Jokes

SHORT AND TO THE POINT
So I told my son "I want you to marry a girl of my choice!"
He said "NO!"
I told him its Bill Gates daughter!!!!
He said "OKAY!"
Got in contact with Bill Gates & told him "I want your daughter to
marry my son!"
He said "NO!"
Told him my son was the CEO of the World Bank!
He said "OKAY!"
Went to the President of the World Bank & told him to make my son
CEO of the Bank!
He said "NO!"
Told him my son was Bill Gates Son in Law!
He said "OKAY!"

*That's Exactly how Politics works.*
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Montana Shave

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

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Dear Abby

My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get
dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies .
I know he has cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters.

I know because he brags about this to me.

He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night.
We sleep in separate beds because he is always telling me he
knows I am a lesbian and my varicose veins and big bottom turn him off!

Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby? Your advice would be appreciated .....

Mad as Hell

Dear Mad as Hell

You don't have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out ASAP. Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, and try to act like a lady!
Remember ......you`re running for President of the United States, so try acting like it!

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Just for fun-maybe advice for politico's

Subject: Old doctor
An old doctor became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:

"Dr Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500.
If not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young", who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000 so he went to Dr Geezer's clinic.

Dr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.
Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and
put 3 drops in Dr Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh!! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back.
That will be $500."

Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and
put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back.
That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---
I can hardly see anything!!!!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that
so here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!
That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

The hillary one is good!

           

I won't find anything rude and obnoxious to say about your country.

eddie wrote:I won't find anything rude and obnoxious to say about your country.

Because you've looked or you couldn't get the image to move 

4EVER2 wrote:

eddie wrote:I won't find anything rude and obnoxious to say about your country.

Because you've looked or you couldn't get the image to move 

Yes. That will be why 4ever. If it helps make you feel superior.
Not bothered in one-upmanship.

eddie wrote:

4EVER2 wrote:
Because you've looked or you couldn't get the image to move 

Yes. That will be why 4ever. If it helps make you feel superior.
Not bothered in one-upmanship.

Good-Grief ...for all the garbage that my country gets served up nationally due to our political circus train ...you BRITS really need to LIGHTEN THE HELL UP.  
There's been enough material spread around all the social media outlets to make AMERICA    and      But we/I just take it in stride ...it won't make the universe STOP SPINNING ...and you are the one's going all postal about "sour grapes & panic rooms".  

I don't make jokes about America. I like the stuff I know about the US.... Music, TV, people, comedies

You'll rarely, if ever, see me make rude comments about other peoples countries or religions.

eddie wrote:I don't make jokes about America. I like the stuff I know about the US.... Music, TV, people, comedies

You'll rarely, if ever, see me make rude comments about other peoples countries or religions.

Well ...that's NOT HOW I ROLL ~~~ sarcastic people just can't contain themselves that way --- but I've modified my PC as I've grown up ...now I know racial & racist words hurt people deeply!

I like my country too, but its just a place built over some soil that my ancient ancestors got murdered over ...I can't change my history - nor will I allow it to define me or my 'twisted sense of humor'

Fair enough.

Just to prove that we 'Americans' are not immune to our own form of 'BRAIN DEAD'
humanoids ...that are so easily swayed by ranting stupid humans - we too have had
our many groups of SHEEPLE - PEOPLE
And the latest notorious group was the 'T-BAGGER' {aka Tea Bag Party} and they were infamous/large/loud/angry and would crawl out of their darkest places back in the pre-election of 2012.  But they are rarely seen out in the bright light of day - and not so many clustered together in any one place.

For the 'VEGAN' among us~~~

Well there aren't any vegans here, only vegetarians and pescatarians, but that was funny

eddie wrote:Well there aren't any vegans here, only vegetarians and pescatarians,  but that was funny

When that word first hit our vocabulary over here - my dear pops used to wear it out whenever he'd be BBQ'ing --- and he'd LOL like it was the biggest joke ever. 
Standing there at the grill and he'd have to ask that exact question in that joke - of course after a fashion the same people would just look at him like 'Good Grief, there he goes again'

Ben contemplating the big picture....



Y'all want fries with that?

He's pretty good looking, I bet Barbie would shag him.

only if he was her brother .....rednecks bein' red necks and all that

y'awl

Y'all gotta smush y'words together

Left/hot handle is 'RED WINE' - Right/cold handle is 'WHITE WINE'

I'm getting me one of those - but for whisky

4EVER2 wrote:

           

+1 Extremely poignant. Gd one, 4Eva.

Hilarious. So true...

Colonise half the world" Shows how good we were, once.

Ben, Bollocks.

nicko wrote:Ben,     Bollocks.

While that was well-reasoned and -supported, your argument does not convince me.

oh give over ben....it had the greatest virtue of any commentary.....brevity.....

It might not have been convincing in and of itself, but the statement was ballsy.

    

 

   

nicko wrote:Colonise half the world"  Shows how good we were,     once.

I know...that joke actually gives you guys a leg up...as if you could still pee in the tall grass with the big dogs.

4Eva's poster points out how quickly you (anyone) can go from prey animal to victim.

sO YOU THINK YOU ARE BETTER THAN A BRIT?

eddie wrote:It might not have been convincing in and of itself, but the statement was ballsy.

No Suggesting it was GOOD is the Ballsy Statement.

See all the RED they are places that Stongly Disagree with the GOOD part

nicko wrote:sO YOU THINK YOU ARE BETTER THAN A BRIT?

We are the big dog, nicko. That's what we are talking about.

Big dog,? your a bloody lap dog. All bark and no bite,,,,,,pathetic specimen of a man.

nicko wrote:Big dog,?     your a bloody lap dog.     All bark and no bite,,,,,,pathetic specimen of a man.

That's ironic...coming from you. The lap dog was PM Tony Blair and the Iraq War. That's when we knew all that was left was a toom tabard.

That's a bit dangerous though. That could cause a serious fight between a couple.

eddie wrote:That's a bit dangerous though. That could cause a serious fight between a couple.

Or get an abuser very riled up and another violent incident happen as well...

And with that, I'll end my 'Jokes' for Friday! 

2 buckets of sick are walking along the road.
One start crying.
"What are you crying for?" asks the other.
"I was brought up around here"

This has to be an OLD JOKE {really old joke} since it was sent to me via FB from my dear old Aussie curmudgeon today > 

August 3, 2015 ·

So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first d...ay on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per my greeter training manual I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.