Should parents/grandparents ask for permission before they hug their kids?

"A woman has gone viral on TikTok after posting a video where she explains why she won’t let people - including her own parents - hug or kiss her one-year-old daughter without the child’s permission.

TikToker, Brittany Baxter said that as a parent she “practices consent” with her daughter and has done so “basically since the day she was born.”

Baxter then goes on to say what has been “bothering” her:

“Can we please start normalising the fact that kids do not have to kiss in front of adults? My daughter’s almost two years old and I’ve been in the process of teaching her consent basically since the day that she’s been born, and I find it really f**king unhelpful when the adults in her life are like ‘What?! We have to ask for a kiss and a hug?’, even though I’ve explained why multiple times.”



https://www.indy100.com/viral/woman-debate-parents-permission-hugging-child-b1836824

Particularly when so many uncles, grandfathers and 'new' boyfriends are behind the spate of sexual abuses.

There is no reason that little girls--or little boys, for that matter--must put up with intimate gestures that are deliberately ambiguous. Building a sense of distance is a good thing.

Original Quill wrote:Particularly when so many uncles, grandfathers and 'new' boyfriends are behind the spate of sexual abuses.

There is no reason that little girls--or little boys, for that matter--must put up with intimate gestures that are deliberately ambiguous.  Building a sense of distance is a good thing.

I agree that Kids should never have to put up with unwanted kisses and hugs from adults, no matter who they are.

I would never have gone as far as insisting close family or friends ask for permission, but I do hate to see kids squirming to get out of the clutches of any family member when the child obviously doesn't feel like being affectionate.

How does one year old give permission. Does she have a hug consent form?

And if you think an adult is a sexual threat to your child, they shouldn't even be around them. Otherwise, don't sexualize hugs.

My dog hates being kissed and cuddled unless he's in the mood. I totally disregard his right to say no, and fondle and kiss his ears to my eternal delight. Every so often, at the height of the torture, he heaves a big sigh.

Maddog wrote:How does one year old give permission. Does she have a hug consent form?

And if you think an adult is a sexual threat to your child, they shouldn't even be around them. Otherwise, don't sexualize hugs.

Obviously babies cant give permission.
Toddlers can be forward in what they want or dont want. I would hope that adults wouldn't want to kiss and cuddle a child who obviously doesn't want to be kissed and cuddled......unfortunately some do.

The mum in the OP sounds a bit strident though. I feel sorry for the kids grandparents, they must feel like they cant interact with their grand daughter naturally.

Syl wrote:

Maddog wrote:How does one year old give permission. Does she have a hug consent form?

And if you think an adult is a sexual threat to your child, they shouldn't even be around them. Otherwise, don't sexualize hugs.

Obviously babies cant give permission.
Toddlers can be forward in what they want or dont want. I would hope that adults wouldn't want to kiss and cuddle a child who obviously doesn't want to be kissed and cuddled......unfortunately some do.

The mum in the OP sounds a bit strident though. I feel sorry for the kids grandparents, they must feel like they cant interact with their grand daughter naturally.

I like your first point even better: that one is trying to teach a child that it is his/her right to refuse unwanted expressions. In that sense, you are trying to teach a child about independence and self-sufficiency, which amounts to consent.

Original Quill wrote:

Syl wrote:

Obviously babies cant give permission.
Toddlers can be forward in what they want or dont want. I would hope that adults wouldn't want to kiss and cuddle a child who obviously doesn't want to be kissed and cuddled......unfortunately some do.

The mum in the OP sounds a bit strident though. I feel sorry for the kids grandparents, they must feel like they cant interact with their grand daughter naturally.

I like your first point even better: that one is trying to teach a child that it is his/her right to refuse unwanted expressions.  In that sense, you are trying to teach a child about independence and self-sufficiency, which amounts to consent.

Hopefully, by the time a child is without a trusted adult watching their every move, they will have been taught they have rights not to be kissed and hugged if they dont want to be.

Better than demanding that all family members have to ask for permission to be affectionate.

Syl wrote:

Maddog wrote:How does one year old give permission. Does she have a hug consent form?

And if you think an adult is a sexual threat to your child, they shouldn't even be around them. Otherwise, don't sexualize hugs.

Obviously babies cant give permission.
Toddlers can be forward in what they want or dont want. I would hope that adults wouldn't want to kiss and cuddle a child who obviously doesn't want to be kissed and cuddled......unfortunately some do.

The mum in the OP sounds a bit strident though. I feel sorry for the kids grandparents, they must feel like they cant interact with their grand daughter naturally.

Life's about doing things you don't really feel like. Obviously something harmful is different. Kids have been getting hugs from the smelly, weird, fat aunt forever though.

My ex is Italian-American. They hug and kiss everyone. It's part of their culture. My folks are Midwest, German, Lutheran. Pretty damn un unaffectionate. I like my ex's family better in that regard (holy shit they can be loud though). My daughters had to give everyone a hug and a kiss when they met a family member. I'm pretty sure they will require the same of their daughters when they get here.

HoratioTarr wrote:My dog hates being kissed and cuddled unless he's in the mood.  I totally disregard his right to say no, and fondle and kiss his ears to my eternal delight.   Every so often, at the height of the torture, he heaves a big sigh.  

This made me laugh out loud. My cats are the same!

HoratioTarr wrote:My dog hates being kissed and cuddled unless he's in the mood.  I totally disregard his right to say no, and fondle and kiss his ears to my eternal delight.   Every so often, at the height of the torture, he heaves a big sigh.  

If you wrote a book, I would read it

I love how you express yourself

gelico wrote:

HoratioTarr wrote:My dog hates being kissed and cuddled unless he's in the mood.  I totally disregard his right to say no, and fondle and kiss his ears to my eternal delight.   Every so often, at the height of the torture, he heaves a big sigh.  

If you wrote a book, I would read it

I love how you express yourself

She has written a book Gels, she is very talented is our Horatio.

Maddog wrote:

Syl wrote:

Obviously babies cant give permission.
Toddlers can be forward in what they want or dont want. I would hope that adults wouldn't want to kiss and cuddle a child who obviously doesn't want to be kissed and cuddled......unfortunately some do.

The mum in the OP sounds a bit strident though. I feel sorry for the kids grandparents, they must feel like they cant interact with their grand daughter naturally.

Life's about doing things you don't really feel like. Obviously something harmful is different. Kids have been getting hugs from the smelly, weird, fat aunt forever though.

My ex is Italian-American. They hug and kiss everyone. It's part of their culture. My folks are Midwest, German, Lutheran. Pretty damn un unaffectionate. I like my ex's family better in that regard (holy shit they can be loud though). My daughters had to give everyone a hug and a kiss when they met a family member. I'm pretty sure they will require the same of their daughters when they get here.    

The ideal would be somewhere in the middle.
I was brought up with love, but we were certainly not a kissy huggy kind of family. When I had my own family we were more affectionate, but my son would never allow the aunties to give him a cuddle if he didn't want one....and I think that was his right. I would never have told anyone to ask permission though...that's a bit to tree huggerish for my taste.

I do remember reading once that some children who develop cold sores very early in life have been infected by adults kissing them as babies....that actually turned my stomach.

as far as i recall my mum and dad never needed to ask because as soon as i saw them i would just hand the baby/child over.

Beanie didn't like her grandad kissing her face because it hurt (sharp whiskers on soft tender skin can be very raspy).

i asked him not to do it and there was no problem, they had a wonderful close relationship from the moment she was born and she would happily fling herself on to his lap and stay there with her arms wrapped round him, even when she was adult.

i do think no kid should be forced into kissing Great Aunt Agatha's whiskery, craggy, crusty old face that looks in serious danger of literally falling off the front of her head at any given moment...but there

i don't have grandkids but if i did i would be inclined to ask merely out of respect for my own kids,,,,,i think.  if i actually did get presented with a grandchild then that good intention might just get blown out the window

can't say right now

gelico wrote:as far as i recall my mum and dad never needed to ask because as soon as i saw them i would just hand the baby/child over.

Beanie didn't like her grandad kissing her face because it hurt (sharp whiskers on soft tender skin can be very raspy).

i asked him not to do it and there was no problem, they had a wonderful close relationship from the moment she was born and she would happily fling herself on to his lap and stay there with her arms wrapped round him, even when she was adult.

i do think no kid should be forced into kissing Great Aunt Agatha's whiskery, craggy, crusty old face that looks in serious danger of literally falling off the front of her head at any given moment...but there

i don't have grandkids but if i did i would be inclined to ask merely out of respect for my own kids,,,,,i think.  if i actually did get presented with a grandchild then that good intention might just get blown out the window

can't say right now

The highlighted bit made me laugh.

I remember once you posted a pic of Beanie with your dad, the closeness they shared was very obvious.

I hope you do have grandkids one day Gels, I have had/still have, more fun with mine than I ever thought possible.
I loved being a mum, but being a nan, when you can give them back, get to share all the fun and not as much as the angst that you have as a parent....it's just the best thing. x

I’ve never forced my children to hug or kiss someone. My daughter is generally extremely cuddly, but if she’s not in the mood I accept it
There are certain people she won’t hug at times and that’s okay.

She’s pretty outspoken too. If one of my particular friends wants to talk to her and tries to hug her my daughter says “You can talk to me without touching me”. My friend used to find it a bit upsetting until she realised that my daughter (and my son) are like cats....they’ll come to you when they’re ready.

Ben says we are all three like that, actually.

They are, all three of them are annoying little shits, actually.

eddie wrote:I’ve never forced my children to hug or kiss someone. My daughter is generally extremely cuddly, but if she’s not in the mood I accept it
There are certain people she won’t hug at times and that’s okay.

She’s pretty outspoken too. If one of my particular friends wants to talk to her and tries to hug her my daughter says “You can talk to me without touching me”.  My friend used to find it a bit upsetting until she realised that my daughter (and my son) are like cats....they’ll come to you when they’re ready.

Ben says we are all three like that, actually.

It's a good analogy, let kids behave like cats.
When they want a cuddle cuddle them, when they dont, leave them alone.

Syl wrote:

eddie wrote:I’ve never forced my children to hug or kiss someone. My daughter is generally extremely cuddly, but if she’s not in the mood I accept it
There are certain people she won’t hug at times and that’s okay.

She’s pretty outspoken too. If one of my particular friends wants to talk to her and tries to hug her my daughter says “You can talk to me without touching me”.  My friend used to find it a bit upsetting until she realised that my daughter (and my son) are like cats....they’ll come to you when they’re ready.

Ben says we are all three like that, actually.

It's a good analogy, let kids behave like cats.
When they want a cuddle cuddle them, when they dont, leave them alone.

Children go by their instincts. We need to encourage them to fine tune them. It will serve them well.

Syl wrote:

gelico wrote:


If you wrote a book, I would read it

I love how you express yourself

She has written a book Gels, she is very talented is our Horatio.

Shameless plug

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Open-Doorway-Madeleine-Marina-Mitchell/dp/1494966670

Horatio, my darling, you plug away!

Horatio also makes very beautiful glass thingys.

Oh and knitted tits. Kinda got me horny a bit.

eddie wrote:Horatio, my darling, you plug away!

Horatio also makes very beautiful glass thingys.

Oh and knitted tits. Kinda got me horny a bit.