OLD FASHIONED RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLES THAT WORK

OLD FASHIONED RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLES THAT WORK

Wind back 20-30 years. People lived together as family or housemates, rarely as lovers. Those who were in loving committed relationships often chose marriage as a way of consolidating their commitment to one another. Children were created as part of the growth of a marital relationship.

If divorce was on the agenda it was often a last resort. Nowadays, it seems people have gotten married, divorced and moved onto a new romantic relationship within a few short years... if they have married at all. In some cases this scenario has now been replaced with moving in together as long-term partners, creating children together, and buying a house.

The way we manage our romantic relationships now is completely different to how the previous generations did only a few decades before us. Whilst the generations before us had a system that seemed to be passed through the ages, a “how-to” for maintaining a successful relationship, modern day relationships almost seem to be winging it!

What happened to those simple ingredients for a successful marriage, the ingredients that could also be applied to co-habiting couples?

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/old-fashioned-relationship-principles-that-work

The  article goes on to ask: "What were we taught by our parents? What were our parents taught by their parents? What can we learn, from what we see and read, about the years and centuries gone by?"

Some pointers are then given (more in the link)!but the ones I want to debate are these:

A MAN SHOULD FEEL LIKE A MAN

We do live in a modern society and whilst I am all for the equality of men and women, we are still different sexes and such differences should be celebrated and accommodated rather than buried.

Men and women are built differently and they think differently, they display their emotions differently and they evaluate matters from different perspectives.

Perhaps I am old fashioned but I quite like the fact that my husband takes on the household DIY duties. I would be more than capable of performing odd jobs around the house myself but would rather he do them. Why? I feel more like a woman. I feel looked after. More importantly, though, I would not want to emasculate him by removing his opportunities of personal growth. The sense of achievement he feels when he has completed DIY jobs at home feeds his self-confidence as the man of the house. I am sure he and I would both feel out of balance with our inner selves, as man and woman, if I tied a tool belt around my hips, grabbed the drill and told him to stand back whilst he went off to make me a cup of tea.

Different men have different ideas about what makes them feel masculine and powerful just as women have about what makes them feel feminine and powerful. Some men want/need to bring home more money than their female partner in order to feel masculine. Some need to know that they have a better understanding of how to fix cars, a better knowledge of directions and greater physical strength. Some need to drive the bigger vehicle of the two they own. Some need to show that they are not quick to become emotional.

Whatever makes the male half of the relationship feel masculine should be accounted for and nurtured on an ongoing basis throughout the relationship. Such experiences are integral to, and help shape, the male’s self-confidence, his relationships, and his life. Let a man be a man.

A LADY SHOULD FEEL LIKE A LADY

A lady wants to feel feminine, sexy, protected and protective. She likes to nurture, she likes to provide emotional security and she likes to maintain pride in the appearance of herself, her partner and their home.

A man should take his lady in his arms every now and again with that animalistic passion in his eyes that makes her heart skip a beat and reminds her that she is desirable, sexy and feminine.

Simple things like allowing the lady to wait in the car whilst the man loads the shopping bags into the car during wet weather shows a woman that the man wishes to nurture and protect her. You see, it’s not necessarily the act so much as the message it conveys that helps maintain the notion of their masculinity and femininity.

Being feminine does not mean you cannot have aspects of your personality that are somewhat masculine or that being masculine you cannot have feminine qualities. If, however, we want to have a successful marriage or life-long co-habiting relationship, we need to satisfy some of our gender roles in order to create balance. Celebrate your uniqueness, don’t be ashamed of it.

You and your partner need to decide which gender roles fit you best and which you have zero tolerance for. Create and maintain your own version of the male and female role within your relationship in your very own modern way. Old fashioned gender roles with various tweaks can pave the way for modern day relationship success.

A MAN LIKES TO BE FED HOME COOKED FOOD

Don’t know why, perhaps it is so akin to their mothers looking after them, but men like to be fed home cooked food. This relatively simple act will bring a smile to his face, make him feel loved and cared for, and make him feel masculine too.

It feels pretty good to feed your loved ones too. Maybe it’s a feminine thing!

(Link provides more but all pretty non-debatable common sense ones  IMO)


Now......I am putting my neck on the line but.....

I agree with these. I've always thought like this and been like this in relationships. Of course, I don't really on a man to do things I need doing and I can pretty much do DIY etc myself but.....I simply like these values....

Any thoughts?

Yep.  Tried it that way, got up at silly 0'clock to make his breakfast etc etc etc, he still ended up being a shit.

Now OH and I agree that there is no such thing as a woman's job and no such thing as a man's job.  If something needs doing whoever has the time does it.  I cook because I like cooking, but sometimes I get sick to the back teeth of it and OH does it.   I don't need him to pack the bags to feel like a woman lol.   I am one full stop, whether I dig the garden, hoover, cook or put up shelves.   I like decorating, OH doesn't.   But then I was always into science and meccano as a child.

I like my door opened for me. I like to do special things for a guy that are his, and his alone.

I don't know. I am very modern but I do have this romantic notion at heart, of just having those small, little things that make us specially different.

I wonder if the views here will be different between men and women?

Hate to be the one to poor cold water, but I was the same once lol.

the home cooking one is nonsense
that is either gender.

Everyone likes really nice food
And
Most Cooks like having their food enjoyed

I agree with Sassy and her OH. that is the way is should be.

the Idea of constantly needed to reafirm such a basic thing a gender strikes me as an overly needy individual, to which i am unattracted.

Currently I have an Australian friend in her late 30's who says her  PARENTS took it in turns to stay at home and look after her when she was born.

Their salaries were similar so they felt it did not matter who stayed at home and who did paid work. One year the mum would be a housewife while the husband went out to work, the next year he would be a househusband and she worked. They alternated roles like this for about 5 years and it worked out well for them.

Couples have been relaxed and flexible about their gender roles for decades.

I tend to doubt that stuff like what's mentioned in the OP really make a difference between a relationship working and not working -- for example I'd never believe a guy who said he was divorcing his wife because she never cooked.

It's window-dressing, really. Her liking her guy to do the DIY and him liking to do it speaks to their compatibility, that's all.

People have tried for ages to figure out what makes relationships work for ages, even though Duke Ellington figured it out way back in 1931 ...

FROM A LOCAL perspective, that OP essay sounds like it could have been written sometime back in the early 1990s...

If that popped up around here, people would think that the author had been hiding under a rock for the last couple of decades..

(Sounds a lot like one of those 'Bible Belt USA' missives to encourage those good little "Born_again Christians" to embrace those long-lost 1950s 'Father Knows Best'/'Leave It To Beaver' fantasy times -- when men were men, and the li'l wimmins' place was in the kitchen ???)        

I think you're all missing the point. She isn't saying that she thinks she should stay home and do dishes whilst her husband works, she's saying that some things are nice for woman to do for men and vice versa.

Sorry, but if I'm with a guy and we arrive at a destination why shouldn't he open my door for me?

Those values and actions are only small but they're nice.

Actually the article is born from a time when there was boundless discrimination.
I mean to go off claiming a man should feel like a man and placing boundaries around this. Is what led to bullying of for example homosexual boys growing up. Girls being teased and bullied for being Tomboys. There should never be boundaries as to what constitutes being a man or a woman. Lady is born again an elitist system that creates a caste system when people are then deemed as inferior if not classed as a lady. I may well call two posters Me Lady and Me Lord, but this is just in good nature. What the article should avise is that men and woman should try to understand each other, try to have patients with each other, try to care for each other, try to express their love, try to allow for space, that each is indidvidual in their likes etc. I could go on as many things people can try but there is no fixed bases for what a man or woman should be.

Being feminine does not mean you cannot have aspects of your personality that are somewhat masculine or that being masculine you cannot have feminine qualities. If, however, we want to have a successful marriage or life-long co-habiting relationship, we need to satisfy some of our gender roles in order to create balance. Celebrate your uniqueness, don’t be ashamed of it.

You and your partner need to decide which gender roles fit you best and which you have zero tolerance for. Create and maintain your own version of the male and female role within your relationship in your very own modern way. Old fashioned gender roles with various tweaks can pave the way for modern day relationship success

Perhaps if more newly weds had such discussions about those mundane issues prior to saying their wedding nuptials ...there would be far less divorce in America.
But who wants to discuss the mundane issues like; dirty dishes - laundry - dropping your crap all over the house likes trail of discarded body parts - taking your shoes off at the front door instead of tromping straight though - do I have to be the ony taking the trash out of the house - leaving nasty globs of tooth paste in the bath room sink - not flushing the toilet - etc., etc., etc.
See, there are just so many little finite things that could become a irritation that builds as a marriage gets hectic and the struggles to just get through the next 24hr period and every thing we need to finish takes priority.

Knowing that my husband enjoyed a good fruit pie, gave me the incentive to make more homemade pies. A task that I undertook with a termination and great intentions ...not being the baker that my oldest sister was this this was going to be an experience that I hoped he would live to tell about in our old age!  But he ate my pies, one horrid disaster after another and never made me feel like a failure for not being my sister - the PIE BAKER SUPREME!
Marriage is work, and sadly lots of people pour more energy into building their career(s) then they do a relationship!

Having said all of the above, if a guy expected me to do the dishes I'd probably NEVER do them, just to make a point.
I think a mix of old and modern, in general, is an ok rule to live by.

eddie wrote:Having said all of the above, if a guy expected me to do the dishes I'd probably NEVER do them, just to make a point.
I think a mix of old and modern, in general, is an ok rule to live by.

Oh, my OH used to try to 'rib/poke me' about how devoted his stay at home mother was, since my mother tried to be that way until my younger sister started school and then mom went to work full-time. 
My OH would try something coy/cute like; 'geeze, instead of tossing these good socks away because they've got a hole in the toe - how about you darning that hole closed and I'd wear them longer' ...so I told him sure, fine ...toss them into a bag and hang it on the back of my sewing machine chair.  I noticed the sack was gaining in girth but just kept my mouth shut until one Saturday evening my hubby, brings me my sewing basket - his sack of holey socks and he sat down beside me as I was reading.  'Say, dear ...remember you'd told me that you'd darn my socks for me?' As he's leaning over batting those long eyelashes looking soooo charming; 'Oh, indeed - I did and I've waited until there were enough to do a good sound group DARNING!' 
So I stood up, he handed me the sack and tried to hand me my sewing basket - but I just waved that away and began shaking that sack of holey socks as roughly as I could and exclaiming - "DARN YOU SOCKS - DARN YOU SORRY ARSED HOLEY SOCKS - DARN - DARN - DARN YOU!"  The shock and amazed look on my hubbies face was to DIE FOR, it still makes me LOL - wish I'd had a camera back then, that would have been price less!
The sack of holey 'DARNED SOCKS' were taken out to his shop and he used them as rags and that TOPIC was never mentioned again; except to retell it to his dear elderly mother for her amusement!  

I like that

Ben Reilly wrote:I tend to doubt that stuff like what's mentioned in the OP really make a difference between a relationship working and not working -- for example I'd never believe a guy who said he was divorcing his wife because she never cooked.

It's window-dressing, really. Her liking her guy to do the DIY and him liking to do it speaks to their compatibility, that's all.

People have tried for ages to figure out what makes relationships work for ages, even though Duke Ellington figured it out way back in 1931 ...

For your life partner don't just chose someone you can live with, chose someone you cannot live without.

4EVER2 wrote:

Being feminine does not mean you cannot have aspects of your personality that are somewhat masculine or that being masculine you cannot have feminine qualities. If, however, we want to have a successful marriage or life-long co-habiting relationship, we need to satisfy some of our gender roles in order to create balance. Celebrate your uniqueness, don’t be ashamed of it.

You and your partner need to decide which gender roles fit you best and which you have zero tolerance for. Create and maintain your own version of the male and female role within your relationship in your very own modern way. Old fashioned gender roles with various tweaks can pave the way for modern day relationship success

Perhaps if more newly weds had such discussions about those mundane issues prior to saying their wedding nuptials ...there would be far less divorce in America.
But who wants to discuss the mundane issues like; dirty dishes - laundry - dropping your crap all over the house likes trail of discarded body parts - taking your shoes off at the front door instead of tromping straight though - do I have to be the ony taking the trash out of the house - leaving nasty globs of tooth paste in the bath room sink - not flushing the toilet - etc., etc., etc.
See, there are just so many little finite things that could become a irritation that builds as a marriage gets hectic and the struggles to just get through the next 24hr period and every thing we need to finish takes priority.

Knowing that my husband enjoyed a good fruit pie, gave me the incentive to make more homemade pies. A task that I undertook with a termination and great intentions ...not being the baker that my oldest sister was this this was going to be an experience that I hoped he would live to tell about in our old age!  But he ate my pies, one horrid disaster after another and never made me feel like a failure for not being my sister - the PIE BAKER SUPREME!
Marriage is work, and sadly lots of people pour more energy into building their career(s) then they do a relationship!

Love is blind, marriage is an eye-opener.

I always paid for the meals and the drinks and the bus fares when out on a date. That's what it was like back in the old days. I trhink it was like tha tthen basically because males were paid more than females and oif course the girls had extra expenses like make up and hairdos to pay for and look nice. Any lad who asked his date to cough up some of the money would have no street cred and looked upon as a real meanie.

Changed days now I would think.

Irn Bru wrote:I always paid for the meals and the drinks and the bus fares when out on a date. That's what it was like back in the old days. I trhink it was like tha tthen basically because males were paid more than females and oif course the girls had extra expenses like make up and hairdos to pay for and look nice. Any lad who asked his date to cough up some of the money would have no street cred and looked upon as a real meanie.

Changed days now I would think.

Hello Irn Bru.
That sounds sweet, it's always nice when an offer is made to pay for the meal, etc. Especially if the date was the guy's suggestion. But nowadays I feel the lady should be prepared to go halves and she should say so at the outset.

Jules wrote:

Irn Bru wrote:I always paid for the meals and the drinks and the bus fares when out on a date. That's what it was like back in the old days. I trhink it was like tha tthen basically because males were paid more than females and oif course the girls had extra expenses like make up and hairdos to pay for and look nice. Any lad who asked his date to cough up some of the money would have no street cred and looked upon as a real meanie.

Changed days now I would think.

Hello Irn Bru.
That sounds sweet, it's always nice when an offer is made to pay for the meal, etc. Especially if the date was the guy's suggestion. But nowadays I feel the lady should be prepared to go halves and she should say so at the outset.

Hello Jules, it's nice to see you here. I still have some old fashioned values and I still give up my seat to a woman travelling on a train etc. I did that just a few years ago in Washington on the subway and the lady said thank you - you're not from around these parts are you?

Same thing on the tube in London.

Some things never change eh?