Here are twelve handy peel-and-paste labels you can stick on any racists you come across:

SO WHICH ONE ARE YOU???

1. THE HATER RACIST

Hates for the sake of hating.

The Hater Racist seethes with misanthropic disgust for all that is not him. You’ll find this Id-driven bigot spitting venom at your local bar or gleefully trolling the comments section.
Nasty, dehumanizing slurs roll off his forked tongue for the sadistic pleasure of offending sensitive people. He gets off on triggering your revulsion reflex. It’s about control. His reptilian mind constructs a subhuman parade of “bamboo-chewing sleepwalkers,” “needle-dicked bird turds,” or “melon-eating mooncrickets.” He’d blow Hitler’s corpse just to see you squirm.
The Hater Racist doesn’t need a reason to hate—he just needs a target. If he somehow exterminated every ethnic group he detested, he wouldn’t know what to do with himself.


2. THE DATABASE RACIST

Wired for cold logic and robo-voice:
Genetics determine intelligence. Ice Age conditions culled simpler brains from the Northern Hemisphere. Agriculture selected for more complex brains.
Asians and Europeans, on average, have higher IQ scores than sub-Saharan Africans. Modern economic success is determined by intelligence. Both are inversely correlated with crime.


3. THE RELIGIOUS RACIST

Also known as “The D&D Racist”—as in elves, humans, dwarves, and ogres.

The Religious Racist imagines racial variation the same way: a Creator magicked up various peoples and then segregated each according to their kind.

The biblical “Curse of Ham” was used to justify African slavery. After the Flood, each of Noah’s three sons founded his own distinct bloodline. But not before Ham glimpsed his drunken father’s ding-a-ling. The self-conscious Patriarch cursed the boy’s progeny, saying, “lowest of slaves shall he be to his brothers.” Ham’s dark-skinned descendants went on to populate Africa and sail to the Americas in chains. It says so right here in the Bible.

The Nation of Islam teaches that six millennia ago the mad scientist Yakub engineered genetically degenerate “white devils.” These pale mutant monkeys ran amok and will continue to use their “tricknology” to wreak havoc across the planet until Allah sends liberators in a spaceship…

Nobody told these moldy yarn-spinners that every great D&D quest begins with a ragtag band of race-mixers.


4. THE JOINER RACIST

Takes refuge under a kinship banner.

He joins the Ku Klux Klan. He joins the Brown Berets de Aztlan. He joins the New Black Panther Party. Skin is kin, brother. The neat costumes are just an added bonus.

Unwilling to sort through complicated social landscapes and the subtleties of moral character, Joiner Racists determine fellowship on the basis of blood and soil, plain and simple. It’s like a genetic Order of Odd Fellows. No fence-sitters allowed.

By signing on the dotted line, he gets bumped up to the ethnic VIP list, and really, who could blame him? If your personal genius amounts to zero, why not take collective credit for the Renaissance, the Aztec Empire, or the Great Pyramids?


5. THE PRISON RACIST

Got forced off the fence.
If you take two different species of marine sponges, run them through a sieve, and toss the individual cells into the same Petri dish, they separate and reaggregate into sponges of their own kind. So do shirtless dudes out in the yard.

Prison gangs pick teams based on Nature’s original jersey: skin tone. They gather into the Aryan Brotherhood, Nuestra Familia, and the Black Guerrilla Family. Inmates may mingle across bloodlines, but when shit gets heavy, a man is loyal to “family”—or else.

This is cited as evidence that racial solidarity is a hardwired instinct. “Universal human nature” emerges when you cram feral males into a concrete terrarium, deprive them of females, give them bologna and barbells, and observe their patterns of violence.


6. THE STEREOTYPICAL RACIST

Distills the wild diversity of homo sapiens into easily conceived caricatures.


7. THE COMICAL RACIST

Comes up with jokes to make The Stereotypical Racist laugh.


8. THE RUNWAY RACIST

Your typical fascist fashionista.

This month she wants to photograph Nubian males in nude profiles. For next month’s issue: teen Asians in disheveled uniforms. A glistening Arab with his sweat-soaked keffiyeh? Redskin headdresses? Hoes in kimonos?! Fabulooouuus!

The Runway Racist is the queen of appropriation. She wants a random Afro American choir singing in the background. She wants Bengali girls doing black magic Tantra. She wants the Nazi uniform, but without the swastikas. Nah, fuck it, with the swastikas!

Aesthetics come down to genetics.


9. THE XENOFETISH RACIST

The reason that porno DVDs are categorized by race.
The Xenofetish Racist isn’t looking for love—the goal is erotic novelty. Foreign nations and cosmopolitan cities are ethnic salad bars of delectable, multicolored genitals picked fresh from the World Garden. She’s obsessed with the lyrical passion of Latino lovers. He hops on the first flight to Thailand, consumed by Yellow Fever.

Boy meets girl in an airplane bathroom. She’s living out a romance novel written in a foreign language. He’s checking off a hit list that looks like a census form. It’s all about happy endings.


10. THE SAVIOR RACIST

Is most certainly NOT a racist!
Like a parasite that evolved to mimic good intentions, The Savior Racist has learned to exploit the plight of the marginalized. She knows dominant interests in media, academia, corporate culture, and politics are keen to reward diversity and inclusion. So her social circles are engineered to look like a UN meeting. She parades minorities like a handler in a self-congratulatory dog show. She unpacks her invisible knapsack of privilege, only to fill it back up with tangible career opportunities.

As with any politician, her conspicuous gestures are less about kindness and more about power.


11. THE ANTI-WHITE ANTI-RACIST

Simple mathematics: POWER + PREJUDICE = RACISM.

It is unforgivably racist to hurl ethnic slurs—unless the target is white. Then it’s “punching up” for “social justice.” It’s not racist to exclude members of another race, because preserving ethnic identity is the essence of pluralism—unless it’s white identity. That equals POWER + PREJUDICE.

And no, regional power doesn’t count.

Therefore it’s not “racist” for Tokyo proprietors to refuse service to whites while pointing to a “JAPANESE ONLY” sign. Nor is it “racist” when a group of black youths kick the dogshit out of a random white bystander. It is mathematically impossible because when you count up every human power in the known universe, the tally comes to white supremacy.

That’s how Anti-White Anti-Racists rise to prominence. Most of them are white.


12. THE UNDERCOVER RACIST

You’ll never know who they are.
As the social response to unpopular speech escalates from ridicule to ostracism to total ruin—rather than, say, rational counterargument or agreeing to disagree—more and more people learn that dishonesty is the only policy. A politically correct society is not the product of moral development—it is a flock of nervous sheep getting fat on fluff, each wondering if the other is a hypocritical wolf in disguise.

That’s how clever devils collect humanitarian awards while earnest simpletons get tagged with peel-and-paste labels that read “RACIST.”

Like an atheist preacher facing his congregation, The Undercover Racist learns to perform under threat of utter condemnation. Here in Oceania, his survival depends on it.