Joke of the day

First topic message reminder :

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St Peter, He says " sisters, you have all led such exemplary lives that the lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.The first nun says, " I want to be Sophia Loren" and poof she is gone.The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she is gone.The third says " I want to be Sara Pipilini.St Peter looks perplexed. "Who" he asked."Sara Pipilini " replies the nun.St Peter shakes his head and says " I am sorry but that name does not ring a bell"The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing, he hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says " it was the Sahara pipeline that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months". 

NOT ALL ATHLETES ARE DUMB

Many in our new generation may not know some of these former professional athletes but I remember them all. Back in the day, it was never hard to get a priceless quote that years later still make you laugh

* -- Don Meredith, a former Dallas Cowboy Quarterback, once said: “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.”

* -- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach: “Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road.
My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.”

* -- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver: “Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.”

* -- Doug Sanders, professional golfer: “I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch on Tuesday, everything will be perfect.”

* -- Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher: “All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there is a fat guy doing great. Bring me another beer.’”

* -- Tommy Lasorda, Los Angeles Dodgers manager: “I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad I’m having them.”

* -- E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his twelve knee operations: “My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.”

* -- Vic Braden, tennis instructor: “My theory is that if you buy an ice cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.”

* -- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles: “I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.”

* -- John Breen, Houston Oilers: “We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.”

* -- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons: “The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.”

* -- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher: “When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.”

* -- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon: “Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.”

* -- Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach: “I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.”

*-- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game: “I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.”

* -- Bill Walton, Portland Trail Blazers: “I learned a long time ago that ‘minor surgery’ is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.”

* -- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores: “Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.”

* -- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach: “The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.”

And you thought Yogi was the only one whose mind worked this way.

* * *

HOW ABOUT THIS DELICIOUS LIST ON WHICH TO PONDER?

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever knmow?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you then read correctly?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

* * *

THERE ARE FACTS AND THEN THERE ARE ABSOLUTE FACTS

* -- When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison!

* -- To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

* -- When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

* -- Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."

Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."

* -- Cop: "Please step out of the car."

Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."

* -- I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

* -- I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

* -- Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

* -- If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"

* -- When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

* -- Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

* -- I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

* -- I run like the winded.

* -- I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning, and I don't know whose side I'm on.

* -- When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

* -- I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

* -- When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

* -- I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

* -- When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

* -- It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

* -- Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

* -- That moment when you walk into a spider web and very suddenly it turns you into a karate master.

* -- Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

* -- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

* -- My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

* * *

Much rather read your jokes than your hateful Cartoons !

nicko wrote:Much rather read your jokes than your hateful Cartoons !

Change that to "truthful" cartoons!

Still prefer your Jokes, your wasted otherwise !

There is no way anyone could be hateful to Trump. Trump is the poster child for hateful.

"Anyone been offered sex on a job?
I was offered sex with a 31 year old woman yesterday . In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla."

Lurker, you put the odd joke in so you can't be accused of spamming, sussed that a long time ago !

niko, get over your obsession with me...

Lurker, get over your obsession with Trump, it's rotting your brain . I'm trying to help you, OCD is taking over your life,can you not see that ?

I don't need help. Go help some homeless people.

nicko wrote:Lurker, get over your obsession with Trump, it's rotting your brain .  I'm trying to help you,  OCD is taking over your life,can you not see that ?

Hahaha...you sound like someone in the 30's...get over your obsession with Hitler! Trump is organized crime. Is there something you want to tell us, nick?

Only that the way things are going , you'll have Trump for another 5 years !

nicko wrote:Only that the way things are going , you'll have Trump for another 5 years !

I don't say one way or the other. The Democratic candidate field isn't great. Probably the best is Tom Steyer...who's he? That 's the problem. Joe Biden will die in office. Bitchy Warren has seen her shot. Amy? Pete? Mike Bloomberg is a recycled Republicans. All that is left is Sanders, and he has no administrative experience.

But with under 40% support, Trump will have to depend on the same way he got in in 2016...the non-vote. If Democrats simply turn out, Trump will lose.

YES, YOU CAN GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN

A man spent all his life alone, finding no love. At age 96, he dies and goes to heaven.

At the same time, a woman spent all her life alone, finding no love. At age 102, she dies and goes to heaven.

As chance has it, they both meet at the heavenly library, discovering they both have a deep love for books, they start talking and amazingly enough, after a lifetime of unhappiness, fall in love.

They walk up to God and ask to be married. "Give me some time," Says God, "and I’ll get back to you. This is quite extraordinary."

Four years pass, and after the couple waited patiently, God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.

A few centuries pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask, sadly, for a divorce.

God responds: “It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”

A farmer went to an auction where they were selling retired circus animals. He bought a Zebra and took it back to his farm and turned it loose with all of his livestock. The Zebra walks up to a cow and says "what do you do around here all day"? The cow replies "I eat grass all day and the farmer comes twice a day and takes my milk". The Zebra then walks up to a pig and says "what do you do around here all day"? The pig says "I lay around in the mud all day, eat and get fat"... The Zebra then walks into the barn and sees a Stud Horse. He walks up and says "what do you do around here all day"? The Horse said "If you'll take off those fancy pajamas I'll show ya"!!

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

Like that one !

EUROPEANS REACT STRONGLY TO CORONAVIRUS

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to the recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the B*****d.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

The Russians have said “It’s not us”

NOTE: This script from Monty Python has been altered slightly in an effort to remind people hysterical is better than hysteria.

I saw this in one of my guitar Facebook pages. LOL

"How many singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The singer holds the bulb and the whole world revolves around him."

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
“Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, Your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said,
“I want to hang out with God.”
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented,
“Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?”
Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”
God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally, he said,
“Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”
God said, “Yes.”
“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!”
“Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some keywords, And waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur,
“but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

Trump

"The only time I have used algebra since high school is when I think about my x and ask myself y!"

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

“It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from CBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted

Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.”

"FHRITP" stands for ....

Fascist
Homophobic
Racist
Intolerant
Transphobic
and
Patriarchal

Prove me wrong ...

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

Two old ladies are sharing a cigarette outside their nursing home when it starts to rain.

One of them says "no worries!" and cuts the end off a condom, slipping it over the cigarette. "There, it's waterproof," she says.

The other lady thinks that's a great idea, so she goes to the pharmacy and asks for a box of condoms.

The embarrassed pharmacist asks, "what size?"

To which the old lady says, "big enough to fit on a Camel!"

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each others stories.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

"Perfect, you're on"

At age 42, they meet and play golf again

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"Yeah, boy! Let's do it!"

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So, where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 80 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

"OK, let's give it a try!"

To be perfectly honest Tommy was a bit of a failure as an apprentice zoo keeper...
First of all the head keeper put him in charge of part of the tropical fish aquarium. He got centigrade and Fahrenheit mixed up, and all the fish died.
So the head keeper threw the fishy corpses into the lion enclosure enclosure as food as it would be a shame to waste them.
Next, Tommy was given the job of clearing up in the chimpanzee enclosure, but forgot to shut and lock the gate after he had finished. The chimps got out and all got run over and killed on the motorway next to the zoo fence.
So the head keeper retrieved the bodies and threw them in the lion enclosure as it would be a shame to waste chimp meat.
Thinking that Tommy couldn’t possibly do any harm in the insect department where a rare hive of African honey bees was located, but when one stung him on the arm Tommy ran amok with a can of insect killer and wiped out the entire colony.
So the head keeper decided to crush all the dead bees to a pulp and which he added to the lions’ food as it would have been a shame to waste all that protein.
Then he fired Tommy...
The following day a new lion was introduced into the lion enclosure and asked Leo, the oldest and most senior lion, who ambled over to welcome him “what’s the food here like, mate?”
“Oh, it’s pretty good, and they try to give us a variety of things to eat. In fact during the past week we’ve even had fish, chimps and mushy bees...”

To be perfectly honest Tommy was a bit of a failure as an apprentice zoo keeper...
First of all the head keeper put him in charge of part of the tropical fish aquarium. He got centigrade and Fahrenheit mixed up, and all the fish died.
So the head keeper threw the fishy corpses into the lion enclosure enclosure as food as it would be a shame to waste them.
Next, Tommy was given the job of clearing up in the chimpanzee enclosure, but forgot to shut and lock the gate after he had finished. The chimps got out and all got run over and killed on the motorway next to the zoo fence.
So the head keeper retrieved the bodies and threw them in the lion enclosure as it would be a shame to waste chimp meat.
Thinking that Tommy couldn’t possibly do any harm in the insect department where a rare hive of African honey bees was located, the head keeper gave him the job of checking that their temperature control was working, but when one stung him on the arm Tommy ran amok with a can of insect killer and wiped out the entire colony.
So the head keeper decided to crush all the dead bees to a pulp and which he added to the lions’ food as it would have been a shame to waste all that protein.
Then he fired Tommy...
The following day a new lion was introduced into the lion enclosure and asked Leo, the oldest and most senior lion, who ambled over to welcome him “what’s the food here like, mate?”
“Oh, it’s pretty good, and they try to give us a variety of things to eat,” replied Leo. “In fact during the past week we’ve even had fish, chimps and mushy bees...”

Sorry, having problems with posting tonight

And Tommy the apprentice big cat keeper was fired after being caught having a secret wank in the big cat house.
In his defence, he said he thought he heard his boss tell him to unload the loins.