How soon is too soon?

Vintage wrote:

Thor wrote:
 

So because it effected them, she should place their life on hold, until they are comfortable?

I am sorry Vintage, but life is filled with many chapters and iff people waited for others to be able to close that last chapter and move on, nobody would be ever able to move on. As how extended a family is this going to be to then consider people? Uncle jack 3 times removed?

Nobody is denying or saying they are not connected, but this is about her and not them. Just because she has found new love, does not mean she loved any less her previous husband or his family. So like I say they would be holding her back, based on their of period to grieve. Where to some that can take years.

That child is still going to be a big part in their life and her moving on marrying should not and wont effect that. Death is sadly a part of life we all have to accept. You cannot and should not wait until everyone feels ready, when its that individuals happiness, that is most important here

You are arguing with nothing I actually said.

Its never just about one person unless you have no friends or family and live in isolation. What's the saying 'no man is an island'. I'd didn't say she should put her life on hold, not even suggested it. Just that a bit of compassion and consideration should be shown to his relatives who are grieving and understand they could be upset - for a while.

Thor wrote:

Vintage wrote:


You are arguing with nothing I actually said.

Its never just about one person unless you have no friends or family and live in isolation. What's the saying 'no man is an island'. I'd didn't say she should put her life on hold, not even suggested it. Just that a bit of compassion and consideration should be shown to his relatives who are grieving and understand they could be upset - for a while.

I beg to differ, as a relationship is between two people, not extended family

it involves all the family when two people come together.  i remember the priest having a word with both of us before the marriage and saying  ''remember you are not just marrying each other - you are both now a member of a different family as well''  which is true

So what consideration and compassion should be shown?

gelico wrote:

Thor wrote:


I beg to differ, as a relationship is between two people, not extended family

it involves all the family when two people come together.  i remember the priest having a word with both of us before the marriage and saying  ''remember you are not just marrying each other - you are both now a member of a different family as well''  which is true

So what consideration and compassion should be shown?

due consideration and compassion for other peoples feelings is something that most of us would feel but it doesn't have to equal putting your own life on hold.

Vintage wrote:No it doesn't mean putting your life on hold or anything else its about realising that other people are affected by the death and realising that they very well may be upset if you decide to start dating eight weeks after the funeral. That is not saying you shouldn't if you feel ready or need to, just saying remember other people loved the deceased and their grief could be still raw, I'm sure they don't really want to hold her back and I'm sure she doesn't want to seem as though she's disrespecting her dead husband, life goes on but some are not going to find it so easy to accept that quite as quickly has she has been able to.


A death involves more than just your partner, depending on the age, there may be parents and siblings, they are involved like it or not.  

Maddog wrote:She should wear black for two years.  

I'm not even sure what the word date even means anymore. I actually go out with girls, and guys in groups, or sometimes girls alone. I don't really call it a date. We are just hanging out, so there isn't really a romantic context, at least not from the beginning. I'm not sure where I'm going with this except that mingling and hanging out is probably fine after 8 weeks. A romantic dinner 8 weeks after you buried your husband kind of creeps me out. It sounds like she is one of those people that has to have someone in their life. She probably should have used the period after the death of her husband to figure out why she is like that. And calling the step dad, Daddy is a bit weird. I was a step dad to my 31 year old daughter when she was two. Her real dad wasn't dead, but he may as well have been, but my first name was fine, and it still is.      

Maddog wrote:She should wear black for two years.  

I'm not even sure what the word date even means anymore. I actually go out with girls, and guys in groups, or sometimes girls alone. I don't really call it a date. We are just hanging out, so there isn't really a romantic context, at least not from the beginning. I'm not sure where I'm going with this except that mingling and hanging out is probably fine after 8 weeks. A romantic dinner 8 weeks after you buried your husband kind of creeps me out. It sounds like she is one of those people that has to have someone in their life. She probably should have used the period after the death of her husband to figure out why she is like that. And calling the step dad, Daddy is a bit weird. I was a step dad to my 31 year old daughter when she was two. Her real dad wasn't dead, but he may as well have been, but my first name was fine, and it still is.      

Syl wrote:

Maddog wrote:She should wear black for two years.  

I'm not even sure what the word date even means anymore. I actually go out with girls, and guys in groups, or sometimes girls alone. I don't really call it a date. We are just hanging out, so there isn't really a romantic context, at least not from the beginning. I'm not sure where I'm going with this except that mingling and hanging out is probably fine after 8 weeks. A romantic dinner 8 weeks after you buried your husband kind of creeps me out. It sounds like she is one of those people that has to have someone in their life. She probably should have used the period after the death of her husband to figure out why she is like that. And calling the step dad, Daddy is a bit weird. I was a step dad to my 31 year old daughter when she was two. Her real dad wasn't dead, but he may as well have been, but my first name was fine, and it still is.      

I know from seeing it happen in close family that encouraging a child to call a step dad 'daddy' or 'dad' can cause hurt and friction. I have seen kids confused, watching what they say when their real dads are around because the mother has encouraged the kids to address her new husband as dad.

In this womans (the OP) case she not only approves but talks about it online, which is really disrespectful and hurtful to her dead husbands family imo.
Then she wonders why there has been ill feeling....maybe she has brought it on herself by her thoughtlessness.

gelico wrote:

Syl wrote:
I know from seeing it happen in close family that encouraging a child to call a step dad 'daddy' or 'dad' can cause hurt and friction. I have seen kids confused, watching what they say when their real dads are around because the mother has encouraged the kids to address her new husband as dad.

In this womans (the OP) case she not only approves but talks about it online, which is really disrespectful and hurtful to her dead husbands family imo.
Then she wonders why there has been ill feeling....maybe she has brought it on herself by her thoughtlessness.

hey syl, i got asked out a couple of times within a short space of hubby dying (i said no) and i talked to my kids about it.  they were laughing and teasing me about it but my youngest said ''if you get a boyfriend will he have to be my dad'' to which my response was a firm ''no''

gelico wrote:

Syl wrote:
I know from seeing it happen in close family that encouraging a child to call a step dad 'daddy' or 'dad' can cause hurt and friction. I have seen kids confused, watching what they say when their real dads are around because the mother has encouraged the kids to address her new husband as dad.

In this womans (the OP) case she not only approves but talks about it online, which is really disrespectful and hurtful to her dead husbands family imo.
Then she wonders why there has been ill feeling....maybe she has brought it on herself by her thoughtlessness.

hey syl, i got asked out a couple of times within a short space of hubby dying (i said no) and i talked to my kids about it.  they were laughing and teasing me about it but my youngest said ''if you get a boyfriend will he have to be my dad'' to which my response was a firm ''no''

Syl wrote:

Maddog wrote:She should wear black for two years.  

I'm not even sure what the word date even means anymore. I actually go out with girls, and guys in groups, or sometimes girls alone. I don't really call it a date. We are just hanging out, so there isn't really a romantic context, at least not from the beginning. I'm not sure where I'm going with this except that mingling and hanging out is probably fine after 8 weeks. A romantic dinner 8 weeks after you buried your husband kind of creeps me out. It sounds like she is one of those people that has to have someone in their life. She probably should have used the period after the death of her husband to figure out why she is like that. And calling the step dad, Daddy is a bit weird. I was a step dad to my 31 year old daughter when she was two. Her real dad wasn't dead, but he may as well have been, but my first name was fine, and it still is.      

I know from seeing it happen in close family that encouraging a child to call a step dad 'daddy' or 'dad' can cause hurt and friction. I have seen kids confused, watching what they say when their real dads are around because the mother has encouraged the kids to address her new husband as dad.

In this womans (the OP) case she not only approves but talks about it online, which is really disrespectful and hurtful to her dead husbands family imo.
Then she wonders why there has been ill feeling....maybe she has brought it on herself by her thoughtlessness.

Maddog wrote:

Syl wrote:
I know from seeing it happen in close family that encouraging a child to call a step dad 'daddy' or 'dad' can cause hurt and friction. I have seen kids confused, watching what they say when their real dads are around because the mother has encouraged the kids to address her new husband as dad.

In this womans (the OP) case she not only approves but talks about it online, which is really disrespectful and hurtful to her dead husbands family imo.
Then she wonders why there has been ill feeling....maybe she has brought it on herself by her thoughtlessness.

As a step dad I never wanted to be called daddy. I had enough  sense to know that that would cause problems, and kids usually pay for problems.  So this is where adults step in and provide guidance.

Thor wrote:

Maddog wrote:She should wear black for two years.  

I'm not even sure what the word date even means anymore. I actually go out with girls, and guys in groups, or sometimes girls alone. I don't really call it a date. We are just hanging out, so there isn't really a romantic context, at least not from the beginning. I'm not sure where I'm going with this except that mingling and hanging out is probably fine after 8 weeks. A romantic dinner 8 weeks after you buried your husband kind of creeps me out. It sounds like she is one of those people that has to have someone in their life. She probably should have used the period after the death of her husband to figure out why she is like that. And calling the step dad, Daddy is a bit weird. I was a step dad to my 31 year old daughter when she was two. Her real dad wasn't dead, but he may as well have been, but my first name was fine, and it still is.      

It may help mate if you actually read the article

It was the boy that decided to call his step dad daddy. One thing I know about children is they will act and percive based on the emotions of the parent. If that parent is happier, then that child will generally end up being happier. As was the case here. 

It may creep you out, but again each individual is different and I do not get the impression she dated because she needed to be in a relationsip. She married two years after her husband died and i fail to see again why people perceive there should be a time period in order for people to find some semblance of happiness again.

The point is about some people being utterly horrible to her that she found happiness and love again, where the question to that is why?Even when she married. Its like some seem to think that a person should never find love again, because their husband or wife has sadly departed.

To me everyone should want to be happy for anyone who has lost someone and the reason they are still being at odds with this, is because they have clearly not going over this, but is that then fair of them to berate others who have been able to move on? She still clearly loves her previous husband and still thinks about him. So just because she has been able to find love again, does not mean she loves him still any less.

Maddog wrote:

Thor wrote:


It may help mate if you actually read the article

It was the boy that decided to call his step dad daddy. One thing I know about children is they will act and percive based on the emotions of the parent. If that parent is happier, then that child will generally end up being happier. As was the case here. 

It may creep you out, but again each individual is different and I do not get the impression she dated because she needed to be in a relationsip. She married two years after her husband died and i fail to see again why people perceive there should be a time period in order for people to find some semblance of happiness again.

The point is about some people being utterly horrible to her that she found happiness and love again, where the question to that is why?Even when she married. Its like some seem to think that a person should never find love again, because their husband or wife has sadly departed.

To me everyone should want to be happy for anyone who has lost someone and the reason they are still being at odds with this, is because they have clearly not going over this, but is that then fair of them to berate others who have been able to move on? She still clearly loves her previous husband and still thinks about him. So just because she has been able to find love again, does not mean she loves him still any less.

I actually read the article.  Then I gave my opinion. Some folks would be OK with her sleeping with the gravedigger who buried her husband, 45 minutes after he was planted. Perhaps in the back of the hearse?  Others think a person who actually loved someone is incapable of a one on one date for several months after the death of their loved one.

Maddog wrote:

Syl wrote:
I know from seeing it happen in close family that encouraging a child to call a step dad 'daddy' or 'dad' can cause hurt and friction. I have seen kids confused, watching what they say when their real dads are around because the mother has encouraged the kids to address her new husband as dad.

In this womans (the OP) case she not only approves but talks about it online, which is really disrespectful and hurtful to her dead husbands family imo.
Then she wonders why there has been ill feeling....maybe she has brought it on herself by her thoughtlessness.

As a step dad I never wanted to be called daddy. I had enough  sense to know that that would cause problems, and kids usually pay for problems.  So this is where adults step in and provide guidance.

Vintage wrote:A relative of mine started seeing a woman while his wife was suffering a terminal illness, he hardly spent time at the house while she was ill, leaving it to his children, who were rather nonplussed at his behaviour. he did manage to go to the funeral but shocked his children by marrying the girlfriend four months after the funeral and moving her into the family home. None of his children went to the wedding as they had found out he had been seeing her during their mother's illness. A bit previous maybe but should he be blamed, were his children unreasonable or should they be glad he found a new love, it's his life, should he have got on with the new relationship  regardless, after all his wife was on the way out perhaps he viewed her as already gone and  therefore their relationship over and he was free to move on, just didn't wait until she was actually cold.

Vintage wrote:A relative of mine started seeing a woman while his wife was suffering a terminal illness, he hardly spent time at the house while she was ill, leaving it to his children, who were rather nonplussed at his behaviour. he did manage to go to the funeral but shocked his children by marrying the girlfriend four months after the funeral and moving her into the family home. None of his children went to the wedding as they had found out he had been seeing her during their mother's illness. A bit previous maybe but should he be blamed, were his children unreasonable or should they be glad he found a new love, it's his life, should he have got on with the new relationship  regardless, after all his wife was on the way out perhaps he viewed her as already gone and  therefore their relationship over and he was free to move on, just didn't wait until she was actually cold.

Syl wrote:

Vintage wrote:A relative of mine started seeing a woman while his wife was suffering a terminal illness, he hardly spent time at the house while she was ill, leaving it to his children, who were rather nonplussed at his behaviour. he did manage to go to the funeral but shocked his children by marrying the girlfriend four months after the funeral and moving her into the family home. None of his children went to the wedding as they had found out he had been seeing her during their mother's illness. A bit previous maybe but should he be blamed, were his children unreasonable or should they be glad he found a new love, it's his life, should he have got on with the new relationship  regardless, after all his wife was on the way out perhaps he viewed her as already gone and  therefore their relationship over and he was free to move on, just didn't wait until she was actually cold.

The quick synopsis of what you say about your relative doesn't paint a very kind or caring husband.If a partner is terminally ill needing care at home, surely no one should be leaving the children to cope with all that entails.
I have heard of cases where the partner of a terminally ill person has started an affair with the nurse who is supposed to be caring for their dying spouse  …..which proves some people are selfish uncaring bastards.

On the other hand, say a person is suffering from dementia or alzheimer's and they dont even recognise their spouse or partner anymore. This can go on for years, would anyone begrudge a partner finding love again?

gelico wrote:

Syl wrote:

The quick synopsis of what you say about your relative doesn't paint a very kind or caring husband.If a partner is terminally ill needing care at home, surely no one should be leaving the children to cope with all that entails.
I have heard of cases where the partner of a terminally ill person has started an affair with the nurse who is supposed to be caring for their dying spouse  …..which proves some people are selfish uncaring bastards.

On the other hand, say a person is suffering from dementia or alzheimer's and they dont even recognise their spouse or partner anymore. This can go on for years, would anyone begrudge a partner finding love again?

i knew a couple (parents of a friend).  the dad got alzheimers and his wife cared for him up until the point where she couldnt even pop to the shops for fear of what might happen and then he went into a home and she went to live with her daughter and family in an annexe.  they visited the home everyday but after a while the dad made friends with the other patients in there and seemed to enjoy himself.  my friend told me though that for his mum to witness his dad enjoying the company of other women was agonising for her even though he was off his chump and didn't know what was happening.


alzheimers and dementia are possibly the worst because you lose that person but you cannot grieve because in effect they are still there

wtf do you do in a situation like that?

heartbreaking

Vintage wrote:Its only comparable in terms of time and opportunity, is there a cut off point, some people take a long time, some people need hardly any time, some people get the opportunity and take it, others may get the opportunity and don't take it perhaps never to get an opportunity again, the consensus seems to be take your opportunity when it comes along, regardless of the timescale and the feelings of the relatives of the deceased, because its your life and you do what you have to do, which I don't necessarily argue with so in the case of my relative, you could argue his opportunity came along and in the circumstances he decided to take it in case he didn't get it again.
With the question of Alzheimer's etc. maybe you could argue the person you married is no longer there, as good as dead in some cases, do you hang on waiting or live your life and find someone else, provided the incapacitated person is cared for.

Thor wrote:

Maddog wrote:

I actually read the article.  Then I gave my opinion. Some folks would be OK with her sleeping with the gravedigger who buried her husband, 45 minutes after he was planted. Perhaps in the back of the hearse?  Others think a person who actually loved someone is incapable of a one on one date for several months after the death of their loved one.

Odd how you missed so much and then invented so much about the individual then.

Maybe its your tablet again

Hence the point it is just an opinion and saying how long someone should wait is based on how well someone can move on. Is so subjective and quite pathetic when others judge someone based on their own subjective views on this. Even more when the reality is this is about people being able to move on and be happy again. Some sadly can never move on, but I find it absurd how some judge this again based on their own ideas. Hence to me those people lead with a negative outlook and not a positive one. 

Who knows

Like I said, the point is here, both are happy, both loved and still love husband/dad that has passed away. So if they are happy, why then should not everyone else be happy? Unless people want others to remain unhappy of course? I mean what sort of mentall health situation do some here want people to remain in?

Thor wrote:

Maddog wrote:

As a step dad I never wanted to be called daddy. I had enough  sense to know that that would cause problems, and kids usually pay for problems.  So this is where adults step in and provide guidance.

But what if they wanted to call you dad and you then made them not happy doing so?

Kids are generally happy, if you engage in that love and happiness

Why do you think it would always cause problems, where in many situations it does not?

The reason is and it shows is that some people simple cannot be adult enough about a situation. Espcially when there is a seperation of parents and they have new partners. Its generally not them thinking about the children and only themselves. As if all are on board and happy for the children, how then why would it be complicated?

Maddog wrote:

Thor wrote:


But what if they wanted to call you dad and you then made them not happy doing so?

Kids are generally happy, if you engage in that love and happiness

Why do you think it would always cause problems, where in many situations it does not?

The reason is and it shows is that some people simple cannot be adult enough about a situation. Espcially when there is a seperation of parents and they have new partners. Its generally not them thinking about the children and only themselves. As if all are on board and happy for the children, how then why would it be complicated?

She may have been happy calling me asshole a few times too.  It may have even been accurate a few times.  But I would still tell her that I would prefer to be called by first name and she can save that term for her real dad.  

Thor wrote:

Maddog wrote:

She may have been happy calling me asshole a few times too.  It may have even been accurate a few times.  But I would still tell her that I would prefer to be called by first name and she can save that term for her real dad.  

If you did not mind asshole, why mind dad?

Maybe she saw you as a far better dad, and the dad she wanted to be raised by?

Like I say what does it matter, when the child is happy this way?

Where again many children are happy this way

Each to their own I guess