged, mentally and physically disabled relative should live out the remainder of their lives.
Today will be the second time I (we) will be in that position.

Has anyone else had to go through this....was the decision you made a good one?

There is no "good" decision, all you can do is what seems best at the time. If your motives are of the highest - and I'm sure they are - it is all you can hope for.

Syl wrote:After months in hospital though she isn't ill, mum in law was eventually placed in a nursing home yesterday that is qualified to suit her needs. She is 102, has dementia, is  deaf, blind, needs help with standing, cant walk, she can still feed herself, and she can still talk the hind legs off a donkey.

We are off to see her....fingers crossed she is settling in.

What a grand age. I laughed about the talking, that's meeee lol.

I do hope she settles in well Syl, she has lots to cope with in her health. x

Ziz wrote:

Syl wrote:It's a horrible position to be in, to find yourself having to make the decision on where an aged, mentally and physically disabled relative should live out the remainder of their lives.
Today will be the second time I (we) will be in that position.

Has anyone else had to go through this....was the decision you made a good one?

There is no "good" decision, all you can do is what seems best at the time. If your motives are of the highest - and I'm sure they are - it is all you can hope for.

Thank you Ziz.
I agree that people have to do what seems best at the time. There is so much negativity and heart breaking stories that we hear about concerning care and nursing homes.....it can feel like a minefield. First choosing one that seems suitable, and second hoping that they will have a vacancy.
We were told there was an eight month wait minimum, so I suppose the three months wait she did have is not too bad.

magica wrote:

Syl wrote:After months in hospital though she isn't ill, mum in law was eventually placed in a nursing home yesterday that is qualified to suit her needs. She is 102, has dementia, is  deaf, blind, needs help with standing, cant walk, she can still feed herself, and she can still talk the hind legs off a donkey.

We are off to see her....fingers crossed she is settling in.

What a grand age. I laughed about the talking, that's meeee lol.

I do hope she settles in well Syl, she has lots to cope with in her health. x

So far so good Mags. The carer who has been looking after her today said she was trying to do a full monty in the lounge this morning....only her cornflakes distracted her.
It's early days but this afternoon she was gabbing away, when she feels someone is listening and encouraging her, and she is in the right mood... she is happy.

She still knows who everyone is so that's a blessing.

Syl wrote:

magica wrote:

What a grand age. I laughed about the talking, that's meeee lol.

I do hope she settles in well Syl, she has lots to cope with in her health. x

So far so good Mags. The carer who has been looking after her today said she was trying to do a full monty in the lounge this morning....only her cornflakes distracted her.
It's early days but this afternoon she was gabbing away, when she feels someone is listening and encouraging her, and  she is in the right mood... she is happy.

She still knows who everyone is so that's a blessing.

Lol Bless her heart. I hope she spends the remainder of her looong life happy, chatting and having a good laugh!

Syl wrote:After months in hospital though she isn't ill, mum in law was eventually placed in a nursing home yesterday that is qualified to suit her needs. She is 102, has dementia, is  deaf, blind, needs help with standing, cant walk, she can still feed herself, and she can still talk the hind legs off a donkey.

We are off to see her....fingers crossed she is settling in.

Really glad you have found somewhere you all feel happy with.   It's not easy and there is no-one to tell you what is the right way, you just have to do the best you can.

Hope you had a nice visit, Syl.

Thanks Sassy and Eddie. x

eddie wrote:

Major wrote:I referred to "PEOPLE" not Sassy, READ THAT WHICH I SCRIBE NOT THAT WHICH YOU ASSUME.
Mind you, you are not the only one who cannot or will not read as written.

You answered sassy's post. Three of us, myself, Vic and Horatio, all came to the same conclusion.

Sort it out.

MAJOR is the lowest piece of scum I have yet encountered, across several forums over the past decade...

I hope when Ben and moderators finally decide to ban him, it's permanent..

I haven't seen a decent post from him in a long, long time.

HoratioTarr wrote:

Syl wrote:Dementia is the cruellest of ways to die.
The problem is, by the time you have had enough you are too bloody helpless and reliant on others  to do anything about it....the rope and gin are surplus to requirements.

The sooner euthanasia is legally allowed in this country the better it will be for the ever increasing numbers of people who's body has outlived their minds.

I've had a bellyful of death in my life.   I've watched loved ones die, cried rivers at the futility and inexorable sadness of it all.  And I know I've got more to come.   Oh, for the blue remembered hills.....

Into my heart an air that kills
From yon far country blows:
What are those blue remembered hills,
What spires, what farms are those?
That is the land of lost content,
I see it shining plain,
The happy highways where I went
And cannot come again.

Me too!

Why are people generally so down on homes? Everyone says it's better to be looked after by family, but is it really? At least in a home you can probably find some company any time of the day, and you wouldn't feel you were a burden because people are being paid to look after you.

Syl wrote:Thanks Eddie and Sassy. x

This poem always touched me, it was said to have been found by a nurse  in an old ladies belongings in hospital after she had passed away.

An Old Lady's Poem

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?

What are you thinking when you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman, not very wise,

uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply

When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"

Who seems not to notice the things that you do,

and forever is losing a stocking or shoe.....

Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,

with bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....

Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me

I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,

as I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten.with a father and mother,

brothers and sisters, who love one another A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,

dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty — my heart gives a leap,

remembering the vows that I promised to keep.

At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,

who need me to guide and a secure happy home.

A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,

bound to each other with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,

but my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,

again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;

I look at the future, I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing young of their own,

and I think of the years and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman/and nature is cruel;

Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles, grace and vigour depart,

and there is now a stone where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,

and now and again, my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys, I remember the pain,

and I'm loving and living life over again.

I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast,

and accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people, open and see,

not a crabby old woman; look closer, see ME!!

This poem gave me shivers. I felt I needed to out it up again.

Its so true that we forget old people were once young, once had families, laughed, danced and enjoyed their life. One day this could be us.

magica wrote:

Syl wrote:Thanks Eddie and Sassy. x

This poem always touched me, it was said to have been found by a nurse  in an old ladies belongings in hospital after she had passed away.

An Old Lady's Poem

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?

What are you thinking when you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman, not very wise,

uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply

When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"

Who seems not to notice the things that you do,

and forever is losing a stocking or shoe.....

Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,

with bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....

Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me

I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,

as I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten.with a father and mother,

brothers and sisters, who love one another A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,

dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty — my heart gives a leap,

remembering the vows that I promised to keep.

At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,

who need me to guide and a secure happy home.

A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,

bound to each other with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,

but my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,

again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;

I look at the future, I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing young of their own,

and I think of the years and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman/and nature is cruel;

Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles, grace and vigour depart,

and there is now a stone where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,

and now and again, my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys, I remember the pain,

and I'm loving and living life over again.

I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast,

and accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people, open and see,

not a crabby old woman; look closer, see ME!!

This poem gave me shivers.  I felt I needed to out it up again.

 Its so true that we forget old people were once young, once had families, laughed, danced and enjoyed their life.  One day this could be us.

Isn't that all a bit of a cliche? Not all old people had a family, or enjoyed their life more than they enjoy it now. They were probably burnt out from work, or bored when they were teenagers. I get tired of hearing about the "perfect" life people say they have - it's mostly bullshit anyway.

Oooh, someone gave me a green. Cheers!

There you go a greeny for you.

Im aware not everyone has family, children etc, but that poem more or less summed me up so I put it back up.

magica wrote:There you go a greeny for you.

Im aware not everyone has family, children etc, but that poem more or less summed me up so I put it back up.

Sorry Mags. I expected to get a red for such a negative post, that's all.

It's all a bit depressing isn't it? The worst thing for me is that people start dying all over the place and you can never get them back.

Lord Foul wrote:thing is Quill...some are not competant any longer.....

So say you.  I watched from a distance as my father fought with my siblings for his own independence.  One of the reasons why I became an attorney is for the day when I must fight back.  He had no idea what was in store, and so was ill-prepared to fight back.  You'd be surprised which of the children are really more concerned about that $100,000 shah abbasi Persian rug or the Tahoe summer home, than they are about his care or freedom.  Especially the freedom part...how often I heard about his incompetence whenever we were talking about his freedom.

Even money doesn't prepare one (indeed, it makes the stakes higher).  When I heard what had happened to my father, I pondered the case of Howard Hughes.  As I read up on it, he was enveloped by his caretakers and smothered with good intentions and the releasing him of the burden of living his own life.  Lots of us think it's a vacation to take time off...in the words of St Teresa of Avila: “Be careful what you wish for, you may get it.”

Raggamuffin wrote:

magica wrote:There you go a greeny for you.

Im aware not everyone has family, children etc, but that poem more or less summed me up so I put it back up.

Sorry Mags. I expected to get a red for such a negative post, that's all.

It's all a bit depressing isn't it? The worst thing for me is that people start dying all over the place and you can never get them back.

I totally agree Rags. This past 18months has seen a few people off, and it is depressing, and some were not that old.

I hope to get old, but not infirm or dementia, if I get that I want out tbh.

I thought a greeny was deserved because not everyone has people around them so you spoke for these as well.

Hopefully whatever life people have led, when they look back they will remember the good times rather than the bad times.
I also think when people need care and may be away from their friends, families, or just familiar surroundings, reminiscing about the past is a good way to lift their spirits.
We used to start a sing song in the care home my mum was in...it was amazing how people who was suffering from quite advanced dementia could sing along to the Vera Lynn type songs....and even if people see those times through rose coloured specs...so what..

Syl wrote:Hopefully whatever life people have led, when they look back they will remember the good times rather than the bad times.
I also think when people need care and may be away from their friends, families, or just familiar surroundings, reminiscing about the past is a good way to lift their spirits.
We used to start a sing song in the care home my  mum was in...it was amazing how people who was suffering from quite advanced dementia could sing along to the Vera Lynn type songs....and even if people see those times through rose coloured specs...so what..

Hope your mother in law has the best care.

I'm recovering from looking after late family for years, it has been hard but life goes on and a big family holiday helped this year.

Bella wrote:

Syl wrote:Hopefully whatever life people have led, when they look back they will remember the good times rather than the bad times.
I also think when people need care and may be away from their friends, families, or just familiar surroundings, reminiscing about the past is a good way to lift their spirits.
We used to start a sing song in the care home my  mum was in...it was amazing how people who was suffering from quite advanced dementia could sing along to the Vera Lynn type songs....and even if people see those times through rose coloured specs...so what..

Hope your mother in law has the best care.

I'm recovering from looking after late family for years, it has been hard but life goes on and a big family holiday helped this year.

Thanks Bella.
It is hard, and even when you do your best most carers I have known always believe they could have done more.