Joke of the day

by Andy Tue May 13, 2014 8:18 pm

First topic message reminder :

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St Peter, He says " sisters, you have all led such exemplary lives that the lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.The first nun says, " I want to be Sophia Loren" and poof she is gone.The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she is gone.The third says " I want to be Sara Pipilini.St Peter looks perplexed. "Who" he asked."Sara Pipilini " replies the nun.St Peter shakes his head and says " I am sorry but that name does not ring a bell"The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing, he hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says " it was the Sahara pipeline that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months".

by veya_victaous Wed May 23, 2018 4:46 am

by Lurker Sat May 26, 2018 12:51 pm

THE NEW DONALD TRUMP POSTAGE STAMP
The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of Cheeto-Faced Ferret-Wearing Shit Gibbon. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.
* * *
YOU CAN DRIVE YOUR KIDS CRAZY WITH THESE
Schools are out for the summr aand here are a few one-liners that will drive the cookie-crumblers crazy:
* -- What kind of bird always has a good time? A lark.
* -- Why did the girl put her bandages in the refrigerator? In case she got a cold cut.
* -- What do spies call a bad day of fishing? Fishin impossible.
* -- What do Santas helpers learn in school? The Elf-abet.
* -- Why did the moon skip desert? It was full.
* -- Why did the piece of wood think it was a king? Because it was a ruler.
* -- Who can jump higher than a 15-story building? Anyone, buildings can’t jump.
* -- What did summer say to spring? Catch me, I’m going to fall.
* -- What are two things you can never eat for breakfast? Lunch and dinner.
* -- What has 18 legs, 18 arms, and catches flies? A baseball team.
* -- What starts with "e", ends with "e", but only has one letter in it? Envelope.
* -- What loses a head in the morning, but gets it back at night? A pillow.
* -- How can you tell a dog from a tree? By their barks.
* -- What gets bigger the more you take from it? A hole.
THREE SONS ATTEND DAD’S FUNERAL
A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.
However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there. Finally, it was the heart-broken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
He later became a Congressman.
* * *
WHEN OL’ TOM THE RANCHER GOT MARRIED AGAIN
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could sense certain needs of a young woman could not be satisfactory handled by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
Don't ever underestimate old guys!
* * *
WHEN INSULTS WERE MUCH MORE FUN THAN VULGAR WORDS
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” Disraeli replied: “That depends, Sir, on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." -Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second . . . if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts . . . for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx
* * *
TALES YOU HEAR AROUND THE COFFEE SHOP
“I can’t take it anymore, it’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!” says a man to his friend.
“Don’t you mean ‘hysterical’?” asked his friend.
“No, I mean historical, every argument we have, she’ll go, ‘I still remember that time when you…’ ”
- - -
I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!
- - -
An old man and old woman have been friends for years. Eventually, the man asks, ‘Will you marry me?’
The woman says, ‘Yes, I will.’
The next day, the man wakes up worried, he knew he’d proposed, but couldn’t remember how she’d answered. Nervously, he phones her. ‘When I asked if you would marry me, what did you say?’ The woman answers, ‘I said ‘Yes I will’ and I’m glad you called, because I couldn’t remember who’d asked me.’
- - -
Mike had a problem getting up in the morning – he was always late for work. His boss said he was on his last warning. So Mike went to his doctor who gave him some pills to take before bed. He slept well and beat the alarm in the morning by a whole hour.
When he arrived at work, he said, “Boss, the pills actually worked!”
“That’s great,” said his boss, “but where were you yesterday?
- - -
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes,” she sighed, “he’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
- - -
A LESSON FROM THE WHITE HOUSE FENCE
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? "The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked!

by Lurker Wed Jun 06, 2018 4:50 pm

Thank You
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
Oh, by the way.....A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

by Lurker Sat Jun 09, 2018 4:50 pm

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke.
When it starts to rain, Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age),
but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

by Lurker Fri Jul 06, 2018 1:34 pm

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot "Watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said "That was impressive but watch this!"

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked "What the heck did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled and said "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll".

The moral of the story: When you are young and foolish speed and flash may seem a good thing! When you get older and smarter comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!

Older folks understand this one. It's called: S.O.S. [Slower, Older, and Smarter!]

by veya_victaous Mon Jul 09, 2018 12:49 am

by Lurker Wed Jul 18, 2018 12:28 am

Wisdom from Grandpa...

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

First you forget names, and then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, and then...Oh, my goodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want to people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

by Lurker Fri Jul 27, 2018 5:29 pm

“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked.

"I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.”

~Watch your words carefully~

by Lurker Sun Jul 29, 2018 9:36 pm

I found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear that Fluffy died?"

I said, "Um... no... what happened?"

The neighbor replied, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"

by Lurker Wed Aug 01, 2018 10:08 pm

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this.)

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

Never take life too seriously.

by Lurker Sun Aug 12, 2018 4:58 pm

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

(but wait, there's more...)

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother.

by Lurker Sun Aug 12, 2018 11:15 pm

http://www.terrybisson.com/page6/page6.html

"THEY'RE MADE OUT OF MEAT"

by Lurker Tue Aug 14, 2018 12:17 am

My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife.

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your brother and I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and complaining. Too bad that doesn't work anymore.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment......and when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with my brother because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday; I left my job & bought two tickets for us to Paris. When I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Rich As Hell Ex-Husband Who Is Now Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.

by nicko Tue Aug 14, 2018 6:33 am

by Lurker Wed Aug 15, 2018 11:01 pm

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.' The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, 'You know, I think my girl was dead!' 'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?' 'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.'

His friend says, 'Could be worse I think mine was a witch.'
'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'
'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... took my teeth with her!'

by Original Quill Thu Aug 16, 2018 2:55 am

Now that's funny. Joke of the day - Page 11 3489511464

by Fred Moletrousers Thu Aug 16, 2018 10:31 am

My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife.

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your brother Carl and I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and complaining. Too bad that doesn't work anymore.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment......and when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with my brother Carl because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday; I left my job & bought two tickets for us to Paris. When I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Rich As Hell Ex-Husband Who Is Now Free

Ps. Did I ever mention that my brother Carl was born Carla?

by Lurker Thu Aug 16, 2018 2:30 pm

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

by Lurker Thu Aug 16, 2018 3:35 pm

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his clothes on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, " If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!!!

by Lurker Thu Aug 16, 2018 3:38 pm

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

by Lurker Wed Aug 22, 2018 5:39 pm

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House was on lockdown Thursday morning after a television was hurled out of a window, the Secret Service reported.

The incident, which occurred shortly after 10 A.M. E.S.T., caught the attention of the Secret Service after agents heard the sound of smashing glass emanating from the Oval Office.

“The sound was consistent with that of a large object, such as a television set, being thrown through a closed window,” a Secret Service spokesman said.

The television, which crashed to the ground outside the Oval Office, injured no one, the Secret Service confirmed.

A group of fourth-grade students from Bethesda, Maryland, was on a White House tour when the incident involving the television occurred.

“I heard someone screaming lots of swear words and then, like, this big crash,” Zach Dorrinson, a student on the tour, said. “It was messed up.”

Andy Borowitz

by Lurker Wed Aug 22, 2018 5:41 pm

by nicko Wed Aug 22, 2018 8:02 pm

Like it !

by Lurker Sun Sep 02, 2018 2:47 pm

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.

He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an (expletive)!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

"Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for (expletive)?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

How often can one get an attorney to incriminate his own client?

by veya_victaous Tue Sep 11, 2018 2:26 am

by Lurker Sun Sep 16, 2018 1:31 pm

My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the £300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the prison. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!

by Lurker Sat Oct 13, 2018 1:59 pm

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

Not All Seniors Are Senile...

by Lurker Sat Oct 13, 2018 5:20 pm

I heard the writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I’m not joking... but I think HE is.

by veya_victaous Thu Oct 25, 2018 1:52 am

by Lurker Fri Nov 02, 2018 3:54 pm

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! What are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey you!”

The Monkey looks down and says, “Duuuuuuuuuude…….how much water did you drink?!”

by Lurker Wed Nov 14, 2018 12:57 pm

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

by Original Quill Wed Nov 14, 2018 5:32 pm

by Lurker Thu Dec 06, 2018 1:26 pm

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.

by Lurker Thu Dec 20, 2018 4:16 pm

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his pants

The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants?"

Pirate looks at him and says, "Argh it's driving me nuts"

by Lurker Wed Dec 26, 2018 2:34 pm

"Just talked to a single buddy of mine who's disappointed with how his Christmas turned out. When I asked him what he got for Christmas, he rather sadly said "a sweater". He then told me what he really had hoped for was a "screamer", but would have been happy with a "moaner". But, as fate would have it, he got a "sweater"."

by Lurker Mon Jan 14, 2019 9:52 pm

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

by Lurker Tue Jan 15, 2019 12:35 am

When I die, I want to die in my sleep like my father did.

Not screaming and crying like his passengers.

by Lurker Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:08 pm

by nicko Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:33 pm

Must say Lurker, you come up with the goods Laughing

by Lurker Thu Jan 24, 2019 1:46 pm

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

by Lurker Fri Jan 25, 2019 6:34 pm

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink – he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him. The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely – but more firmly – refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”

by Lurker Thu Jan 31, 2019 5:56 pm

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!

by Lurker Thu Jan 31, 2019 6:19 pm

by Lurker Thu Jan 31, 2019 6:59 pm

by Lurker Thu Feb 07, 2019 9:49 pm

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.'
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears.
'Yes, I do,' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too,' she replied softly

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'

by Lurker Thu Feb 14, 2019 1:46 am

by Lurker Sat Feb 23, 2019 1:49 pm

by Lurker Sun Mar 03, 2019 3:19 am

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.

by Lurker Tue Mar 05, 2019 12:49 pm

From Chattanoogan.com....

WHY TURN YOUR BACKS ON EXPERIENCE, KNOWLEDGE AND NO MORE MATERNITY LEAVE?
I am over 70 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some jerk that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB.
If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
And on drafting women … How about recruiting women over 50... in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Oh my gosh! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

by nicko Tue Mar 05, 2019 1:27 pm

That is 100% true, if I could get out of my Wheel Chair I'd join in !

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