Joke of the day

by Andy Tue May 13, 2014 8:18 pm

First topic message reminder :

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St Peter, He says " sisters, you have all led such exemplary lives that the lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.The first nun says, " I want to be Sophia Loren" and poof she is gone.The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she is gone.The third says " I want to be Sara Pipilini.St Peter looks perplexed. "Who" he asked."Sara Pipilini " replies the nun.St Peter shakes his head and says " I am sorry but that name does not ring a bell"The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing, he hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says " it was the Sahara pipeline that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months".

by Lurker Tue Sep 19, 2017 9:44 pm

The Fun of Growing Old!
The Officer’s face was red as a beet as I rolled my window down,
He loudly proclaimed that someone had been speeding through his town;
I knew he couldn’t be talking to me, as I replied with a frown,
Young man, I never have gone skiing with my britches down;

That’s not what I said, he snapped back at me, you were speeding through our town,
Well, I replied, I guess some folks do start peeing when they drown;
I could see he was really irritated, as he shouted out once more,
You were doing 75 when you passed the WalMart store;
Now listen young man, I calmly said, I can see you’re a little sore,
But it’s not my fault you’re 75 and married to a whore;

I could have sworn I saw some smoke coming out his ears,
As my dear wife beside me was laughing through her tears;
But the officer was jumping up and down, cursing with every breath,
Screaming out - you old deaf coots are going to be my death;

He came a little closer then, and looked me in the face,
He said, old man, you’ll have to find another place to race;
I’m writing you a ticket, and you’ll have to pay a fine,
I said - You were born in a thicket? And you’re a relative of mine?

For a moment I thought he was about to go for his gun,
He frowned and snapped right back at me, “So you think this is fun!”
I pretended not to hear - He said, You think this is funny?
But Sir, my wife quickly chimed in, we don’t carry any money;

I’m not asking you for money Ma’am, I’ve never taken a bribe,
Well, Arvil and I are Indian too, both from the Cherokee tribe;
He saw he was getting nowhere with us, totally frustrated,
As my wife continued to insist, we surely must be related;

No, we are not related Ma’am, of that I am quite sure,
What’s that? You say you think you stepped into some cow manure?
Suddenly, the officer grinned, and put away his book,
He just stood there speechless with a very confused look;
Where are you two headed? He asked with a quizzical grin,
Yes, we like our chicken breaded, and we like our gravy thin;
The poor old trooper had nothing to say, walking slowly back to his cruiser,
As my wife and I drove merrily away, commenting - What a loser!
© 2014 Arvil Jones

by veya_victaous Thu Sep 28, 2017 6:11 am

with the Gay marriage campaign down here we are seeing a lot of talk from bigots about a gay agenda

by Lurker Thu Sep 28, 2017 8:48 pm

Pedro was sexually a very experienced man when he got married to Maria, but she was totally naive.

On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria asked, 'Pedro! What is that?'

Pedro, a quick thinker, said, 'Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.'

And then he proudly proceeded to demonstrate to her what it was for. Maria was pleased. After their honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work. On returning home in the evening after his first day at work post honeymoon, Pedro found a very upset Maria waiting on their front porch.

'Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!'

Ever a fast thinker on his feet, Pedro said, 'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one.'

A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home from work the following evening, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.

'Maria? *Now* what's wrong???'

'Damn it, Pedro! You gave the better one to Gonzalez!'

by Lurker Sat Sep 30, 2017 3:42 pm

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"

by Lurker Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:25 pm

TO THE ADMIN OF THIS GROUP;
CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE CONTROL OVER WHO YOU LET IN. THERE IS A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SHE SENDS NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING A SAMSUNG GALAXY S8 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS.
I AM ESPECIALLY UPSET BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT, THE PHONE WASN'T EVEN A GALAXY S8... IT WAS A GALAXY S5 AND IT OBVIOUSLY HAS A VIRUS BECAUSE IT'S REALLY SLOW. IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH... THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON STICKS

by eddie Sun Oct 01, 2017 4:05 pm

Hahahahaha nice one Lurker.

by Lurker Wed Oct 04, 2017 12:43 am

On a flight to Chicago, there was this beautiful blonde girl. She was in economy class, but after takeoff she saw an empty seat in first class and moved up there.

An attendant saw her and said, “Excuse me, ma’am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here.” The blonde replied, “I can and I will.”

The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. “Ma’am, we really can’t have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy.” “You can’t make me move.”

The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn’t work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her.

After a quick chat with her, she moved.

The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, “I told her first class wasn’t going to Chicago.”

by Lurker Wed Oct 04, 2017 1:29 am

Knoxville,TN (AP) -A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Knoxville courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Tennessee Vols Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

by veya_victaous Fri Oct 06, 2017 5:40 am

by Lurker Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:26 am

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was from Massachusetts and not familiar with the N.C. backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I grabbed my J45 and started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…

by nicko Wed Oct 11, 2017 5:36 am

I still say your jokes are better than your Cartoons Laughing

by veya_victaous Thu Oct 12, 2017 4:50 am

by Lurker Thu Oct 12, 2017 10:20 pm

What Is Couple Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

by Lurker Thu Oct 12, 2017 10:21 pm

nicko wrote:I still say your jokes are better than your Cartoons

Nothing about Donald Trump is funny. You miss the point every time.

by Lurker Mon Oct 16, 2017 3:47 pm

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

by Lurker Tue Oct 31, 2017 1:05 pm

I thought this was a hilarious post by Bob Bentley:
Bob Bentley: The George Stephanopoulus report on George Papadopoulus has been cancelled due to a shortage of p's, g's, o's and e's.

by Original Quill Tue Oct 31, 2017 6:39 pm

No doubt they put on their Panteleopuolos and went home.

Only wolf will get that.

by veya_victaous Thu Nov 02, 2017 4:28 am

by eddie Sun Nov 05, 2017 3:46 pm

by nicko Sun Nov 05, 2017 4:10 pm

by Lurker Mon Nov 06, 2017 4:08 pm

I was working in the garden last weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.
I realized that I couldn't find the rake.
I yelled up to my wife, Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures.

"Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?
She replies,"

"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!

by Original Quill Tue Nov 21, 2017 4:08 pm

Hello…is this Gordon’s Pizza?

No sir, it's Google Pizza.

I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

OK.. I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual? You know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK! That’s what I want …

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

What? I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I don't want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol..

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug sale Network, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another drugstore.

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash..

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL?

I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, What’s App and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch or spy on me..

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.

by eddie Tue Nov 21, 2017 9:23 pm

That's really very good because it's really very true.

by Original Quill Wed Nov 22, 2017 4:38 am

eddie wrote:That's really very good because it's really very true.

Damn right it is. And that little red card that gets you the discounts at Safeway...oh, s'cuse...I mean Tesco, they keep records on everything else. Cool

by Lurker Wed Jan 31, 2018 1:33 pm

Skinny little Irish man goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irish man staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irish man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irish man says: 'Turner Brown?! .... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!!!!

by Lurker Wed Mar 07, 2018 12:18 pm

by Andy Fri Mar 09, 2018 5:46 pm

2The God of Thunder is in heaven, gagging for a spine shattering shag.
So he sends to earth a thunderbolt, and returns it with a 16 year old nubile nymphet virgin.
"Get ready my dear, I'm going to give you the ride of your life" he growls.
24 hours later, after a copulation marathon and countless explosions of carnal lust, he finally rolls off her, spent.
"My goodness, that was amazing", she whimpered. "But how did you get such stamina?"
"I have a confession, I am Thor".
""You think you're Thor. I'm tho thor I won't be able to pith for a week!"

by Andy Mon Mar 12, 2018 7:53 am

So.
Di died.
Dodi died.
Dodo died.
Doddy died.
Dido is getting very worried.

But sad news, Doddy was a very funny man. Saw him once, he told jokes for 3 hours without a break.
The audience needed a rest afterwards from.laughing so much.
R.I.P. Diddy Man.

by eddie Mon Apr 02, 2018 4:30 pm

by veya_victaous Tue Apr 03, 2018 3:07 am

by veya_victaous Wed Apr 04, 2018 2:35 am

by veya_victaous Tue Apr 10, 2018 5:35 am

by Fred Moletrousers Wed Apr 11, 2018 6:33 pm

STRAY CAT
One winter day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight.
Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.
He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,
with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.
We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant!
God only knows who the father is!'
Then he closed the door.
The silence was deafening.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even! Smile

(Another of the Musings of 'er indoors. Heard it at the local Women's Institute meeting I suppose)

by nicko Thu Apr 12, 2018 4:52 am

Like it !

by Lurker Thu Apr 12, 2018 1:10 pm

I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get that out of the way right off.... You wake up in a nursing home feeling a little bit better every day.... Finally they kick you out for being too healthy... You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension...
Then you start working and get a gold watch on the very first day! You work about 40 years until you're too young to work...
You get ready for high school, start partying, drinking beer and become generally promiscuous...
Then you go to grade school and play all day with no responsibilities...
Finally you become a baby... And THEN, you spend the last 9-months of your life floating peacefully, in spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap!
Then it all ends with a giant Orgasm!

~ George Carlin ~

by nicko Thu Apr 12, 2018 1:54 pm

I like the idea of that !

by veya_victaous Fri Apr 13, 2018 1:38 am

by Tommy Monk Fri Apr 13, 2018 7:54 pm

Archaeologists say they have discovered a new species of lesbian dinosaur...

...the 'lickalotapuss'...!!!

lol!

by Ben Reilly Sat Apr 14, 2018 12:13 am

What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino?

Elephino.

(not sorry)

by eddie Sat Apr 14, 2018 4:51 pm

Ben Mothafuckin' Reilly wrote:What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino?

Elephino.

(not sorry)

Huh? What the actual fuck, dude.

by Original Quill Sat Apr 14, 2018 5:21 pm

eddie wrote:
Ben Mothafuckin' Reilly wrote:What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino?

Elephino.

(not sorry)

Huh? What the actual fuck, dude.

He doesn't know either.

by eddie Sat Apr 14, 2018 6:03 pm

Original Quill wrote:
eddie wrote:
Ben Mothafuckin' Reilly wrote:What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino?

Elephino.

(not sorry)

Huh? What the actual fuck, dude.

He doesn't know either.

Yes Quill, I think you may be right.

by veya_victaous Tue May 08, 2018 6:57 am

by veya_victaous Mon May 14, 2018 2:21 am

by veya_victaous Mon May 14, 2018 5:08 am

by Andy Mon May 14, 2018 6:58 am

The Queen asked Harry if he needs the royal coach for his forthcoming wedding.
"No thanks Nanny, I will just hold onto her tits and let nature do the rest."

by Lurker Wed May 16, 2018 5:49 pm

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months

to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.”

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."

And ‘poof’ she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and ‘poof’ she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?", he ask

"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

by Lurker Thu May 17, 2018 1:06 pm

John goes to the Post Office for a job interview. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes - coffee." "Have you ever been in the military service? "Yes," he says, "I was in the army for two years." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" John says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay, you've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00AM and continue that schedule every day." John is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00PM, why do you want me to start here from 10:00AM?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

by Lurker Sun May 20, 2018 5:19 pm

by veya_victaous Tue May 22, 2018 1:54 am

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