Deciding on an elderly relatives future.

It's a horrible position to be in, to find yourself having to make the decision on where an aged, mentally and physically disabled relative should live out the remainder of their lives.
Today will be the second time I (we) will be in that position.

Has anyone else had to go through this....was the decision you made a good one?

Nursing homes can never replace family.

But if the family cannot manage to care for their parent in the manner they need, then nursing home is the safe option.

Having the nursing home local to you means you can visit any time.

Ive worked in them, some are good, some crap. Make sure you talk to other residents and their relatives.

Things to keep a check on:
Bathing - how often
How long they're left in the toilet - shouldn't ever be left
Healthy food - some of those places class a cheap sausage casserole as "meat"

Seniors are the new Negros.  They are discounted, ignored, and have their rights stolen from them along with their property. It's called agism, and stands right up there alongside racism, sexism and homophobia.

It's no one's business where they want to live or what they want to do with their lives.  Leave them alone.

thing is Quill...some are not competant any longer.....

Lord Foul wrote:thing is Quill...some are not competant any longer.....

I say that about tommy everyday.    Could I get a judge to go along with it?  Not on your life.

We humans love to set aside certain people to be ripped off.  Blacks.  Women.  Gays.  Hispanics.  All special people, who (in some form or other) we claim are not competent.

It's just more of the same with people of age.

try telling that to the folks who end up responsible for an old fellow/dear who can no longer deal with their day to day living needs...even to getting their weekly shop...not only becasue they are too frail but because they no longer have the capacity to deal with financial issues ...or indeed find their way back home

Been there , got the T shirt. Ma in law had altzheimers and dementia.
The only possible place was a nursing home. In some respects it was merciful she deteriorated quickly when she got there - she was confused but warm comfy and well cared for.
We  had NO regets in sending her there. No brainer.

Handy Andy wrote:Been there , got the T shirt. Ma in law had altzheimers and dementia.
The only possible place was a nursing home. In some respects it was merciful she deteriorated quickly when she got there - she was confused but warm comfy and well cared for.
We  had NO regets in sending her there. No brainer.

Same with my grandmother. Her resisential home was really nice and she was well looked after.

I've worked in some....terrible places.

Well Syl, moved in with Dad beginning of June and he has deteriorated since then.   It's challenging to say the least, some days he's my Dad, some days he's not very nice and I have to keep hold of every bit of patience I possess.   The thing is, I know he would not go into a home, and having had my Mum in one because of dementia and me being too ill to nurse her at the time, although it was a nice one I hated her being there, I don't want him in one either.   But it's hard going, rewarding, frustrating, heartwarming, exhausting etc etc all at the same time.   If I didn't have my OH's full support and my brother and wife coming often to give us a break, I'd never be able to manage it.

Sorry your dad is getting worse sassy. You're doing a very worthwhile job.

Thanks, some days when he is berating me for something like not having the knives straight in the drawer, I have to remember that lol

sassy wrote:Thanks, some days when he is berating me for something like not having the knives straight in the drawer, I have to remember that lol

It's easier with a stranger. When it's a loved one we tend to take it personally.
You know he doesn't mean it.

Thanks for the replies everyone, they are all helpful. x

sassy wrote:Well Syl, moved in with Dad beginning of June and he has deteriorated since then.   It's challenging to say the least, some days he's my Dad, some days he's not very nice and I have to keep hold of every bit of patience I possess.   The thing is, I know he would not go into a home, and having had my Mum in one because of dementia and me being too ill to nurse her at the time, although it was a nice one I hated her being there, I don't want him in one either.   But it's hard going, rewarding, frustrating, heartwarming, exhausting etc etc all at the same time.   If I didn't have my OH's full support and my brother and wife coming often to give us a break, I'd never be able to manage it.

Hi Sassy, I wondered how you were getting on with your Dad, I respect and admire your dedication in caring and wanting the best thing for your Dad....I can imagine how hard it is....you are a great daughter, and I'm sure your Dad knows this even if he doesn't always show it. x

Well we waited at the hospital for 3 hours and the social worker didn't show. It was her who had rang and asked for a meeting....once when we were in Wales last week, and again yesterday (Sunday) to confirm we would be there.
We were she was not....and even though the hospital rang her twice she failed to even return the call....it's now 6.40 and we still have no word.

My MIL is almost 102....almost totally deaf, totally blind and suffering from dementia. She lashes out because she has no idea who is touching her.

Her daughter did a brilliant job of caring for her till about 3 years ago when Mum in law fell and broke her hip, she sailed through the op and we thought everything was going to be OK...but since then sadly it's been downhill all the way.

Syl wrote:

sassy wrote:Well Syl, moved in with Dad beginning of June and he has deteriorated since then.   It's challenging to say the least, some days he's my Dad, some days he's not very nice and I have to keep hold of every bit of patience I possess.   The thing is, I know he would not go into a home, and having had my Mum in one because of dementia and me being too ill to nurse her at the time, although it was a nice one I hated her being there, I don't want him in one either.   But it's hard going, rewarding, frustrating, heartwarming, exhausting etc etc all at the same time.   If I didn't have my OH's full support and my brother and wife coming often to give us a break, I'd never be able to manage it.

Hi Sassy, I wondered how you were getting on with your Dad, I respect and admire your dedication in caring and wanting the best thing for your Dad....I can imagine how hard it is....you are a great daughter, and I'm sure your Dad knows this even if he doesn't always show it. x

Thanks Syl.

Odd how everyone you speak to always says....I'd rather be dead than in a home. Then when it comes to the time you have to go into one, or decide to put someone in one, it's very different.

HoratioTarr wrote:Odd how everyone you speak to always says....I'd rather be dead than in a home.   Then when it comes to the time you have to go into one, or decide to put someone in one, it's very different.

A few years ago we found my mum a lovely home...it wasn't the poshest or the fanciest, but it was small, clean, food was good, most importantly the carers actually cared, they had been there years, and the residents were happy......the ones who could still be happy was  anyway. the worst thing about nursing homes is ime, so many residents have no visitors....they are seemingly left there and forgotton about.
When my mum passed away we asked if any of her clothes would be useful, some were brand new never worn, because we always hoped she would be well enough one day to go out, sadly, some of the other ladies had had no one to buy or replace the clothes they had in the home....I found that heartbreaking.

Syl wrote:

HoratioTarr wrote:Odd how everyone you speak to always says....I'd rather be dead than in a home.   Then when it comes to the time you have to go into one, or decide to put someone in one, it's very different.

A few years ago we found my mum a lovely home...it wasn't the poshest or the fanciest, but it was small, clean, food was good, most importantly the carers actually cared, they had been there years, and the residents were happy......the ones who could still be happy was  anyway. the worst thing about nursing homes is ime, so many residents have no visitors....they are seemingly left there and forgotton about.
When my mum passed away we asked if any of her clothes would be useful, some were brand new never worn, because we always hoped she would be well enough one day to go out, sadly, some of the other ladies had had no one to buy or replace the clothes they had in the home....I found that heartbreaking.

What a lovely thought Syl. Bet your mum would've been glad they weren't wasted.

She would have....the saddest items were the slippers we had bought her for Christmas, she never got to even put them on because she never was able to get out of bed.

MIL in hospital is still feisty, so that's a good sign. Not so much for the nurses, but it's good to see someone so elderly with spirit.

Syl wrote:She would have....the saddest items were the slippers we had bought her for Christmas, she never got to even put them on because she never was able to get out of bed.

MIL in hospital is still feisty, so that's a good sign. Not so much for the nurses, but it's good to see someone so elderly with spirit.

God yes! I'll probably fight till the end and then go "God I'm bored now....I'm off!"

Syl wrote:

HoratioTarr wrote:Odd how everyone you speak to always says....I'd rather be dead than in a home.   Then when it comes to the time you have to go into one, or decide to put someone in one, it's very different.

A few years ago we found my mum a lovely home...it wasn't the poshest or the fanciest, but it was small, clean, food was good, most importantly the carers actually cared, they had been there years, and the residents were happy......the ones who could still be happy was  anyway. the worst thing about nursing homes is ime, so many residents have no visitors....they are seemingly left there and forgotton about.
When my mum passed away we asked if any of her clothes would be useful, some were brand new never worn, because we always hoped she would be well enough one day to go out, sadly, some of the other ladies had had no one to buy or replace the clothes they had in the home....I found that heartbreaking.

My uncle died in a nursing home. He got mistreated in hospital, badly neglected. My poor mum did what she could to help him, but he had dementia. She was his little sister and he had nobody else, because they had been estranged for years due to him being wealthy and not giving a shit about her or making the effort to stay in touch. Then he lost all his money, his wife left him, his kids didn't give a damn, and my mum stepped into the breach. He had a few years of life left due to her. I hardly knew him, but I remember crying in the lift at the hospital after seeing him writhing around in bed with his beard full of old food, his mind gone...this man who once owned his own business and a big house and yacht he sailed round the world in. I thought then, give me a bottle of gin and a fucking rope before I end up like that.

Dementia is the cruellest of ways to die.
The problem is, by the time you have had enough you are too bloody helpless and reliant on others  to do anything about it....the rope and gin are surplus to requirements.

The sooner euthanasia is legally allowed in this country the better it will be for the ever increasing numbers of people who's body has outlived their minds.

I have read Syl about her lovely for a long time, I know how how she feels, I, we have been in the same position as Syl several times, tiz heart wrenching but it is your duty to get the very best for your loved ones, it ain't easy.
Through experience I can categorically say there are sh**holes out there and sh**bags and you have have to fight them am all.
The very good places for your old and infirm are few.

Advice, get to the top person at your council house and put the pressure, responsibility DIRECTLY upon their shoulders, make them scared of losing their well paid position.
Tiz hard graft getting to them, do it.

Syl wrote:Dementia is the cruellest of ways to die.
The problem is, by the time you have had enough you are too bloody helpless and reliant on others  to do anything about it....the rope and gin are surplus to requirements.

The sooner euthanasia is legally allowed in this country the better it will be for the ever increasing numbers of people who's body has outlived their minds.

Yes. My dog has died with more dignity and free of pain than most human beings. Few of us die easily, in spite of what we may believe. It's far nastier and prolonged than we can ever face, hence, why people turn away from it. I have a friend who is a nursing sister, and she told me that many nurses will ignore the dying simply through virtue of not being able to emotionally cope with it. It's easier to pretend they are ok and not suffering.

Syl wrote:Dementia is the cruellest of ways to die.
The problem is, by the time you have had enough you are too bloody helpless and reliant on others  to do anything about it....the rope and gin are surplus to requirements.

The sooner euthanasia is legally allowed in this country the better it will be for the ever increasing numbers of people who's body has outlived their minds.

I've had a bellyful of death in my life. I've watched loved ones die, cried rivers at the futility and inexorable sadness of it all. And I know I've got more to come. Oh, for the blue remembered hills.....

Into my heart an air that kills
From yon far country blows:
What are those blue remembered hills,
What spires, what farms are those?
That is the land of lost content,
I see it shining plain,
The happy highways where I went
And cannot come again.

Some of these replies are so touching....thank you.

I believe if we all live long enough we will all experience the heartbreak of seeing someone we love being taken away by dementia, taken away years before they actually die.
Thanks MajorI know you understand and thanks HT....that poem was beautiful.

Eddie.....I agree that the people who lose it completely, regress back to when they were small, are often happier than the people who can still acknowledge who they were yet can do nothing to help themselves...body gone and mind always in torment.

Sorry to put a dampener on the forum tonight.

Syl don't be apologise ever for how you feel or for what you say! Ever!

I'm sorry I wrote a stupid jokey post about running around with my pants on my head singing Beat it!! (I deleted it)


(Is it ok that after just having wrote that, I smiled a little?)

Hugs to you xxx

eddie wrote:Syl don't be apologise ever for how you feel or for what you say! Ever!

I'm sorry I wrote a stupid jokey post about running around with my pants on my head singing Beat it!! (I deleted it)


(Is it ok that after just having wrote that, I smiled a little?)

Hugs to you xxx

I read it...it made me smile. Sometimes humour gets us through stuff we have to cope with in life so don't be sorry. x

Syl wrote:

eddie wrote:Syl don't be apologise ever for how you feel or for what you say! Ever!

I'm sorry I wrote a stupid jokey post about running around with my pants on my head singing Beat it!! (I deleted it)


(Is it ok that after just having wrote that, I smiled a little?)

Hugs to you xxx

I read it...it made me smile. Sometimes humour gets us through stuff we have to cope with in life so don't be sorry. x

It will all work out okay. Believe that X

I have always loved this Charles Kingsley poem called Young and Old, think it sums life up:

from The Water Babies
    WHEN all the world is young, lad,
        And all the trees are green ;
    And every goose a swan, lad,
        And every lass a queen ;
    Then hey for boot and horse, lad,
        And round the world away ;
    Young blood must have its course, lad,
        And every dog his day.
    When all the world is old, lad,
        And all the trees are brown ;
    And all the sport is stale, lad,
        And all the wheels run down ;
    Creep home, and take your place there,
        The spent and maimed among :
    God grant you find one face there,
        You loved when all was young.



That's what people used to do, because they could look after the old and most people died so much younger.   These days, modern life makes it so much more complicated.

Thanks Eddie and Sassy. x

This poem always touched me, it was said to have been found by a nurse  in an old ladies belongings in hospital after she had passed away.

An Old Lady's Poem

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?

What are you thinking when you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman, not very wise,

uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply

When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"

Who seems not to notice the things that you do,

and forever is losing a stocking or shoe.....

Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,

with bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....

Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me

I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,

as I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten.with a father and mother,

brothers and sisters, who love one another A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,

dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty — my heart gives a leap,

remembering the vows that I promised to keep.

At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,

who need me to guide and a secure happy home.

A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,

bound to each other with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,

but my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,

again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;

I look at the future, I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing young of their own,

and I think of the years and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman/and nature is cruel;

Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles, grace and vigour depart,

and there is now a stone where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,

and now and again, my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys, I remember the pain,

and I'm loving and living life over again.

I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast,

and accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people, open and see,

not a crabby old woman; look closer, see ME!!

That is beautiful and sad and desperately true.

Even at this stage, when I can still do so much but a lot of it very painfully, I  know my outside shell does not match my inside heart.

sassy wrote:That is beautiful and sad and desperately true.

Even at this stage, when I can still do so much but a lot of it very painfully, I  know my outside shell does not match my inside heart.

That's a really poignant way of expressing how you feel Sassy.

Getting older is a challenge, especially when we see the generation older than us suffering....it's scary to think that could be us one day.
But....we are lucky in other ways so celebrate those good things cos nothing lasts forever. x

Syl wrote:

sassy wrote:That is beautiful and sad and desperately true.

Even at this stage, when I can still do so much but a lot of it very painfully, I  know my outside shell does not match my inside heart.

That's a really poignant way of expressing how you feel Sassy.

Getting older is a challenge, especially when we see the generation older than us suffering....it's scary to think that could be us one day.
But....we are lucky in other ways so celebrate those good things cos nothing lasts forever. x

Oh I do, as my Mum used to say - You need to be bloody strong to get old!!!


I'm for my bed, goodnight.

I think your mum was right.

Morning Sassy....anyone else who is around. x

Those poems are lovely.

I am probley older than anyone else here, i will know when it's time to go,
that time is rapidly approaching.
No one is going to feed me or wipe my arse!
I have Guns and Tablets.
I will go to wild and lonley places, [don't know witch yet, but will pick one].
I have done much in my life and never regreted anything!
When it's time to go i will say goodnight and God bless.

nicko wrote:I am probley older than anyone else here,   i will know when it's time to go,
that time is rapidly approaching.
No one is going to feed me or wipe my arse!
I have Guns and Tablets.
I will go to wild and lonley places, [don't know witch yet, but will pick one].
I have done much in my life and never regreted anything!
When it's time to go i will say goodnight and God bless.

Good for you.

sassy wrote:

Syl wrote:

That's a really poignant way of expressing how you feel Sassy.

Getting older is a challenge, especially when we see the generation older than us suffering....it's scary to think that could be us one day.
But....we are lucky in other ways so celebrate those good things cos nothing lasts forever. x

Oh I do, as my Mum used to say - You need to be bloody strong to get old!!!


I'm for my bed, goodnight.

Bette Davis got it right. Old age ain't for sissies!

nicko wrote:I am probley older than anyone else here,   i will know when it's time to go,
that time is rapidly approaching.
No one is going to feed me or wipe my arse!
I have Guns and Tablets.
I will go to wild and lonley places, [don't know witch yet, but will pick one].
I have done much in my life and never regreted anything!
When it's time to go i will say goodnight and God bless.

Oh Nicko. That makes me so sad.
You have probably got years in you!!

nicko wrote:I am probley older than anyone else here,   i will know when it's time to go,
that time is rapidly approaching.
No one is going to feed me or wipe my arse!
I have Guns and Tablets.
I will go to wild and lonley places, [don't know witch yet, but will pick one].
I have done much in my life and never regreted anything!
When it's time to go i will say goodnight and God bless.

Actually that sounds pretty idyllic, I hope that time doesn't come to soon though.
75 is not old nowadays.....as long as a person is relatively fit in mind and body age is irrelevant imo.

Just a quick update on MIL condition.
She is still in hospital, she doesn't need to be because she isn't ill as such.
We have been given a list of care homes with suitable nursing staff that can meet her needs. There are only four in the area who are equipped to deal with her, the average waiting list is eight months.

So...we are waiting for people to die so she can move up on the list....in the meantime she is taking a hospital bed up in a ward where there are violent and aggressive patients, who no doubt are waiting for suitable placements in care homes that can accommodate their needs.

It's no fun getting old in the UK.

sassy wrote:Well Syl, moved in with Dad beginning of June and he has deteriorated since then.   It's challenging to say the least, some days he's my Dad, some days he's not very nice and I have to keep hold of every bit of patience I possess.   The thing is, I know he would not go into a home, and having had my Mum in one because of dementia and me being too ill to nurse her at the time, although it was a nice one I hated her being there, I don't want him in one either.   But it's hard going, rewarding, frustrating, heartwarming, exhausting etc etc all at the same time.   If I didn't have my OH's full support and my brother and wife coming often to give us a break, I'd never be able to manage it.

I have wondered many times how people manage this dire situation yet still spend hours on forums and other things they tell us about.

I have had really sensible debate on this subject with distinguished furumuz over the years, the thing which comes over loud and clear is it is not easy and mostly left for one family member to do.

I believe there are more sh**holes out there than good ones

I have had mega rowz, discussionz at senior council level over the years, not for a while now though.

It is heartbreaking to look after poorly elderly relatives where your best seems never good enough.

Some get banged into a home and not visited until Christmas when greedy relatives come out of the woodwork looking for a present, usually money.

Over the years we have spent a bomb on care home.

Now, we have 3 just outside the family membuz in care with dementia, these were high flyers in the commercial world, it getz everyone eventually.

.

Major wrote:

sassy wrote:Well Syl, moved in with Dad beginning of June and he has deteriorated since then.   It's challenging to say the least, some days he's my Dad, some days he's not very nice and I have to keep hold of every bit of patience I possess.   The thing is, I know he would not go into a home, and having had my Mum in one because of dementia and me being too ill to nurse her at the time, although it was a nice one I hated her being there, I don't want him in one either.   But it's hard going, rewarding, frustrating, heartwarming, exhausting etc etc all at the same time.   If I didn't have my OH's full support and my brother and wife coming often to give us a break, I'd never be able to manage it.

I have wondered many times how people manage this dire situation yet still spend hours on forums and other things they tell us about.

What's your point?
That's twice I've had to ask you what your posts are getting at today. You're being rude and provocative for no reason.

Sort it out. I'm not kidding.

Major wrote:

sassy wrote:Well Syl, moved in with Dad beginning of June and he has deteriorated since then.   It's challenging to say the least, some days he's my Dad, some days he's not very nice and I have to keep hold of every bit of patience I possess.   The thing is, I know he would not go into a home, and having had my Mum in one because of dementia and me being too ill to nurse her at the time, although it was a nice one I hated her being there, I don't want him in one either.   But it's hard going, rewarding, frustrating, heartwarming, exhausting etc etc all at the same time.   If I didn't have my OH's full support and my brother and wife coming often to give us a break, I'd never be able to manage it.

I have wondered many times how people manage this dire situation yet still spend hours on forums and other things they tell us about.

you have been warned in the past..... You may wish to consider that HA's claims of my R/W bias are a load of hot air......

PACK IT IN........

Major wrote:

sassy wrote:Well Syl, moved in with Dad beginning of June and he has deteriorated since then.   It's challenging to say the least, some days he's my Dad, some days he's not very nice and I have to keep hold of every bit of patience I possess.   The thing is, I know he would not go into a home, and having had my Mum in one because of dementia and me being too ill to nurse her at the time, although it was a nice one I hated her being there, I don't want him in one either.   But it's hard going, rewarding, frustrating, heartwarming, exhausting etc etc all at the same time.   If I didn't have my OH's full support and my brother and wife coming often to give us a break, I'd never be able to manage it.

I have wondered many times how people manage this dire situation yet still spend hours on forums and other things they tell us about.

Sassy hasn't been on here posting regularly for some time. So, your statement is unfair.

I referred to "PEOPLE" not Sassy, READ THAT WHICH I SCRIBE NOT THAT WHICH YOU ASSUME.
Mind you, you are not the only one who cannot or will not read as written.