What Makes A True Friend?

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What Makes A True Friend?


The Japanese have a term, kenzoku, which translated literally means "family." The connotation suggests a bond between people who've made a similar commitment and who possibly therefore share a similar destiny. It implies the presence of the deepest connection of friendship, of lives lived as comrades from the distant past.

Many of us have people in our lives with whom we feel the bond described by the word kenzoku. They may be family members, a mother, a brother, a daughter, a cousin. Or a friend from grammar school with whom we haven't talked in decades. Time and distance do nothing to diminish the bond we have with these kinds of friends.

The question then arises: why do we have the kind of chemistry encapsulated by the word kenzoku with only a few people we know and not scores of others? The closer we look for the answer the more elusive it becomes. It may not in fact be possible to know, but the characteristics that define a kenzoku relationship most certainly are.

WHAT DRAWS PEOPLE TOGETHER AS FRIENDS?

Common interests.
This probably ties us closer to our friends than many would like to admit. When our interests diverge and we can find nothing to enjoy jointly, time spent together tends to rapidly diminish. Not that we can't still care deeply about friends with whom we no longer share common interests, but it's probably uncommon for such friends to interact on a regular basis.

History.
Nothing ties people together, even people with little in common, than having gone through the same difficult experience. As the sole glue to keep friendships whole in the long run, however, it often dries, cracks, and ultimately fails.
Common values.
Though not necessarily enough to create a friendship, if values are too divergent, it's difficult for a friendship to thrive.

Equality.
If one friend needs the support of the other on a consistent basis such that the person depended upon receives no benefit other than the opportunity to support and encourage, while the relationship may be significant and valuable, it can't be said to define a true friendship.

But...

WHAT MAKES A FRIEND WORTHY OF THE NAME?

A commitment to your happiness:. A true friend is consistently willing to put your happiness before your friendship. It's said that "good advice grates on the ear," but a true friend won't refrain from telling you something you don't want to hear, something that may even risk fracturing the friendship, if hearing it lies in your best interest. A true friend will not lack the mercy to correct you when you're wrong. A true friend will confront you with your drinking problem as quickly as inform you about a malignant-looking skin lesion on your back that you can't see yourself.

Not asking you to place the friendship before your principles. A true friend won't ask you to compromise your principles in the name of your friendship or anything else. Ever.

A good influence. A true friend inspires you to live up to your best potential, not to indulge your basest drives.


Of course, we may have friends who fit all these criteria and still don't quite feel kenzoku. There still seems to be an extra factor, an attraction similar to that which draws people together romantically, that cements friends together irrevocably, often immediately, for no reason either person can identify.

But when you find these people, these kenzoku, they're like priceless gems.
They're like finding home.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201002/what-makes-true-friend


I know I have true friends, I can physically feel it when I'm around them.

Would you add to this list?

I'd also ask the question, is this list different with online friends? I'd say it's the same.

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


Great they can reply on you, what you are not explaining to me, is why you would get so upset over them wanting to change plans if it means furture happiness for them?
You are again in one instant placing them first but again based on your actual needs.
Read what you are saying, you have high expectations and when you have high expectations, then you are going to find yourself feeling let down.
The simple fact you are getting verbal states to me you have been let down as it would explain why you are making such a big thing over nothing

You talk about "future happiness" as if that's only achievable via a "partner". I consider that friends also contribute to future and present happiness. If you're prepared to ditch a friend in those circumstances, it's very selfish of you, and you don't deserve any friends.

My friends benefit from my point of view because they know that if a gorgeous man asked me out on the night I had arranged to meet them, I'd tell him I couldn't go at that particular time.

That is you wrongly assuming that this is the only choice of happiness, I am pointing out it is a route to happiness for many.
Again its about what you consider Rags, then its based around your needs and the friendship is based then on your needs.

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


Why is it important?
Its only important to you then is it not?
Its again being based on your needs

As I said, it benefits my friends too because they know they can rely on me. That's a good thing.

Does it benefit your friends if your expectations are to high and you expect so much of them?
You see again its based on your needs or what you think should be their needs.

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

You talk about "future happiness" as if that's only achievable via a "partner". I consider that friends also contribute to future and present happiness. If you're prepared to ditch a friend in those circumstances, it's very selfish of you, and you don't deserve any friends.

My friends benefit from my point of view because they know that if a gorgeous man asked me out on the night I had arranged to meet them, I'd tell him I couldn't go at that particular time.

That is you wrongly assuming that this is the only choice of happiness, I am pointing out it is a route to happiness for many.
Again its about what you consider Rags, then its based around your needs and the friendship is based then on your needs.

It's based on a mutual respect. If I don't change arrangements just because I get another offer, I expect the same of others. I don't agree with your stance, and there's an end to it. It's how I think, and I don't lack friends, so it seems to work just fine.

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

As I said, it benefits my friends too because they know they can rely on me. That's a good thing.

Does it benefit your friends if your expectations are to high and you expect so much of them?
You see again its based on your needs or what you think should be their needs.

Of course it benefits them because they know I won't ditch them at the drop of a hat.

Ben Reilly wrote:A true friend is someone who understands that in some circumstances, your needs come first.

You'd call me up and go "Yo edds, gonna have to cancel cos I might get a shag!" ?

Pffffff.

Actually I would reply "ok cool, have a good one" because I am not an idiot. The fact you asked me first, or rather didn't lie about why you wanted to cancel would be enoigh for me.
I wouldn't like it if you kept doing it though.

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


Does it benefit your friends if your expectations are to high and you expect so much of them?
You see again its based on your needs or what you think should be their needs.

Of course it benefits them because they know I won't ditch them at the drop of a hat.

Again i would question that if there is any benefit when you can easily get upset with them, if they change plans.
Its again based on your expectations, not theirs.
Are you seriously telling me, you would be that bothered and upset if asked to change plans?
Seriously?
If yes, then you do take too much to heart, as its not personally against you.
Like again there could be many reasons why someone might change plans, and its all about being reasonable.
Having too high an expectation will only continually lead to disappointments

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


That is you wrongly assuming that this is the only choice of happiness, I am pointing out it is a route to happiness for many.
Again its about what you consider Rags, then its based around your needs and the friendship is based then on your needs.

It's based on a mutual respect. If I don't change arrangements just because I get another offer, I expect the same of others. I don't agree with your stance, and there's an end to it. It's how I think, and I don't lack friends, so it seems to work just fine.

is it mutual respect when if as i am explaining you could be unreasonble by this?
Are you then again lacking respect for them as again the expectations are coming from you?

eddie wrote:

Ben Reilly wrote:A true friend is someone who understands that in some circumstances, your needs come first.

You'd call me up and go "Yo edds, gonna have to cancel cos I might get a shag!" ?

Pffffff.

Actually I would reply "ok cool, have a good one" because I am not an idiot. The fact you asked me first, or rather didn't lie about why you wanted to cancel would be enoigh for me.
I wouldn't like it if you kept doing it though.

Rags? Wouldn't the above, be ok with you?

eddie wrote:

Ben Reilly wrote:A true friend is someone who understands that in some circumstances, your needs come first.

You'd call me up and go "Yo edds, gonna have to cancel cos I might get a shag!" ?

Pffffff.

Actually I would reply "ok cool, have a good one" because I am not an idiot. The fact you asked me first, or rather didn't lie about why you wanted to cancel would be enoigh for me.
I wouldn't like it if you kept doing it though.

I do not believe he was implying this in this case.
Like for example your friend is poorly and thus her needs will always come first at the moment.
Just as if one of your children or husband was poorly, there needs will come first.
If someone is unhappy because they are single, would you then deny them that chance of a date?
Its all about as i said being reasonble dependent on the situation.
A true friend will always understand.

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

Of course it benefits them because they know I won't ditch them at the drop of a hat.

Again i would question that if there is any benefit when you can easily get upset with them, if they change plans.
Its again based on your expectations, not theirs.
Are you seriously telling me, you would be that bothered and upset if asked to change plans?
Seriously?
If yes, then you do take too much to heart, as its not personally against you.
Like again there could be many reasons why someone might change plans, and its all about being reasonable.
Having too high an expectation will only continually lead to disappointments

FFS, stop telling me how I should be with my friends. You don't know me, and you don't know them either. I doubt you have any friends the way you ramble on all the time. I don't bother with unreliable people, and I'm reliable myself, so it works both ways.

eddie wrote:

eddie wrote:

You'd call me up and go "Yo edds, gonna have to cancel cos I might get a shag!" ?

Pffffff.

Actually I would reply "ok cool, have a good one" because I am not an idiot. The fact you asked me first, or rather didn't lie about why you wanted to cancel would be enoigh for me.
I wouldn't like it if you kept doing it though.

Rags? Wouldn't the above, be ok with you?

No. I'd tell them to go and get a shag another night. Besides, a friend who cancels for that reason is likely to be generally unreliable.

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


Again i would question that if there is any benefit when you can easily get upset with them, if they change plans.
Its again based on your expectations, not theirs.
Are you seriously telling me, you would be that bothered and upset if asked to change plans?
Seriously?
If yes, then you do take too much to heart, as its not personally against you.
Like again there could be many reasons why someone might change plans, and its all about being reasonable.
Having too high an expectation will only continually lead to disappointments

FFS, stop telling me how I should be with my friends. You don't know me, and you don't know them either. I doubt you have any friends the way you ramble on all the time. I don't bother with unreliable people, and I'm reliable myself, so it works both ways.

See taking this personally again

I am advising you, for you to think I am dictating further proves my point on you taking things too much to heart.

Again the truest friend is an understanding friend, not one easily upset over something so trivial.

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

FFS, stop telling me how I should be with my friends. You don't know me, and you don't know them either. I doubt you have any friends the way you ramble on all the time. I don't bother with unreliable people, and I'm reliable myself, so it works both ways.

See taking this personally again

I am advising you, for you to think I am dictating further proves my point on you taking things too much to heart.

Again the truest friend is an understanding friend, not one easily upset over something so trivial.

You're making it personal. You're judging me and you don't know me. You stick to your kind of "friends", and I'll stick to mine. It works for me, and I don't need your advice. In fact, your advice sucks IMO.

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


See taking this personally again

I am advising you, for you to think I am dictating further proves my point on you taking things too much to heart.

Again the truest friend is an understanding friend, not one easily upset over something so trivial.

You're making it personal. You're judging me and you don't know me. You stick to your kind of "friends", and I'll stick to mine. It works for me, and I don't need your advice. In fact, your advice sucks IMO.

Yet again taking this too much to heart.
I am just honest to what I perceive and then people end up proving me right as you are doiing by taking this personally.
You se its all about trust issues this when people fear being let down.
Its ourselves who we allow to feel let down.
So again you are taking this too much to heart, you were being offensive, which I ignored and again over something trivial, me just offering my views.
That says more about you than me rags

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

You're making it personal. You're judging me and you don't know me. You stick to your kind of "friends", and I'll stick to mine. It works for me, and I don't need your advice. In fact, your advice sucks IMO.

Yet again taking this too much to heart.
I am just honest to what I perceive and then people end up proving me right as you are doiing by taking this personally.
You se its all about trust issues this when people fear being let down.
Its ourselves who we allow to feel let down.
So again you are taking this too much to heart, you were being offensive, which I ignored and again over something trivial, me just offering my views.
That says more about you than me rags

I perceive you to be a very bad friend who knows nothing about true friendship. I suspect that your acquaintances never become friends because you tell them how to think and behave all the time.

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


Yet again taking this too much to heart.
I am just honest to what I perceive and then people end up proving me right as you are doiing by taking this personally.
You se its all about trust issues this when people fear being let down.
Its ourselves who we allow to feel let down.
So again you are taking this too much to heart, you were being offensive, which I ignored and again over something trivial, me just offering my views.
That says more about you than me rags

I perceive you to be a very bad friend who knows nothing about true friendship. I suspect that your acquaintances never become friends because you tell them how to think and behave all the time.

If I am always placing my friends needs first, then reason how that would make me a bad friend?
If they place my needs based on circumstances as explained, how would that make them a bad friend?

You see you are not a bad friend, but can be a poor one, if you allow yourself to be or get bothered over something like metting being cancelled. Its not the end of the world, yet you are treating it as such and people only do this when they have trust issues.

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

I perceive you to be a very bad friend who knows nothing about true friendship. I suspect that your acquaintances never become friends because you tell them how to think and behave all the time.

If I am always placing my friends needs first, then reason how that would make me a bad friend?
If they place my needs based on circumstances as explained, how would that make them a bad friend?

You see you are not a bad friend, but can be a poor one, if you allow yourself to be or get bothered over something like metting being cancelled. Its not the end of the world, yet you are treating it as such and people only do this when they have trust issues.

I'm a very good friend - I'm loyal and reliable, and my friends don't think I'm a "poor" friend at all. You clearly don't value those things, which would make you a bad friend.

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


If I am always placing my friends needs first, then reason how that would make me a bad friend?
If they place my needs based on circumstances as explained, how would that make them a bad friend?

You see you are not a bad friend, but can be a poor one, if you allow yourself to be or get bothered over something like metting being cancelled. Its not the end of the world, yet you are treating it as such and people only do this when they have trust issues.

I'm a very good friend - I'm loyal and reliable, and my friends don't think I'm a "poor" friend at all. You clearly don't value those things, which would make you a bad friend.

So you could not reason my questions.
I am sure jesus thinks you are a great friend, as he will never let you down 
You then claim I do not value, when I stated I place their needs first as they would of me, so how is that not placing value on the friendship?
What you are saying is that people do not value their friendship, unless they get upset over something that is not a big deal.

Why did you have to mention Jesus and mock her religion? So predictable Didge.

No wonder Didge has no friends ...

eddie wrote:Why did you have to mention Jesus and mock her religion? So predictable Didge.

That was light humour where actually Christians count on one person as being their true friend, Jesus
That comes from a catholic upbring, but here again is a perfect example of your bias
She was being vindictive claiming I had no friends.
i was being light hearted by the smile

Thnk you again for proving my point and you are upset because again i showed you were being biased earlier, hence why you are jumping in here

Didge, I need to keep reminding you of this: you CANNOT upset me. And didn't read your posts really I was only replying to Quill because he was talking shit.

eddie wrote:Didge, I need to keep reminding you of this: you CANNOT upset me. And didn't read your posts really I was only replying to Quill because he was talking shit.

You are upset and its obvious how you only pulled me up wrongly and never spoke to Rags.
Again your view on Quill is subjective and he certainly is far more intelligent than you.
I do not agree on his left and right wing views, but he can easily see you are biased and far from honest

eddie wrote:Didge, I need to keep reminding you of this: you CANNOT upset me. And didn't read your posts really I was only replying to Quill because he was talking shit.

Why does anyone even interact with this clown? It's amusing watching it all unfold though.

HoratioTarr wrote:

eddie wrote:Didge, I need to keep reminding you of this: you CANNOT upset me. And didn't read your posts really I was only replying to Quill because he was talking shit.

Why does anyone even interact with this clown?   It's amusing watching it all unfold though.

There you go, again no abuse shown to horatio and she throws abuse herself making again a mockery of her claims on wolf.

Thank you

eddie wrote:Didge, I need to keep reminding you of this: you CANNOT upset me. And didn't read your posts really I was only replying to Quill because he was talking shit.

You could write a song about it. A techno piece perhaps, or in the style of Kool Keith.

HoratioTarr wrote:

eddie wrote:Didge, I need to keep reminding you of this: you CANNOT upset me. And didn't read your posts really I was only replying to Quill because he was talking shit.

You could write a song about it.   A techno piece perhaps, or in the style of Kool Keith.

Or she could just start by being honest.

Boring. Change the record Didge for the love of my eyeballs.

eddie wrote:Boring. Change the record Didge for the love of my eyeballs.

For the sake of your girlie fan club?
lol or for you.

Again you ignored Rags being rude and jumped on me, when I was not being rude.

Conclusion

Biased

By the way, your Jesus joke? Not funny.
And you knew it.

eddie wrote:By the way, your Jesus joke? Not funny.
And you knew it.

That is because you understand zero about Christianity.
Again this is the problem you have, your inability to understand or grasp anything.
Motive by Rags and horatio was being rude.
You made zero comment to them
The fact is Christians do believe Jesus is the one friend to be counted on.
That is a matter and aspect of their faith.
My motive and intent was in good nature.

So again you are wrong and do not even have the deceny to say:

"Didge, sorry I mistook and should have pulled up the others."

Conclusion

Biased

Good. That's settled then.

Aaaaaand rest.

eddie wrote:Good. That's settled then.

Aaaaaand rest.

You make me smile.

HoratioTarr wrote:

eddie wrote:Good. That's settled then.

Aaaaaand rest.

You make me smile.

I'm glad. I make myself smile a little too.

eddie wrote:

HoratioTarr wrote:

You make me smile.

I'm glad. I make myself smile a little too.

It's good to be jocular.

HoratioTarr wrote:

eddie wrote:

HoratioTarr wrote:

You make me smile.

I'm glad. I make myself smile a little too.

It's good to be jocular.

Exactement.

Someone whom I look forward to spending time with

A true friend freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably. William Penn

You want a friend who's going to tell you the truth. That's what it's about. If you don't have a friend who's going to tell you the truth every time something comes up, you feel like he's not a true friend. Donald Driver