What Makes A True Friend?

What Makes A True Friend?


The Japanese have a term, kenzoku, which translated literally means "family." The connotation suggests a bond between people who've made a similar commitment and who possibly therefore share a similar destiny. It implies the presence of the deepest connection of friendship, of lives lived as comrades from the distant past.

Many of us have people in our lives with whom we feel the bond described by the word kenzoku. They may be family members, a mother, a brother, a daughter, a cousin. Or a friend from grammar school with whom we haven't talked in decades. Time and distance do nothing to diminish the bond we have with these kinds of friends.

The question then arises: why do we have the kind of chemistry encapsulated by the word kenzoku with only a few people we know and not scores of others? The closer we look for the answer the more elusive it becomes. It may not in fact be possible to know, but the characteristics that define a kenzoku relationship most certainly are.

WHAT DRAWS PEOPLE TOGETHER AS FRIENDS?

Common interests.
This probably ties us closer to our friends than many would like to admit. When our interests diverge and we can find nothing to enjoy jointly, time spent together tends to rapidly diminish. Not that we can't still care deeply about friends with whom we no longer share common interests, but it's probably uncommon for such friends to interact on a regular basis.

History.
Nothing ties people together, even people with little in common, than having gone through the same difficult experience. As the sole glue to keep friendships whole in the long run, however, it often dries, cracks, and ultimately fails.
Common values.
Though not necessarily enough to create a friendship, if values are too divergent, it's difficult for a friendship to thrive.

Equality.
If one friend needs the support of the other on a consistent basis such that the person depended upon receives no benefit other than the opportunity to support and encourage, while the relationship may be significant and valuable, it can't be said to define a true friendship.

But...

WHAT MAKES A FRIEND WORTHY OF THE NAME?

A commitment to your happiness:. A true friend is consistently willing to put your happiness before your friendship. It's said that "good advice grates on the ear," but a true friend won't refrain from telling you something you don't want to hear, something that may even risk fracturing the friendship, if hearing it lies in your best interest. A true friend will not lack the mercy to correct you when you're wrong. A true friend will confront you with your drinking problem as quickly as inform you about a malignant-looking skin lesion on your back that you can't see yourself.

Not asking you to place the friendship before your principles. A true friend won't ask you to compromise your principles in the name of your friendship or anything else. Ever.

A good influence. A true friend inspires you to live up to your best potential, not to indulge your basest drives.


Of course, we may have friends who fit all these criteria and still don't quite feel kenzoku. There still seems to be an extra factor, an attraction similar to that which draws people together romantically, that cements friends together irrevocably, often immediately, for no reason either person can identify.

But when you find these people, these kenzoku, they're like priceless gems.
They're like finding home.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201002/what-makes-true-friend


I know I have true friends, I can physically feel it when I'm around them.

Would you add to this list?

I'd also ask the question, is this list different with online friends? I'd say it's the same.

Well I seem to have no friends on here

I'm your friend. But that means you still don't have any cool friends here

Ben Reilly wrote:I'm your friend. But that means you still don't have any cool friends here

That's true.

eddie wrote:Well I seem to have no friends on here

I wasn't here when this thread was posted...I LIKE threads like this.

What makes a true friend to me....someone who you always feel comfortable with, who takes the bad with the good, can be relied on, trusted, and listens to you with interest and words of encouragement when everything in your life is going tits up....even if they have heard it all before. They also laugh with you as well as cry with you.

Course to have a true friend like this you also have to be one in return.  

The secret is simple.

Your best and truest friend, should be the same person you love.
Sometimes the best friendships are within family themselves, people who in the main you can rely and trust on.

I love this clip



Still kids at heart

I love to see couples like those two.

Its a heart song. A person who hears the same inner music, that you do.

Syl wrote:  I love to see couples like those two.

Me too syl

eddie wrote:Its a heart song. A person who hears the same inner music, that you do.

A 'Heart song'...I love that expression.

On test of true friendship is that you both feel comfortable if you sit silently together.  In relaxed company it's natural to have occasional  short gaps in the conversation. Anyone who has a compulsive need to  fill all such gaps can take a hike.

Syl wrote:

eddie wrote:Its a heart song. A person who hears the same inner music, that you do.

A 'Heart song'...I love that expression.

Me too. Love is like music, I think.

Someone who doesn't cancel an arrangement with you if they get a better offer.

Raggamuffin wrote:Someone who doesn't cancel an arrangement with you if they get a better offer.

Now how could anyone get a better offer than a night with you, rags?

eddie wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:Someone who doesn't cancel an arrangement with you if they get a better offer.

Now how could anyone get a better offer than a night with you, rags?

That's very sweet of you eddie.

Raggamuffin wrote:Someone who doesn't cancel an arrangement with you if they get a better offer.

Was the other offer a date?

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:Someone who doesn't cancel an arrangement with you if they get a better offer.

Was the other offer a date?

I'm speaking generally of course. Yes - female friends who cancel if they get an offer from a man.

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


Was the other offer a date?

I'm speaking generally of course. Yes - female friends who cancel if they get an offer from a man.

lol, okay there is two ways i would look at this.
If they were a true close friend, then i would be happy to cancel and rearrange for another time, as their happiness is important to me.

If however they consitantly blow you out, for others, irrespective of whether its a date or other friends, then that is different and they are simply using the person for their own needs and the friendship would be only one way.

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

I'm speaking generally of course. Yes - female friends who cancel if they get an offer from a man.

lol, okay there is two ways i would look at this.
If they were a true close friend, then i would be happy to cancel and rearrange for another time, as their happiness is important to me.

If however they consitantly blow you out, for others, irrespective of whether its a date or other friends, then that is different and they are simply using the person for their own needs and the friendship would be only one way.

If they have a prior arrangement with me, they can arrange to meet the bloke another time.

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


lol, okay there is two ways i would look at this.
If they were a true close friend, then i would be happy to cancel and rearrange for another time, as their happiness is important to me.

If however they consitantly blow you out, for others, irrespective of whether its a date or other friends, then that is different and they are simply using the person for their own needs and the friendship would be only one way.

If they have a prior arrangement with me, they can arrange to meet the bloke another time.

Why?
Its a date, do you not want your friend to me someone new and be happy or at least have the chance of happiness?
I would, as again its one night in the year, which again the prior importance is for the person out meeting someone new.
I am already their friend.

Maybe it's different for guys -- we would never obstruct our friends, or expect our friends to obstruct us from, a possibility of getting laid

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

I'm speaking generally of course. Yes - female friends who cancel if they get an offer from a man.

lol, okay there is two ways i would look at this.
If they were a true close friend, then i would be happy to cancel and rearrange for another time, as their happiness is important to me.

If however they consitantly blow you out, for others, irrespective of whether its a date or other friends, then that is different and they are simply using the person for their own needs and the friendship would be only one way.

If they have a prior arrangement with me, they can arrange to meet the bloke another time.

I agree. I wouldn't cancel a mate for a date.

Ben Reilly wrote:Maybe it's different for guys -- we would never obstruct our friends, or expect our friends to obstruct us from, a possibility of getting laid

You mean it's not all about romance and stuff?

Ben Reilly wrote:Maybe it's different for guys -- we would never obstruct our friends, or expect our friends to obstruct us from, a possibility of getting laid

To be fair it's the same for women (mostly) but you can't cancel on a mate!

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

If they have a prior arrangement with me, they can arrange to meet the bloke another time.

Why?
Its a date, do you not want your friend to me someone new and be happy or at least have the chance of happiness?
I would, as again its one night in the year, which again the prior importance is for the person out meeting someone new.
I am already their friend.

So they can meet him another night. I wouldn't cancel for that reason. If going on a date is more important, they're not much of a friend.

What do you mean, it's one night in the year?

eddie wrote:

Ben Reilly wrote:Maybe it's different for guys -- we would never obstruct our friends, or expect our friends to obstruct us from, a possibility of getting laid

To be fair it's the same for women (mostly) but you can't cancel on a mate!

You might gain a man, or you might not, but you also might lose a friend.

Ben Reilly wrote:Maybe it's different for guys -- we would never obstruct our friends, or expect our friends to obstruct us from, a possibility of getting laid

That is true for male mates sometimes, but I would not have the same reasoning for female mates lol

Again placing yourself first before nyour friend is selfish.

Plain and simple and its not like you are never going to see them again

To get upset over that is being over emotional and again selfish.

You are placing your needs above theirs.

It may mean they are selfish also, but the fact is if you do the same, it makes that person no better.

I have happilly cancelled for friends due to changes of plans

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


Why?
Its a date, do you not want your friend to me someone new and be happy or at least have the chance of happiness?
I would, as again its one night in the year, which again the prior importance is for the person out meeting someone new.
I am already their friend.

So they can meet him another night. I wouldn't cancel for that reason. If going on a date is more important, they're not much of a friend.

What do you mean, it's one night in the year?

Then you are being as selfish as you perceive them to be.

Its that simple Rags

A tue friend will rearrange

Didge wrote:

Ben Reilly wrote:Maybe it's different for guys -- we would never obstruct our friends, or expect our friends to obstruct us from, a possibility of getting laid

That is true for male mates sometimes, but I would not have the same reasoning for female mates lol

Again placing yourself first before nyour friend is selfish.

Plain and simple and its not like you are never going to see them again

To get upset over that is being over emotional and again selfish.

You are placing your needs above theirs.

It may mean they are selfish also, but the fact is if you do the same, it makes that person no better.

I have happilly cancelled for friends due to changes of plans

It's not selfish at all. If you make an arrangement with someone you should stick to it, and not cancel if you get another offer.

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

So they can meet him another night. I wouldn't cancel for that reason. If going on a date is more important, they're not much of a friend.

What do you mean, it's one night in the year?

Then you are being as selfish as you perceive them to be.

Its that simple Rags

A tue friend will rearrange

I'm being selfish for keeping to a prior arrangement? How does that work in your mind then?

A true friend will tell the bloke that she can't meet that night, and ask him to name another night.

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


Then you are being as selfish as you perceive them to be.

Its that simple Rags

A tue friend will rearrange

I'm being selfish for keeping to a prior arrangement? How does that work in your mind then?

A true friend will tell the bloke that she can't meet that night, and ask him to name another night.

No a true friend will place the other friend first

You are not thinking this through.

If both do not place the other first

Then neither of you are true friends

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


That is true for male mates sometimes, but I would not have the same reasoning for female mates lol

Again placing yourself first before nyour friend is selfish.

Plain and simple and its not like you are never going to see them again

To get upset over that is being over emotional and again selfish.

You are placing your needs above theirs.

It may mean they are selfish also, but the fact is if you do the same, it makes that person no better.

I have happilly cancelled for friends due to changes of plans

It's not selfish at all. If you make an arrangement with someone you should stick to it, and not cancel if you get another offer.

SIts fundementally selfish, as you are thinking only of yourself.

Its the same with the other friend as well

That is what you fail to grasp

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

I'm being selfish for keeping to a prior arrangement? How does that work in your mind then?

A true friend will tell the bloke that she can't meet that night, and ask him to name another night.

No a true friend will place the other friend first

You are not thinking this through.

If both do not place the other first

Then neither of you are true friends

That's right, so if they made an arrangement to meet their friend, they wouldn't break it because they got another offer.

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

It's not selfish at all. If you make an arrangement with someone you should stick to it, and not cancel if you get another offer.

SIts fundementally selfish, as you are thinking only of yourself.

Its the same with the other friend as well

That is what you fail to grasp

So if a bloke asked me out, and I said that I couldn't go that night because I had a prior arrangement to meet a friend, that would mean I was only thinking of myself? You have some strange ideas Didge.

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


No a true friend will place the other friend first

You are not thinking this through.

If both do not place the other first

Then neither of you are true friends

That's right, so if they made an arrangement to meet their friend, they wouldn't break it because they got another offer.

Of course they would if of course they are meeting someone new who is a potential boyfriend of girlfriend.
This happiness will take priority, if you think yours does based on that, then again you are being selfish
Both are still being selfish, but there is levels here

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

That's right, so if they made an arrangement to meet their friend, they wouldn't break it because they got another offer.

Of course they would if of course they are meeting someone new who is a potential boyfriend of girlfriend.
This happiness will take priority, if you think yours does based on that, then again you are being selfish
Both are still being selfish, but there is levels here

So you think of friends as just random people to fill in the time until you meet a potential girlfriend? I guess that makes you a rubbish friend.

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


SIts fundementally selfish, as you are thinking only of yourself.

Its the same with the other friend as well

That is what you fail to grasp

So if a bloke asked me out, and I said that I couldn't go that night because I had a prior arrangement to meet a friend, that would mean I was only thinking of myself? You have some strange ideas Didge.

That was you placing your friend first and not the man and no doubt not having you call you again, as it would sem you were not interested. If people cannot cancel plans due to a fear they may upset their friend, then i would question the freindship altogether in the first place. That is what you are fundementally saying and its again based off a negative that you are acting off, that you feel you are being let down, when you fail to see the psoitive they could be meeting someone who they end up being happy with

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


Of course they would if of course they are meeting someone new who is a potential boyfriend of girlfriend.
This happiness will take priority, if you think yours does based on that, then again you are being selfish
Both are still being selfish, but there is levels here

So you think of friends as just random people to fill in the time until you meet a potential girlfriend? I guess that makes you a rubbish friend.

Nope, again what did I already say about someone who consistantly lets you down compared to someone who is asking you just to cancel for a date to rearrange?

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

So if a bloke asked me out, and I said that I couldn't go that night because I had a prior arrangement to meet a friend, that would mean I was only thinking of myself? You have some strange ideas Didge.

That was you placing your friend first and not the man and no doubt not having you call you again, as it would sem you were not interested. If people cannot cancel plans due to a fear they may upset their friend, then i would question the freindship altogether in the first place. That is what you are fundementally saying and its again based off a negative that you are acting off, that you feel you are being let down, when you fail to see the psoitive they could be meeting someone who they end up being happy with

I place the person I made the arrangement with first. If a friend wanted me to cancel a date with a man, I would tell my friend that I had a prior arrangement and we can go out another time.

It's you who doesn't appreciate real friendship - you would drop a friend at the drop of a hat if someone asked you on a date.

A true friend is someone who understands that in some circumstances, your needs come first.

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


That was you placing your friend first and not the man and no doubt not having you call you again, as it would sem you were not interested. If people cannot cancel plans due to a fear they may upset their friend, then i would question the freindship altogether in the first place. That is what you are fundementally saying and its again based off a negative that you are acting off, that you feel you are being let down, when you fail to see the psoitive they could be meeting someone who they end up being happy with

I place the person I made the arrangement with first. If a friend wanted me to cancel a date with a man, I would tell my friend that I had a prior arrangement and we can go out another time.

It's you who doesn't appreciate real friendship - you would drop a friend at the drop of a hat if someone asked you on a date.

Then you take things to much to heart, as if its personal that people may decide to change plans as again for the purpose of meeting someone knew. The fact you are acting offended by your replies shows its you that can end up pusing people away because you do get easily offended on something which is not important in the big scheme of things, because if you think it is again it will bve because you are again thinking only of yoursellf
Its that simple
Someone is merely asking to rearrange the night because they have a date.
I think the proble is Rags, people have sadly used you and its made you very defensive and you have lost a lot of trust in people

If a man asked me out, and I said I couldn't go on the day he suggested because I had a prior arrangement, and he never called again, I would say he was no great loss.

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

I place the person I made the arrangement with first. If a friend wanted me to cancel a date with a man, I would tell my friend that I had a prior arrangement and we can go out another time.

It's you who doesn't appreciate real friendship - you would drop a friend at the drop of a hat if someone asked you on a date.

Then you take things to much to heart, as if its personal that people may decide to change plans as again for the purpose of meeting someone knew. The fact you are acting offended by your replies shows its you that can end up pusing people away because you do get easily offended on something which is not important in the big scheme of things, because if you think it is again it will bve because you are again thinking only of yoursellf
Its that simple
Someone is merely asking to rearrange the night because they have a date.
I think the proble is Rags, people have sadly used you and its made you very defensive and you have lost a lot of trust in people

I consider myself to be a loyal and reliable friend. If I make an arrangement to meet a friend, I keep to it and I'm on time. They know they can rely on me, and there's nothing wrong with expecting the same from them. I don't arrange to meet a friend on condition that if I get another offer, I'll drop them. An arrangement is an arrangement.

Where you got that shite about being used from is a mystery to me. I'd say you push your friends away because you use them to fill in the time until you get a better offer.

Raggamuffin wrote:If a man asked me out, and I said I couldn't go on the day he suggested because I had a prior arrangement, and he never called again, I would say he was no great loss.

I would agree with you on the man rags, but you miss the point here and it boils down to selfishness and needs people have.
So where I have some friends very insecure or some who get upset easily if let down, I try to accomdate around that, but if their needs come first on a date, I know to not stand in their way or be upset over again something that is trivial.
Its just one night.

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:If a man asked me out, and I said I couldn't go on the day he suggested because I had a prior arrangement, and he never called again, I would say he was no great loss.

I would agree with you on the man rags, but you miss the point here and it boils down to selfishness and needs people have.
So where I have some friends very insecure or some who get upset easily if let down, I try to accomdate around that, but if their needs come first on a date, I know to not stand in their way or be upset over again something that is trivial.
Its just one night.

I simply think it's important to keep to prior arrangements and not flip flop around. If they have "needs" that mean they cancel prior arrangements at the drop of a hat, they shouldn't make those arrangements in the first place.

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


Then you take things to much to heart, as if its personal that people may decide to change plans as again for the purpose of meeting someone knew. The fact you are acting offended by your replies shows its you that can end up pusing people away because you do get easily offended on something which is not important in the big scheme of things, because if you think it is again it will bve because you are again thinking only of yoursellf
Its that simple
Someone is merely asking to rearrange the night because they have a date.
I think the proble is Rags, people have sadly used you and its made you very defensive and you have lost a lot of trust in people

I consider myself to be a loyal and reliable friend. If I make an arrangement to meet a friend, I keep to it and I'm on time. They know they can rely on me, and there's nothing wrong with expecting the same from them. I don't arrange to meet a friend on condition that if I get another offer, I'll drop them. An arrangement is an arrangement.

Where you got that shite about being used from is a mystery to me. I'd say you push your friends away because you use them to fill in the time until you get a better offer.

Great they can reply on you, what you are not explaining to me, is why you would get so upset over them wanting to change plans if it means furture happiness for them?
You are again in one instant placing them first but again based on your actual needs.
Read what you are saying, you have high expectations and when you have high expectations, then you are going to find yourself feeling let down.
The simple fact you are getting verbal states to me you have been let down as it would explain why you are making such a big thing over nothing

Raggamuffin wrote:

Didge wrote:


I would agree with you on the man rags, but you miss the point here and it boils down to selfishness and needs people have.
So where I have some friends very insecure or some who get upset easily if let down, I try to accomdate around that, but if their needs come first on a date, I know to not stand in their way or be upset over again something that is trivial.
Its just one night.

I simply think it's important to keep to prior arrangements and not flip flop around. If they have "needs" that mean they cancel prior arrangements at the drop of a hat, they shouldn't make those arrangements in the first place.

Why is it important?
Its only important to you then is it not?
Its again being based on your needs

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

I consider myself to be a loyal and reliable friend. If I make an arrangement to meet a friend, I keep to it and I'm on time. They know they can rely on me, and there's nothing wrong with expecting the same from them. I don't arrange to meet a friend on condition that if I get another offer, I'll drop them. An arrangement is an arrangement.

Where you got that shite about being used from is a mystery to me. I'd say you push your friends away because you use them to fill in the time until you get a better offer.

Great they can reply on you, what you are not explaining to me, is why you would get so upset over them wanting to change plans if it means furture happiness for them?
You are again in one instant placing them first but again based on your actual needs.
Read what you are saying, you have high expectations and when you have high expectations, then you are going to find yourself feeling let down.
The simple fact you are getting verbal states to me you have been let down as it would explain why you are making such a big thing over nothing

You talk about "future happiness" as if that's only achievable via a "partner". I consider that friends also contribute to future and present happiness. If you're prepared to ditch a friend in those circumstances, it's very selfish of you, and you don't deserve any friends.

My friends benefit from my point of view because they know that if a gorgeous man asked me out on the night I had arranged to meet them, I'd tell him I couldn't go at that particular time.

Didge wrote:

Raggamuffin wrote:

I simply think it's important to keep to prior arrangements and not flip flop around. If they have "needs" that mean they cancel prior arrangements at the drop of a hat, they shouldn't make those arrangements in the first place.

Why is it important?
Its only important to you then is it not?
Its again being based on your needs

As I said, it benefits my friends too because they know they can rely on me. That's a good thing.