Joke of the day

by Andy Tue May 13, 2014 8:18 pm

First topic message reminder :

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St Peter, He says " sisters, you have all led such exemplary lives that the lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.The first nun says, " I want to be Sophia Loren" and poof she is gone.The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she is gone.The third says " I want to be Sara Pipilini.St Peter looks perplexed. "Who" he asked."Sara Pipilini " replies the nun.St Peter shakes his head and says " I am sorry but that name does not ring a bell"The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing, he hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says " it was the Sahara pipeline that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months".

by Lurker Thu Jun 11, 2015 2:57 pm

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.
She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around.
Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

(Thanks, Stretch Man)

by veya_victaous Tue Jun 16, 2015 6:20 am

by veya_victaous Tue Jun 16, 2015 6:37 am

by veya_victaous Wed Jun 17, 2015 2:14 am

for victor

Joke of the day - Page 4 I3646gj

by Lurker Fri Jun 19, 2015 1:10 am

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve You, but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

21. Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

by Lurker Sun Jun 21, 2015 2:13 pm

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

(Thanks Stretch Man)

by veya_victaous Mon Jun 22, 2015 12:31 am

For Tommy

by veya_victaous Thu Jun 25, 2015 3:36 am

lolz
I'm not sure if this is sexist

by Lurker Sun Jul 12, 2015 5:42 pm

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties and used them.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.’

by Lurker Sun Jul 12, 2015 6:20 pm

IDIOT SIGHTING.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
IDIOT SIGHTING.
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fastfood and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
IDIOT SIGHTING.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
IDIOT SIGHTING.
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
IDIOT SIGHTING.
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

by veya_victaous Wed Jul 15, 2015 12:53 am

by veya_victaous Fri Jul 17, 2015 2:54 am

by Original Quill Fri Jul 17, 2015 5:21 pm

veya_victaous wrote:

by Lurker Sat Jul 18, 2015 3:08 am

A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.

She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asks.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in- law explains.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaims.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law answers.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can't get enough of me!"

The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.

When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"This is my love dress," she whispers sensually.

"Needs ironing," he says. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

by Lurker Sun Jul 19, 2015 1:24 am

Put in an extra stitch. From a father talking to the provider AND from a provider talking to a father. Yeah, 'cause that didn't make me just throw up in my mouth. Officially, the only time I've rolled my eyes in front of a patient. One time I couldn't even help it...I asked the father "how small does the doctor need to make it?" :/

If you put a catheter in me, will the baby be able to come out? From many patients. Am I the only woman out there that has explored her own body?!? ...or paid attention during anatomy class? You have three holes down there!

I'm the only one that gets to suck on those. From a father who wouldn't let his wife breastfeed. This was the first time I've ever wanted to hit someone in the head

There's plenty of room in here. From a provider talking to a woman while doing a vaginal exam. Ummm, because I really want a room full of people to hear that my vagina is big enough to have a ten pound baby. For the love of God, have some decency and say "it'll be a tight fit, but our bodies are capable of great things!"

Right now you have a vaginus. From a provider, telling the woman how bad her laceration was. Because that's not confusing or frightening at all...

Oh, he has a little penis just like his dad did. From a mother-in-law looking at her newborn grandson right after delivery. This was only the "worst" for the dad. This was the "best" for everyone else in the room Everyone else could.not.stop.laughing. The dad turned every shade of red.

My boyfriend checked me and said I was dilating. From a woman who let her partner do too much exploring. He knew how dilated she was from his experience working in a coffee shop. FYI -- don't try this at home :/

You smell like your momma's stinky kooch -- A grandmother, talking to the freshly delivered newborn.

Grandpa, you can take pictures -- A nursery nurse to the man standing next to the warmer. Unfortunately, it was her husband, not her dad :/ lol

by veya_victaous Tue Jul 21, 2015 1:57 am

by Lurker Wed Jul 22, 2015 1:51 am

A man worked with a married woman side by side for weeks; they were a team doing the same job. He had become very attracted to her. He could not hold it in any longer, so one day he just told her how attracted he was to her, and he would like to make love to her. She said she loved her husband and would not do such a thing. The next day he told her he would give her 50 dollars if she would let him make love to her. She again told him no. He said I will lay the money on the floor and it will be over before you can pick it up. Again she said no. This time when she gets home she tells her husband. He said what can he possibly do before you can pick the money up? Tell him 200 dollars and call; make the time around 4 o'clock. Call me as soon as you pick the money up. So the next day 4 o'clock came. The husband waited; 4 thirty came. He tried to call repeatedly. Finally she called at 5 thirty. What took so long, he asked? The money was in quarters, she said!

by veya_victaous Fri Jul 24, 2015 12:31 am

by Lurker Sat Jul 25, 2015 2:38 pm

by Lurker Sat Jul 25, 2015 5:01 pm

by Guest Sun Jul 26, 2015 8:56 pm

by Fred Moletrousers Mon Jul 27, 2015 12:15 pm

The doctor had been called out late at night in the middle of a violent storm to an isolated house where a young mother was just about to give birth.

At the crucial moment there was a power cut, so the doctor handed his torch to the mum's six-year-old son Billy and told him to point it between her legs so that he could see to deliver the baby.

The birth was successful and the doc lightly tapped the baby's bottom to start him breathing. "There," he said to Billy who had been watching wide-eyed in amazement. "Thank you for helping...and you have a new baby brother."

"Hmmm," said Billy. "Well, I would slap him again if I were you because he shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place."

by Lurker Fri Jul 31, 2015 5:32 pm

What Happens One Hour After Drinking A Can Of PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer)

1. First 10 Minutes

12 ounces of pure, unaltered ecstasy hijack your sensory receptors, taking you on a thrill ride equivalent to a thousand orgasms.

2. 20 Minutes

A surge in charisma causes you to impress anyone you meet. Additionally, a spike in your auditory perception allows you to overhear everyone whispering (of you), “I wish I was him/her."

3. 40 Minutes

Your stimulated neurons go into hyperdrive, causing an instant discharge of profound thoughts from your mouth. Every idea you have is utter genius.

4. 45 Minutes

The prefrontal cortex is completely shut off, liberating you of worries or doubts. This state of euphoria causes some to leap from buildings, thinking PBR has given them the gift of flight. (It has.)

5. 60 Minutes

Any physical or mental ailments from which you suffer vanish permanently. The beer has hisorically been used as a treatment for chronic sobriety.

6. >60 Minutes

After an hour, your soul breaks free from the confinements of a physical body, letting you explore the secrets of the universe. God will make himself visible and bestow upon you all of his glorious knowledge and wisdom.

7. >60 Minutes

This is when you throw up.

by Lurker Sun Aug 02, 2015 3:35 pm

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!
Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

by veya_victaous Tue Aug 04, 2015 12:30 am

or trucking Joke of the day - Page 4 3201073460

by veya_victaous Tue Aug 04, 2015 5:23 am

by Lurker Wed Aug 05, 2015 6:14 pm

by veya_victaous Thu Aug 06, 2015 2:46 am

by Lurker Fri Aug 07, 2015 2:03 pm

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

by Lurker Fri Aug 07, 2015 4:59 pm

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junky car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hottie, a 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. So I said to my wife "it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

by Lurker Sun Aug 16, 2015 3:50 pm

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

by Lurker Sun Aug 23, 2015 10:21 pm

by Lurker Tue Aug 25, 2015 3:49 pm

A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana.
He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of."
"Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?"
The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon.
"That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to."
"Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on.
Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner.
As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000."
The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left.
The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!"
The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."

by Guest Tue Aug 25, 2015 5:11 pm

by veya_victaous Thu Aug 27, 2015 12:10 am

by Lurker Thu Aug 27, 2015 9:31 pm

by Tommy Monk Thu Aug 27, 2015 9:39 pm

Joke of the decade...

Labour party allowing free and fair election of the new labour leader!!!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-34060453

by Lurker Fri Aug 28, 2015 12:41 am

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

by Lurker Sun Aug 30, 2015 2:50 pm

When I was in school I was told:
PUSSY was a CAT
SEX was a GENDER
BITCH was a FEMALE DOG
DICK was a NAME
BANG was a SOUND
RUBBER was an ERASER
ASS was an ANIMAL
SCREW was just a FASTENER
HEAD meant a PART OF THE BODY
BALLS meant a ROUND TOY
NUTS meant a DRY FRUIT
69 was just a NUMBER
& then I came across all you dirty f***ers and my education was ruined.

by Lurker Sun Aug 30, 2015 2:58 pm

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply
about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked,
Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?

by Guest Sun Aug 30, 2015 3:13 pm

Lurker wrote:

Nice one Lurker! Joke of the day - Page 4 Thumbs10

by Guest Sun Aug 30, 2015 3:16 pm

Tommy Monk wrote:

Joke of the decade...

Labour party allowing free and fair election of the new labour leader!!!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-34060453

Aww, I almost want to give you a hug after that post Tommy; did expect a fair election? I've heard that many have joined Labour and are voting for Corbyn because they believe he will destroy the party! Sabotage, or that's what will be claimed when it all goes pear shaped Laughing

by Original Quill Sun Aug 30, 2015 5:35 pm

feelthelove wrote:
Tommy Monk wrote:

Joke of the decade...

Labour party allowing free and fair election of the new labour leader!!!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-34060453

Aww, I almost want to give you a hug after that post Tommy; did expect a fair election? I've heard that many have joined Labour and are voting for Corbyn because they believe he will destroy the party! Sabotage, or that's what will be claimed when it all goes pear shaped

Similarly, there's a rumor going around that Donald Trump is running for the purpose of bringing down the Republican Party. We already know he's a good friend of Hilary Clinton and that he invited them to his wedding. We know people can't decide whether he is the joke, or the Republican Party is Comedy Central. Indeed, both could be true.

by Lurker Wed Sep 09, 2015 6:58 pm

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

by Guest Wed Sep 09, 2015 7:01 pm

Lurker wrote:A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

lol like that...

by Lurker Wed Sep 09, 2015 8:43 pm

Two priests, a monsignor and one new recruit, flying to a conference/retreat in Pittsburg. The Junior priest had never flown before. The monsignor directed him to go to the ticket counter and get them a couple of tickets, so away he went. On reaching the counter, he was greeted by a buxom lady with deep cleavage. He flushed and was momentarily struck dumb, fleeing immediately back to the monsignor. He explained what happened and that he was just too flustered to make the ticket purchase, so the monsignor, disgusted and irritated, marched over to the counter. The same lady asked if she could help him .. he stuttered and stammered and finally blurted out "Give me two pickets to tittsburg!"

by Lurker Fri Sep 11, 2015 2:27 pm

by Lurker Fri Sep 11, 2015 2:44 pm

by Lurker Sat Sep 12, 2015 3:22 pm

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, but what seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies, "It's my husband - he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "He's been doing these stupid things.
Firstly, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"
"And he keeps on picking his nose all the time!! Even in public!!"
"Hmm... anything else?"
"And..", the wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband comes in. The counselor says, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What can be the problem?!?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. Firstly, you're always acting strange in public - looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death-bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said then!"
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counselor looks amused, "Err.. actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh..okay."
The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Aha! Another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean!"
The counselor looks faint, "Err.. that means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh..", says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your love-making."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his death-bed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?"
The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said.. Don't screw up."

by Fred Moletrousers Sat Sep 12, 2015 5:28 pm

NATIONAL LEVELS OF ALERT - THREATS TO EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

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